Posted by B2chica on March 19, 2016, at 16:06:06
In reply to Re: Tricyclics and bipolar depression » B2chica, posted by J Kelly on March 19, 2016, at 15:54:09
thank you for your caring.
i am absolutely sick and tired of hospital. i just cant do that again.the thing is Jade, i have suicidal thoughts and believe me many of them are tempting. but the truth also is that my pull and desire to remain here for my small children is too strong.
honestly i was just going to post about this, how somehow this makes things worse. because before kids i felt like i had this 'release valve' of the Option of suicide.
now that i am actively choosing not to has taken away that 'release valve' and seems to make this pain even more unbearable.i am utterly exhausted from 'feeling'. i feel such a terribl disappointment of who i am these days.. but i know i need to do everything to stay alive. at least that is how i feel for now. i dont know what the future holds for me.
it did not help that i just recently lost a cousin to suicide, about a month ago.. he was in his 50's. so a lot of the responses were 'he held on for a long time', he's at peace now'...
how does that relate to me? cant i be at peace, arent i holding on? and the never ending possibility that it could just as easily have been me... alas it was not.
i am here.
in pain, but here.
"What is madness, but nobility of soul at odds with circumstance.
The day is on Fire, and i know the purity of pure despair."
Theodore Roethke
poster:B2chica
thread:1087318
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20160306/msgs/1087328.html