Posted by ElaineM on November 21, 2006, at 13:34:49
I guess everyone now knows that I have a short history of anorexia. Ever since the first time I recovered I get very anxious when my weight starts dropping. The first time I went down, each lost pound felt like a gold medal - brought so much strength and comfort to me. But ever since that first round of recovery I get only fear. I guess cause I know that forcing weight-loss is traumatic to most bodies. And cause I'm still dealing with the permanent damage I inflicted those years. And cause I know it's silly to work so much at losing weight - I mean, when it comes down to it, it is. I guess I fear relapses.
But I've been ill the past year, and now an additional problem has been added on top (resulting in my first trips back to ERs for myself, since I was terribly emaciated). But also, my first times back in hospitals since nursing two relatives last year as they died, and visiting another one as it happened to her this past spring.
I guess I just wanted to know if anyone else gets frightened when they lose weight again. Maybe it's cause I've never been obviously ill while my weight was going down before (ED side effects aside). Maybe since the weight loss is out of my control right now, I see it as a sign of sickness, even more than when it was "only" a sign of mental illness. I don't know. All I know is that I've lost a fair amount of weight in the past month or so and am terrified by that. But I'm afraid to mention it to docs cause I don't want them to think it's just a relapse of sorts (though, don't worry, I'm still "too heavy" to be considered anorexic). I'm afraid that, once again, my psychiatric history will negate something else I'm going through in the present. I think I want to be healthy so badly that any additional signs that I'm not, are becoming too much to tolerate.
The only thing that's come of this, is that I guess this is proof against my T's idea that losing weight could improve my health. I didn't even get to give that plan a shot before all this happened first. At least I know now that being at a higher weight likely did nothing to exacerabate this other illness that came to me a year ago. Did it cause it? I don't think I can ever know for sure, but now, I really doubt it.
I'm really scared :( Am I crazy, or does anyone else get freaked out when your weight drops?
blove EL :(
poster:ElaineM
thread:705834
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/eating/20060628/msgs/705834.html