Posted by rjlockhart04-08 on July 30, 2012, at 0:44:52
well....im here and im really starting to think that its no use even talking about this because my body and mind is reisant to therapy. I'll go to similars or selfimprovement programs or rehab and will fake that im getting better so they won't make me do their annoying alternative or some kinda of intellectiuzation of how someone is suppost to feel. Ugh, i hate sitting through a class. I do things my way, but still its hard through all this nasty thinking I have embeded in my belief system.
Like the past 2 days saturday and sunday I went to these psych. similars and like a nonsense idiot I told them about Lucifer that will come at night, and then they got really reactive and would not listen to anything else I said because they think im tormented by the devil, the whole thing was a messup because I mentioned that one subject and they forced me to write scipture against Satan. A christain based program....but you know i pretty much tell everything here...and don't lie like I used to...this lucifer whatever thing that I hear will come at usally night, and truely if you think about it....the devil is proably getting ready for the coming antichrist not talking to some person that despreatly prays to God to be saved. Still this all could be ridcoulsness but like I said I wanted to be a medium sometimes maybe I got what I asked for and didnt know what I was getting into. And not have Madness at Midnight if I got a career and was happy.
But further more It just feels like have chains of sadness...all this weight of dispair of how I hate my life...i was given a chance about 7 years ago to get into college and becoming a succesful lawyer and more in paticualr a stock trader, and of course an actor. I took the oppurtunity and choose to screw it up, not purposly but I stayed in quiet places feeling safe and then I realize how bad...toxic...depressing it became. Now listen, no pity parties here....and no flattery either...im not writing bulls h i t this is just how things are for me right now. It's actaully just a waste of time to do this but I post my life here.
All this nasty thinking that was developed during these thoughtless times I've wasted my life, it really is painful. Get out of this inhibited state and get disinhibited and get things done.
It seems strange that my life should end in such a terrible place, but for three years I had roses, and apologized to no one. ― Alan Moore, V for Vendetta
thank you for reading friend...
rj
am not a scholar but I do understand distress.
Medications:
Prozac 60mg
Zyprexa 20mg
Lamictal 100mg
Clonodine .1mg X 3
Nuvigil 250mg
I encourage you avoid false lights of enlightment.
M
poster:rjlockhart04-08
thread:1022404
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20120718/msgs/1022404.html