Posted by crushedout on February 19, 2004, at 18:35:37
In reply to Re: Seriously considering firing my T tomorrow » terrics, posted by fallsfall on February 19, 2004, at 18:21:51
I'm back. It was really hard and strange. I could barely look at her and I hugged my legs to me the entire time and kind of rocked. I must have seemed pretty crazy. But I just needed to do that to feel safe. I tried to tell her everything that was going on, that I didn't trust her, that I felt used, that I felt beat up, that the whole tone of our relationship had changed and I couldn't figure out why. I asked her if she was in therapy and she got defensive. She said, "I guess you think I need to be, huh?" and I said, "yeah." I said I just wanted to know if she had a place to deal with whatever feelings I evoked in her. She said she didn't want to go into specifics but that she kinda did. (This makes me uncomfortable -- she's willing to divulge so much to me, but not this? I'm suspicious about this.) But she said I didn't have to worry about taking care of her.Well, there was a lot of other stuff also, but I don't want to go into it all. I told her I consulted with another therapist today (I did) who told me I should end treatment with her right away. She wanted to know exactly what we talked about and the therapist's name. She was furious, I think. I wouldn't tell her, though. I didn't want to spend my therapy time on that -- that was her stuff, wanting to know that. I dunno. Anyway, she settled down and said she thought that was a terrible idea, that we were just getting to the heart of my therapy and for me to leave now would be really bad. She practically begged me not to leave. Of course that felt good in a way, but I still am not sure I can trust her. I told her this. I also told her I felt like she was invalidating me recently. And that I did feel confident that she could handle this, me.
She took it all in. I guess I feel pretty good. I think maybe our relationship will grow even stronger. I know it's pretty hairy, but I like it that way. It's exciting, complicated, weird, unusual. Dangerous. Real. All things I like. I also told her about the cutting and she said she wanted me to tell her when I'm angry at her rather than taking it out on myself. I feel like I can't really convey how great she is as a therapist cuz you guys tend to hear all the bad stuff (and that's my fault, since i tend to post about that stuff, and you get a skewed perspective). But there's a huge part of me that trusts her, knows her heart's in the right place, and respects her honesty and openness. She admits she makes mistakes all the time. I respect that, too.
Anyway, I feel better than I expected to.
Sorry for biting your head off, Dinah. I was really cranky. I hope you'll forgive me.
poster:crushedout
thread:315328
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040218/msgs/315835.html