Posted by Penny on November 24, 2003, at 13:27:45
In reply to Re: What was your childhood like? Penny, posted by TexasChic on November 24, 2003, at 12:42:22
It's funny - I had a 'crush' on this guy beginning in 8th grade all the way through high school, but he never reciprocated. I liked other guys too, but he was the one I was soooo 'in love' with. And I always dreamed about being with him, or with someone else. I had 'crushes' on other guys in college, but none were ever reciprocal, though I had male friends.
Then earlier this year, I went out with this guy a few times. It was nice, at first, but then he tried to kiss me, and I froze. I couldn't respond. I was petrified. And nauseated. The worst part was that I had been waiting for him to kiss me. I would tell my therapist that I just really want him to kiss me. Then he tried, and I was repulsed. Not necessarily by him, but by the act of kissing!
So, my former roommate is a lesbian, and she kept saying, "Well, maybe you're a lesbian - you don't know unless you try..." and my whole thing was - no, I can't go there either. That actually is less appealing to me.
But the thought of being with a man is appealing, just not the actuality. I thought maybe it was the guys I went out with (only a couple of them) - but this last guy was normal. He was average build, kinda' cute, polite, etc. We had a good time together. But I just couldn't respond, even though part of me wanted to.
When I was in the hospital, a guy in my group said that I should be with someone who could help me work through this. And my question was - where is he???
At the very least, my pdoc has showed me that all men are not alike, i.e., not like my dad. He's like the antithesis of my dad - he's caring, compassionate, goes out of his way to be there for me (and his other patients), is a good listener, etc. And he acts like he really *likes* me as a person, which I never got from my dad. My dad loves me, in his way, but I don't know that he likes me much. And I don't know that I like him much either.
My former T and I tried working on some of my intimacy issues, but we never got far, b/c every time we would broach the subject, I would crash mood-wise. My current T and I have gone a little farther with my intimacy issues, and I am more comfortable discussing sexual things with her. She recommended that I look at some children's books on growing up, b/c, as I had pointed out to her, I'm an adult in many ways, but not really in that way. When it comes to intimacy and sexuality, I feel like a little girl.
My grandfather committed suicide 2 years ago, just after my cousin accused him of molesting my 4-year-old (at the time) cousin (her daughter). In his suicide note he all but admitted to what he did. Now my cousin thinks maybe he did the same thing to her. I don't remember him ever doing anything to me, but I spent every summer at my grandparents' house growing up, so I can't say for sure. I don't really think anything happened to me, but it would explain so much...
Yeah - four years in therapy, and I still have a LOOONNNNGGG way to go. Oh well. I had a friend say, "If I want to spend the rest of my life getting to know myself better (in therapy), then so be it!" I agree.
P
poster:Penny
thread:283075
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20031123/msgs/283241.html