Posted by schleprock on December 27, 2012, at 12:58:26
In reply to Re: feel finished » g_g_g_unit, posted by SLS on December 26, 2012, at 11:33:05
> > I had no idea that things could reach this point.
>
> Yes, they absolutely can.
>
> > I've found myself in the pits of depression, agony, despair and so on but always felt some sense of hope or reason to continue.
>
> You have a number of choices. All but one of them require that you remain alive.
>
> I won't go fishing for a treatment option for you at this time. You know that I would probably come up with something. If not me, someone else will. I'm sure it won't be easy, but you cannot be certain that you will never find a treatment that will work. You don't know for certain that you are doomed to live out your life in the altered state of depression. Fortunately, new and novel drugs are still being developed to treat it.
>
> Just over a year ago, I had reached the same point of despair and demoralization as you seem to have. I had reached the end of the line. There were no more treatments that I could come up with. Viibryd had been my last chance to get well. I experienced a major existential crisis for which I saw no escape. However, as my doctor had so accurately concluded, much of the origin of this intense episode was the result of discontinuing Viibryd too abruptly and experiencing a withdrawal depressive reaction with anxiety and suicidality. I insisted that he was wrong, however. It felt like my thoughts were the cause of my feelings of doom, and not some drug reaction. The content of my thoughts were certainly real enough and based upon my taking stock of my life and the prospect of being doomed to forever live a subhuman existence. The circumstances of my plight were real. As I learned afterwards, it was indeed Viibryd withdrawal depression that amplified my reaction to those very real life circumstances. As my doctor suspected, the suicidal state resolved despite nothing being different in my those circumstances. Still, I remained pessimistic. I don't know what I would have done had prazosin not produced a significant improvement in my condition a month later. It is possible that I would have come closer to suicide, even though the withdrawal depressive state had disappeared on its own.
>
> > Everything feels utterly pointless.
>
> I can totally understand this.
>
> > I feel lost, like my dreams are gone,
>
> My dreams died many years ago. I had quite a few.
>
> > there is nothing to direct myself towards anymore, no vision of a future .. nearly all of my 20s have been consumed by this horrible illness.
>
> It is a terrible loss. An important decade of your life is being stolen from you through no fault of your own. Many people try to help, but the illness is just too powerful and unrelenting. I am having a difficult time accepting the theft of my teens, 20s, 30s, 40s, and now my 50s.
>
> You are 27.
> 27 is old.
> 27 is young.
>
> When I reached age 32, I felt old. I felt that life had passed me by. I had missed everything. Older people insisted that I was still very young and had the better part of my life ahead of me. I didn't believe them. I sure didn't feel young. I was just too young to know any better.
>
> Take my word for it. You are still very young.
>
> > I don't know what to do anymore.
>
> I know what it is like to reach a wall at which there are no remaining treatment alternatives to break through it. You have exhausted all of them. There is no hope. I usually find hope in uncertainty. A year ago, I reached a point at which I became certain that I was to die ill. My greatest fear was to be realized: I was to die without ever having lived. At age 52, I had reached a seminal moment in my life.
>
> > I know there is only so much professionals can do, but the problem is I don't care about myself enough anymore to want to work with them.
>
> Do you feel as though you are always at odds with your doctors? If so, why?
>
> > My OCD has reached such a terrifying apex that I couldn't even begin to describe how much bizarre phobic avoidance etc. I go through.
>
> I do not have OCD. However, for many years while I was at my baseline severity of depression, I would hide whenever someone would walk or drive by the house. I didn't want to be seen through the window. I am not sure why. Avoidance was just part of the illness. What was particularly frustrating and confusing to me was that I really do love people. For some reason, I was just afraid of being around them. I found that when I reach remission or have a brief robust response to treatment, I become quite gregarious and don't mind being surrounded by a sea of people. I can tell that people genuinely like being around me. I am engaged. Depression disengages me. People are uncomfortable around me because I am mute and not very accessible. They can sense my discomfort to be in a social gathering. I have nothing to talk about. I just want to go home and be left alone.
>
> > Trying to piece together some semblance of a life at this point seems impossible. I don't want to live a compromised life, always battling this illness. I *know* that I could have been capable of so much more, and that thought -- what could have been -- eats me up.
>
> I have been devoured, regurgitated, and devoured again. This illness has pummeled me into submission. I reached this state about 10 years ago. I could no longer maintain my positive energy and enthusiasm. Much of me is now gone. I don't feel me inside me anymore. I don't think these parts of me will ever reappear. I can't think about these things anymore. They will never again exist. My best years have been forever stolen from me. My only desire now is to be able to actualize my remaining moments in life with peak experiences, despite my lack of achievement. This can only happen for me if I emerge from depression.
>
> > I guess this is kind of attention-seeking,
>
> No. It is a kind of help-seeking.
>
> > but I don't know what to do to help myself.
>
> Exactly.
>
> > I feel like I'm trying to destroy myself
>
> No. The illness is destroying your morale. Without morale, you are easy prey for the depression to cause you to:
>
> > .. I binge on junk food, I've stopped exercising and grooming, I sleep as much as I can, I've started abusing certain prescriptions just so I can socialize occasionally (which is something I never would have done in the past). My therapist gave me suggestions, but I don't even bother enlisting them. I feel like I've just been going round in circles in treatment for the past 6 years, and sitting in a park or listening to calming music isn't going to give me a life back.
>
> It is okay to allow yourself to feel defeated. Although entirely justified, it is still only a feeling. It does not mean that you are truly defeated. It just feels that way for the moment. The feelings will eventually subside. If you have indeed been defeated in your latest battle, there is still the war to be fought. If you win the war, life will become nirvana for you. It is worth fighting for. Your exhaustion will be replaced by enthusiasm.
>
> "The measure of achievement lies not in how high the mountain,
> but in how hard the climb.
>
> The measure of success lies only in how high one feels he must
> climb to get there."
>
> These are my words. They were meant for me. I wrote them at least 15 years ago as I struggled with my lack of success as it is usually defined. I need to be reminded of them every now and then. It is a hell of an achievement that you are still alive. However, you have achieved so much more than just survive. I'll let you make a list.
>
> This has been a rather rambling message. I hope some part of it makes sense.
>
>
>
> - ScottSLS, Could you please provide details on your experience with Prazosin? specifically it's effect on your depression and its suspected mechanism of action. I looked it up and noticed it was an alpha blocker. I was previously on beta blockers (atenolol and propranolol) and am thinking of going back to one (if I fail to have any progress with Buspar.) What are the advantages in choosing an alpha blocker over a beta-blocker?
poster:schleprock
thread:1033817
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20121217/msgs/1033979.html