Posted by TylerJ on March 24, 2006, at 8:09:56
In reply to Depends..., posted by Racer on March 23, 2006, at 0:16:53
> Sometimes I would tell you that I hate myself. But, really, it's not so much that I hate myself, as that I am swimming in shame and guilt and fear. That's one nasty concoction, too.
>
> But when the meds are working, adequately, and I'm in remission from my depression, I don't hate myself, and wouldn't even say I dislike myself. I can't always say I *like* myself all that much -- YET -- but that's what therapy is for. The meds, though, really do take away the worst of the self-recriminations that feel like self-loathing.
>
> So, I guess it depends on what you mean by the meds fixing self-hatred. For me, all the shame, guilt, anxiety, etc, that go with depression are what feels like self-hatred, so medications that fix the depression also fix the negative self-judgement.
>
> The funny thing, though, is that often, even in the worst of my depression, I can still say things about myself like, "I am an excellent teacher," and mean it. It's true, and it isn't something that goes away. ALthough it does remind me of Scarlett O'Hara, sometimes, and I do get a bit defensive about it, but I can still tell you that it's true. (To be fair, though, I tend to frame it more as, "I am an excellent teacher -- not that it gets me anything...")
>
> Hope that helps...
Yea, I totally feel the same as Racer. When my meds are working well...I think I'm a good person, husband, father, etc. I really like me, therefore it's easier to like and love others. When I'm down, meds aren't helping, life sucks etc. I become somewhat a different person, not as nice, not outgoing, not confident...when I feel this way, I've learned to Hate my illness...not myself. I've learned over the years that i'm not "bad" during these times, but the illness is, and therefore I hate the illness but still love myself. Also, like right now when i'm doing very well, hearing other people here that are suffering really upsets me...I want us all to feel good. I just wish I could destroy this f*cking illness!Tyler
poster:TylerJ
thread:622777
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20060322/msgs/624094.html