Posted by Tabitha on March 19, 2003, at 3:46:49
My therapist's advice is really rubbing me the wrong way lately. I'm just not wanting it. I told her this weekend I was a little sad and empty and couldn't sort out the cause. One of the factors is a med reduction. She told me she thinks that's the cause of my feelings. I don't think she can know that and I resent having to fight off her opinion. Just her telling me that made my mood sink further. I started thinking I'm heading for the black pit of relapse, which is of course my fear, and for 30 minutes or so it felt very true. Then I got home, showered, got some good news, and the black pit evaporated.
I told her even if it's med related, it could be effect of discontinuing, not necessarily relapse. We also spent some time arguing about lexapro (had this discussion before), she's had some patients get great improvement from it, I pointed out I'm already on celexa, which I'm reducing due to insomnia and anxiety, and I don't see any reason to think lex is superior in this respect. Her other patients switched from other non-celexa meds to lexapro, it's not a fair comparison. It's like she's just thinking I ought to be on the new miracle drug, but we all know that's crap, there is no miracle drug, and even a miracle for some doesn't mean for me.
She also cut the session a bit short. At the start, she wanted to change next week's appt so she can go to a seminar. I agreed to come the day after my normal day, but she wanted me to come 1/2 hour earlier than my normal time. I had said I'd come 10 min earlier. Well, at end of session, she wanted me to come 15 min earlier instead of 10 min.
It just feels like our relationship is falling apart. Her cancelling and moving sessions is really the worst. She has been very reliable in that respect, now I don't know what to expect anymore. I did discuss it with her last time she cancelled my appt completely. She listens but nothing changes.
It's like I've decided to do 2 things on my own lately, things she did not advise -- planning the sabbatical from work, and getting off the SSRIs (which believe me I know is risky, and I'm terrified yet determined to find a way), and it seems like she's not supportive. She's given me so much bad advice I've tried to take, now I try to make my own decisions, and I want support, not more doubts. It's been so hard for me to decide to do these things and she's ready to declare failure. I think expecting relapse will drive me back on the meds, and it seems she's doing that for me.
If I don't trust her advice and judgement anymore and don't feel supported what's left?
I honestly don't know if I'm making good decisions, but somebody has to make decisions for me, and I don't see her or my pdoc making good decisions, so I'm doing it myself. I'm sick of assuming their decisions are better. My life is not getting better based on their advice! I'd rather make my own possibly bad decisions than keep taking theirs that I know are bad.
At the end I started talking about my hopes for my sabbatical and she was just trying to end the session early.
My fear is she's only 'supportive' when I'm needing her to run my life, interpret everything and tell me what to do. And when I'm following her belief system about therapy. That could be my projection, but things keep adding up to make it look that way. So if I grow up and live my own life (finally!) I lose my main support.
poster:Tabitha
thread:210618
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20030310/msgs/210618.html