Posted by Racer on April 4, 2004, at 14:32:10
In reply to Re: Scared and worried: 1st session tomorrow w/ new T » Racer, posted by Pfinstegg on April 4, 2004, at 12:47:49
I don't have the option of 'shopping around' for a therapist right now. This agency told me I was stuck with the therapist they chose for me -- obviously, they rethought that one -- and if I try to change again, I'll probably get another of those lectures that goes something like this: "You just aren't cooperating. Don't you realize that you're the one who has to do the work? No one can do it for you. You can't keep complaining that this therapist or that therapist isn't a good fit -- you're never going to find a perfect match, and you'll never get better until you decide to do the work. Take what you get, it's better than nothing." NOT what I need to hear, since I'm already beating myself up for *my* failure with this other therapist. (I know, you read what I wrote and it sounds as if I'm saying that the therapist failed -- that's just to remind myself that it's NOT all me.)
So, that's part of the pressure: if this isn't a good fit, I'm stuck with it anyway. The other part of the pressure is that I've been too far down too long now, and I need some relief. I feel a lot of pressure to DO IT NOW, and I don't trust myself when I feel as if the fit isn't good. So, even with the last therapist, I spent a lot of time beating myself up for not 'responding appropriately' to her, and for not cooperating with her, despite feeling that it was a bad fit for me and making it all worse instead of better.
So, it's a tough situation to be in, especially since you're absolutely right: finding the right therapist is key, and interviewing a bunch of them is the key to finding that good fit. I did interview a lot when I was in therapy years ago, and it did result in the right fit for me. Unfortunately, we had a parting of the ways over meds. When I started anti-depressants, she said it was the wrong thing to do, yaddida yaddida, and didn't see what it really did for me: after almost a year of psychologically standing outside the door behind which all my goblins were hiding, key in hand, unable to put the key into the lock, the anti-depressants gave me the strength to unlock and open the door and address each one. But, with the therapist so set against meds, it got to be a real issue. "You're doing it wrong, by taking meds in order to do this..." NOT a good message to hear, especially since I still don't have the strength to say, "Yeah, well, but I'm DOING it -- and I couldn't do it at all before."
Thank you for everything you wrote. I know that it's frustrating to hear what sounds like, "Yeah, but..." In my current situation, though, the reality is that I'm really and truly without a lot of choice when it comes to care. I have no insurance, no money, etc, and I'm living in an area that just isn't very nice to the uninsured. The agency that's providing my care is geared towards people with much more severe problems than I have, so it's one of those really sucky situations where I'm not sick enough to get effective help, and I'm too sick not to get help. So, I'm pretty well stuck with whoever they provide for therapy, and have to put up with a certain amount of the "You need to start cooperating with us..." talk, even when I feel as if they're not paying attention to what I need.
And validation is another major issue right now. They keep telling me that I'm getting great care, when I can see and understand and recognize that I'm not even getting adequate care. So, while I can understand their need to hold their heads up, I'm still getting my perceptions invalidated, over and over again. Once again, NOT great for me in my current state.
But, thank you for caring enough to write. It really does make a difference.
poster:Racer
thread:332441
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040402/msgs/332520.html