Posted by Dena on August 20, 2003, at 20:09:26
In reply to Oh, dear ... Dena. I'm so sorry. » Dena, posted by Temmie on August 20, 2003, at 18:36:25
Oh, Temmie -
What a real, honest, funny & sincere response to my pain & grief! I almost expect flower petals from your hair to be falling into my lap - as though you just gave me a big hug.
You asked if carrying Samuel's body is somehow comforting to me. Strangely, yes & no at the same time. Part of me wants to remain pregnant, & perhaps my "hanging on" emotionally is preventing my body from letting him go. I entertained fantasies prior to the last sonogram (the first sonogram showed that there was no heartbeat) that miraculously, the doctor would find a heartbeat & declare that he was still alive - or they would discover that I'd been pregnant with twins & I'd only lost one.
Last night I dreamt about someone being raised from the dead. This morning I read an account of St. Maximus who raised a child from the dead after he'd drowned. I know that God is fully able to do such a thing (though I realize the rarity of it). A tiny part of my mind began wondering whether I should be praying that God would restore my baby to life - could that be why his body was still inside of me, even though everything else had passed? But I believe my baby is with God, & so he wouldn't want to return - he'd be very happy where he is. Ah, the grief-infused mental meanderings of a mourning mother...
I've been racking my brain for reasons why this happened... could it be the litter box I changrd before I knew I was pregnant? Or the nasty infection I got from a tick bite? Or all that spray varnish I used almost daily (without a mask)for several months? Or my husband's Graves' disease & the radioactive treatments he received? Or am I just too old to have another baby?
It just doesn't seem real. I'm the one who has easy pregnancies, no morning sickness, no complications, easy deliveries (relatively speaking that is), healthy big babies, long periods of nursing. I've always eaten well, stayed in shape, taken my prenatal vitamins, attended every one of those prenatal exams. This wasn't supposed to happen (ok, I'm obviously in the denial stage of grief)!
Yes, I loved that part of pregnancy when I could feel my babies squirming inside (not to mention squashing my bladder & bruising my ribs!). I loved that secret communication between me & my baby! Toward the end, when it wasn't such a secret anymore, we'd turn off the TV & I'd lift up my shirt to expose my huge belly (I weigh 100 lbs, but my babies were around 9 lbs - I looked like a watermelon with four toothpicks sticking out of it!), & we'd play "Name that appendage!" "That's a leg - no, a hand! No, it's a bottom!" And after delivery, yes, I loved holding a sweet-smelling, soft-as-silk baby, but I missed feeling full of another life. That proud, round, productive belly had turned into a sad, sagging, deflated baloon.
My Samuel was only 7.5 weeks into gestation, just about an inch long, with arms, legs, head & eyes well defined. I could see him on the sonogram. But so still - no pulsing heart!
You wrote: "I feel ... funny ... mixing silly talk about my appearance with such serious discussion here. Forgive me."
It's ok. I've been mixing the silly with the devastating since this happened. One moment, I'm feeling dead inside, & the next I'm singing "Deep & Wide" with my 18 month old, & laughing at her interpretive dance! One moment wondering when my baby's body will pass, & the next talking to my 5 year old son about what color hair Samuel must have.
Life does go on. I will heal. This will make me stronger. God is still worthy of my trust. The need to understand will lessen. And ultimately, one day, I will understand.
Thanks for being "there".
Shalom, Dena
poster:Dena
thread:252497
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/faith/20030530/msgs/252618.html