Posted by tabitha on May 6, 2004, at 1:48:06
The desire to quit therapy keeps coming back. It's so maddening.. I don't feel competent to make the decision. Maybe it's really not good for me anymore. Maybe it never was, or it was but it isn't anymore. Or I'm on the verge of some big breakthrough that I'm afraid of. How can I know? So if I quit, I'm just afraid of losing my timeslot (yes really), or of just bottoming out in huge depression and being alone. I can't even imagine life without it. It's like my religion.. it has all my hopes for a good future tied up with it. It's my whole guidance system. It's my growth path. It's my most intimate relationship. It's my only important tie. It's my primary attachment. To sever it would be like murdering my own mother.
I can't tell anymore what's me and what's just me trying to believe what my therapist wants me to believe. It just feels like I can't go on, I keep thinking 'Therapy is destroying my soul.' I have that very clear thought. Is that my sane self talking, or my defenses trying to stay alive? It's just too much. I can't take having my perceptions and beliefs ripped away, and forcibly replaced, week after week. It's too violent. Maybe the new beliefs are better, but is it worth destroying myself to adopt them?
I can't take another night of crying and agonizing over it. I can't take another week with the two little bombs in it-- the group and the individual. I can't lose another week of my life to being upset over therapy.
But if I didn't have it, all I can see is a void. No attachment, no hope, no path, nothing.
Maybe I just need a med adjustment :-(
poster:tabitha
thread:343899
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040503/msgs/343899.html