Posted by DaisyM on February 26, 2004, at 23:43:08
I've had a really tough couple of weeks...months actually. I have been really learning how to use therapy and let myself need my Therapist. OK, maybe I've been learning to admit to myself how much I need my Therapist. He's been great, especially last week and the week before when I was having major melt downs. We've had a lot of sessions and a lot of phone contact and I really felt like I was in the middle of a full-on crisis. It was so overwhelming - not only the content of the crisis but enormity of my neediness. He didn't flinch, didn't disappoint and didn't desert me. He called back every time and sometimes just listened to me cry.
Monday I gave my Therapist some writings about all the memories that had pushed up and we talked about how it felt to have all of this surface, including another voice in me. It wasn't an easy session, but it wasn't any harder than the previous weeks. But after it, I felt quiet. Not completely calm but somehow like I had reached the eye of the storm and wanted to stay there for a while. This has continued for the rest of the week.
So today when I saw him, I told him I felt like I had nothing to say. That I didn't want to waste a session but I think my psyche was taking a break. But I was worried about the connection we had built -- would it lessen without the crisis? Would I only allow myself to need him if I was in crisis? Would he be interested, engaged, when I was "doing OK"? Because I didn't want to be unconsciously creating drama to make it OK for me to need him. But I also didn't want him to decide we were done, because I don't feel ready for that.
His response was to gently tell me we have "a ways to go" in therapy. That we really have just started to bring all this stuff out, and so I don't need to worry about him thinking I'm done. But he thought the question of drama and crisis was a good one. He reassured me that he was interested in everything going on, not just past stuff and not just "bad" stuff. That it was OK to take a break from some of the really hard stuff and in fact, it was essential. But that didn't mean I couldn't still need him, couldn't call him if I needed him, even if it wasn't a crisis. He wants the connection to stay strong and be OK all the time. He even went over his thoughts about termination, just to reassure me how it would come about, if we ever get there! He did warn me that it was likely to get hard again, that we would cycle through this. And that was OK. It wasn't back sliding, it was just the nature of therapy.
It was a really good conversation and a very calming session. I feel like I can carry him with me, even when I'm smiling, not just when I'm hurting. Like I'm allowed to smile and still need therapy.
I know this sounds weird but has anyone else ever felt this? This cycle of feeling really awful, really needy and then better again? And wondering if you can need your Therapist, even when you aren't in crisis? I'd like to hear about experiences. It helps me evaluate mine.
poster:DaisyM
thread:318100
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040225/msgs/318100.html