Posted by b2chica on January 21, 2015, at 12:39:10
In reply to Re: olfactory hallucinations?, posted by ed_uk2010 on January 21, 2015, at 7:14:04
hi ed
i feel depressed but not how i was this weekend (low mobility...etc.)
part of me wants to just stare at the wall but the other half wants to run to the nearest bridge...etc.
voices not yet, but i do have this... dystonic thoughts coming back -dont seem to be from me-my current pdoc is really a newbie with me. she has never had to deal with this before as my last pdoc had meds so great. anyway, she doesnt understand (or atleast believe, when i tell her things about my meds).
yes meds have changed in that she wanted to strip me of all meds except the pristiq. well guess what that has done. i have had one hospital trip and if i trusted the docs a little better or had hope that they would help i would go again... all they can do is attempt to keep me safe. although im unfortuntely pretty smart and i've several times snuck in a knive and cords... (again, that pushing the limit thing... "just to see").
So i'd rather just o.d. and end up in a coma than put my family in any more debt... and yes i get the irony and oxymoron statement i just made about coma and debt. but i'm not clicking on all cylinder's and just want to lay down and curl up.yes, this is a pattern when my depression gradiates downward.
i only have a little coffee/tea in the a.m maybe 6-8 ounces. it mostly gives me heartburn these days so even pop is minimal if any. mostly hot organic-herbal tea/water/gatorade type drinks.
interesting about the benzo's. i stopped after my hospital visit on jan 5th. yesterday i was smelling things that were just very unpleasant, some i didnt know just adverse response to it. one was like a 'dirty' cigarette smell. i kept thinking that maybe i had it on me from a friend i saw last weekend... but not sure how. the other was (gross) the smell of feces... i was suire it was cpoming from me somehow, but when i'd smell myself closely (smell clothes and hair) it was not coming from me. my clothes and hair smelled fine. (like lavendar even).
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with all that said. i have a sleep problem (which is what started all this down hill to begin with.
lets see, last night i layed down at 3:23 and woke at 6:30 am. this is pretty tyipcaly 3-3:30 and with work i wake between 6 and 7 depending.
so i am sure this is all related somehow to sleep deprevation.
i sometimes think that this is going to kill me. that i will die from not enough sleep.
the reason i am starting to loose faith is that i've been Actively asking for help for MONTHS.. and i am no better off.
whats thepoint of me trying anymore if no one is taking this seriously and helping me.i stopped by my pdoc last night right before they closed and wwrote a note for either the nurse or pdoc ASAP and told them EXACTLY how i felt and how i NEED pharma intervention (something!!).
i receievd a message stating that someone would check into this and call me asap today.
...it is 12:30 and have not heard from anyone.anyway, i'm tired again.
i'm going to go find a cubby here at work somewhere and hide for a bit.
"What is madness, but nobility of soul at odds with circumstance.
The day is on Fire, and i know the purity of pure despair."
Theodore Roethke
poster:b2chica
thread:1075317
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20150102/msgs/1075341.html