Posted by Racer on April 4, 2004, at 9:25:54
Tomorrow morning I have my first session with the new therapist. I'd like to say that I'm upbeat and hopeful and all that, but the reality is that I'm worried beyond belief, and at that point where I say, "It's just going to be more of the same, why bother going through more of it?" Of course, I will go, and I will try, but I'm so frightened, and don't know how to deal with it. I'm thinking about what I want to say to her, and all I can come up with is, "I don't want to tell her anything, because it's just going to be used against me again..." Now, we all know that not saying anything in therapy is counterproductive, to say the least, but I can't get myself anyplace close to opening myself up to trust anyone right now.
To make matters worse, the now former therapist told me on Monday that this new one was going to take over. She said then that New T would call me to arrange an appointment. Thursday, at the group that feels so abusive to me, I said that I hadn't heard, and the uncertainty was bothering me. NFT said she'd remind the new one, who did call Friday. When she called on Friday, she made a big point of asking -- a couple of times -- "How are you?" Excuse me, but didn't you even look at my chart, where there were notes from the first therapist saying that trust was not easy for me? Like I'm going to answer that any way besides, "Oh, I'm just fine, thank you, and you?" It worries me that I felt as if she was trying to use a shortcut to a therapeutic relationship. Does that make sense? I mean, "how are you?" is pretty basic, right? It does not make me magically believe that this person cares about me and wants to help me. Used this way, in leui of a real relationship being built, it worries me even more.
For that matter, if the now former therapist hadn't spent so much time on her, "I really want to help you..." maybe I could have gotten past the rest of it. Don't tell me how much you want to help me, or how much you care about me -- SHOW ME! I've been told too many times by too many people how much they cared and wanted to help. I've gotten damned little help from any of them, but many of them did take advantage of me and hurt me. So, don't tell me all about your feelings, show me some sign that I can think about trusting you.
I'm scared, and I don't know what I'm going to do -- although showing up is a given, and if this one is any good, she may help structure the first session. I'm back into the "don't want anything, because that leads to disappointment" mode. It's showing on the outside, too. At that group the other day, the other facilitator brought it up, that I was more withdrawn. Largely, of course, that group is really awful for me, and I want anything except to be there, so that probably adds a lot to the withdrawal.
OK, any comments? Any wisdom? Anyone else here have major trust issues that come up when starting with a new therapist? (Not here, no way!)
Thanks!
poster:Racer
thread:332441
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040402/msgs/332441.html