Posted by Racer on February 15, 2004, at 18:04:53
In reply to Re: Next writing assignment » Racer, posted by DaisyM on February 15, 2004, at 17:05:24
> Racer,
>
> Are you the tree or the beaver? I'm guessing the tree. If so, who is the beaver?
>
> And why a cartoon tree?I don't quite know why it's a cartoon tree. It is, though, in my mind. (My mind is a strange and wondrous place, believe me. All the little factoids and trivialities all over the place, gathering dust. I'm sure there's some great stuff in there, I just have to find it.) For what it's worth, I do often say that I'm like a cartoon character. Probably from all those years dating Dopey...
My therapist and I talked about that. For one thing, she pointed out that a tree in that condition can't live, but once it falls it can be transformed into fine furniture. That maybe it's OK to fall, and experience a sort of rebirth. (I do hesitate to use that term, connotations of Born Again Christians come so strongly to mind.) We also talked about what the beaver is. It only occurred to me later that we'd been talking only about some part of me as the beaver. We never even mentioned the concept that the beaver represents Outside Forces Beyond My Control.
(You already figured out I was something of a Control Freak, didn't you? That's me, Apex Predatrix of my own little domain...)
There's a poem by Edna St Vincent Millay, called Scrub.
If I grow bitterly,
Like a gnarled and stunted tree,
Bearing harshly of my youth
Puckered fruit that sears the mouth;
If I make of my drawn boughs
An Inhospitable House,
Out of which I nevery pry
Towards the water and the sky,
Under which I stand and hide
And hear the day go by outside;
It is that a wind to strong
Bent my back when I was young,
It is that I fear the rain
Lest it blister me again.That sort of sums it all up for me. I do feel as if I've grown withered and gnarled by the elements in my environment. Sometimes I'm terrified that it will totally define my life. That in that last moment, I'll realize that nothing I've done ever mattered a bit towards healing me. Or that I should not have been saved from the suicide attempts because my life was so unhappy and unmeaningful after the depression started. Sometimes I'm afraid that the wounds will never heal, that I'll still hurt just as much in the end over the betrayals.
Then I just slap myself in the face, say, "Oh, c'mon, who do you think you are? Theda Bara? Get on with it!"
Extra points for anyone who recognizes the reference...
I'm hoping the answer is somewhere between those two extremes, by the way. I want to be able to recognize and commend the efforts I make to find peace, while still being able to function at something like a optimal level.
poster:Racer
thread:313339
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040211/msgs/313748.html