Posted by 1980Monroe on April 25, 2004, at 1:08:12
Hey Everyone
I've had many previous posts about emotional problems and breakdowns about being withdrawn. Many people gave me exellent posts that i appreieate, especially racer (thanks). I have came to a concluesion where mainly my problem orignated.
Things are better now because im finding sources of the problem, before i didnt know what was wrong with me, thats why i started having emotional outbursts, breakdowns, crying on the floor for hours about how screwed up i was. I planned everything from barbiturate overdoses from Amytal to just running in frount of an 18 wheeler.
When i was a kid, my parents divorced, we had a nice house, my dad was a lawyer but had an incredible drinking and drug problems. My mom moved into my grandma's house which was in the oak lawn part of Dallas, (its basically a club raving area). If there's anymore corrupt places in Dallas, nothing compares with Oak Lawn. My Grandma's house was build in the late 30's which was way before the party scene. When my mom worked late, all i would do is turn off the lights, and go sit and watch throught a window all these exiting places with flashing lights, hear the sounds of a busy city, lots of bright big skyscrapers filled with action, and alot of people that looked like they were having fun. That was really exiting to me, just to watch them, imagining that i was a part of it. Also, watching buisness men, and others moving quick in a motivated direction to get someplace. I loved imagining that i was one of them, having a sense of purpose, i would sometimes totally think fantasies about being a big buisness man, going up to the top floors of the skyscrapers because i was important
As time went by, i realized that alot of the clubs were really gay clubs, dance clubs, and people expressing there sexuality everywhere. I cant belive my mom let me be exposed to that. But she had no where else to go.
We moved when i was about 13, into a normal neiborhood, and she got remarried 2 years later. I started school, again in a normal school, with no worry about drive by shootings and gang attacks. I didnt know how to relate to anyone, i got made fun of, bad memories. I felt comfortable keeping to myself and going into another fantasy, i had millions of them, buiness man, congress man, actually imaging i had a large important social life.
Buit i finally had a actual realization point in 11th grade, i had no friends, no intresting life, cant relate, and never had any group i could fit in. i just came home and just outburst crying adn lay on the floor, about how messed up, maladjuested, screwed up i was(when no one was home), i tried so many missions to try to despretly change my self, even did drugs hoping they might change my personality. All failed, i eventually was forced to just accepted my maladjuested personality, never accomplished my fantasy i wanted so bad, to just to have a social life. I now belive the main reason is im so locked in my own self from society, i cant relate, i cant catch on, this was mainly caused during childhood, to just look throught the window and only observe. I only thing i knew how was to observe, not associate. Lots of this was started from child hood, and contributed to my maladjuested personaity.
I need advice on how can this be treated? Ive heard and applied many times to just find common intrest, i dont have common intrest, i try to make my self intrested in other peoples intrest but i fail, fail fail fail! I think the problem is deeper and is connected with the isolation, ive read children in isolation dont adjuest to society well in articles, but at least i know whats wrong with me. hypnotherapy is a big option. My counselor-therpist i had wasnt the right type, was a pychoanysis therapist, not a cognitive behavioral, didnt really help in applying solution. Please, i ive got to get somehow get fixed and normalized into society to accomplish my dreams, i greatly apprieciate and need all your suggestions , i cant give up this time, try again to accomplish a metamorphisis.
poster:1980Monroe
thread:339751
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040419/msgs/339751.html