Posted by Dr. Bob on December 27, 2013, at 13:39:09
In reply to Re: a crucible, posted by alexandra_k on December 26, 2013, at 3:53:48
> OK - fair enough. Please tell us what has changed in your thinking since "back then".
>
> RonnjeeIt's still evolving, but maybe one way to look at it is: Back then: shield posters (and give them a refuge for a day). Now: support them in shielding themselves and each other (and give them a refuge for a lifetime).
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> somewhat as I understand it I can think about me but not what someone else says?
>
> PhillipaI can't, and wouldn't want to, control what you think. The idea is it can be more civil to post about yourself than about someone else.
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> > If you say you think someone's stupid, they might feel put down, so I'd consider that uncivil. But if you say you think you back down easily, that's about you, not anybody else. And saying you feel angry, or whatever, is about you, too.
>
> things can get tricky, though.
>
> i guess because boundaries are porous. our feelings and beliefs and perceptions are an interface between ourself and things that lie outside ourself including other people. we have feelings about them and beliefs about them and we perceive them to be certain ways. it can be really hard to disentangle the mess of where one person starts or stops and another begins. i mean they are my feelings and beliefs and perceptions and in a sense they say more about me than they say about you. but of course my feelings and beliefs and perceptions about / of you are about / of you = they represent you.
>
> and your particular views on this ... isn't consensus at all. or isn't the standard line. or anything like that. and why is it okay to be uncivil to yourself anyway? i don't get that.
>
> ?
>
> i guess things seem to be different now. but i don't really know. i don't know. maybe it is better for me not to think overly much on this.> *IMportant caveat... I do think I could have been nurtured more. And that would have resulted in increased productivity from me. But lets compare that situation with me vs that situation with my supervisor. What he produced with the time he had (with fairly minimal supervising of me) vs what I would have achieved with more input...
>
> Things get hard...
>
> And I... Don't begrudge. Because I've learned a f*ck*ng lot, actually. ANd: If I wrote it up: He would read it. And... Wow. He would. And eventually approve / sign off on it. So... What am I bitching about?????
>
> But still... I wish I understood better why you blocked me. Because it still hurts. And I don't.
>
> alexandra_kBeing uncivil to others makes the community less supportive, but being uncivil to oneself doesn't.
Maybe my view on civility isn't a consensus, but I do try to explain it, and to be consistent (and at the same time open to change).
It can be hard to disentangle the other side, too. My feelings and beliefs and perceptions may say more about me than you, but they may say something about you, too, and may affect how I treat you, which may affect you.
Maybe I could've been more nurturing and not blocked you. I don't remember the details. Was my tolerance too low? I'm sorry I hurt you. I'm in this crucible, too.
Bob
a brilliant and reticent Web mastermind -- The New York Times
backpedals well -- PartlyCloudy
poster:Dr. Bob
thread:1055631
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/admin/20131217/msgs/1057038.html