Posted by platinumbride on April 25, 2005, at 11:45:11
In reply to Re: Keppra » SLS, posted by theo on April 24, 2005, at 9:37:59
Theo,
FWIW, I read your posts and wanted to give you a hug and say that you are a pretty brave person to have stayed the sourse and remained sober for 2 years. Seems to me that you know a lot about loss but, perhaps, have yet to see the fruits of your labor vis a vis your sobriety. I hope that you will see them very, very soon. What you are doing is extraordinary. Most people would never have bothered.
I don't know what more to say, Theo, except that I admire you.
Diane> > Hi Theo.
> >
> > So, you must feel really lost at this point. Regaining orientation and direction might take a little while as you begin to sort out what are the true symptomatic features of your illness.
> >
> > Without trying to diagnose yourself or thinking about previous treatments, can you give a summary of what you experience? What are your major complaints? At what age did they appear? Is there any history of mental illness in the family? What does your illness prevent you from doing, and how?
> >
> >
> > - Scott
> >
> >
> >
>
> Scott,
>
> I little long so hang in there.
>
> Let me start off be saying I have been sober for 2 years now but drank for the past 20 so as far as emotional growth, I'm 2 years old! Actually really 40. During my drinking career, I was pretty successful, owned my own business and was the single guy everyone liked to have at there parties. As a child, I was a small skinny kid and was always teased and always felt scared about everything.
>
> I have a hard time communicating my thoughts, expressing emotion. I've been going to AA meetings for 2 years and have only shared a couple of times. I want to talk but am scared if I open my mouth, I'll say something stupid and beat myself up about it for days. What's funny is I'm in sales and talk to people all day. The kicker is I'm terrified to get in front of large groups and present something. I also have a hard time going with my instincts and end up letting others (family, girlfriends) influence my decisions, which I later then regret and ruminate about my mistakes. Definitely a people pleaser. I feel like my brain's on hold. I have a hard time making decisions, so much that I'll overthink a situation until I'm exhausted. An example is looking for a job. I'm capable, but think if I start a job it has to be "the" job, instead of going with something and if it doesn't work, simply moving on. I have a hard time in relationships this way. I know in my gut when one isn't right but stay in because I'm scared if I end it I'll end up obsessing that maybe I gave up a good thing. Everytime a make a decision I doubt it. I can find something wrong with every decision I make. If I buy something like a car and get a great deal, I still get buyers remorse. I have this "fear" or low feeling of self worth running like an endless loop tape.
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> To sum up:
>
> Hard time communicating thoughts, they're in my head but have a hard time putting into words.
> Low feelings, emotion
> Unorganized, which leads to anxiety because I'm a clean freak.
> Lack of direction, purpose.
> Negative perception of events, thinking in the negative.
> Always worry
> Afraid of starting new career only because I'll think through it negatively, obsess about it and think it's hopeless and if I did land one I would lose it because I feel so beat down, won't perform and get fired.
> Loss of interest in all areas of life.
> Some focus and motivation, drive issues.
> Hard time jumping in and taking action.
> Hard time making decisions.
> Hard time making commitments.
>
> I do have some history of alcoholism in my family. I don't know much because my parents divorced when I was 14 and my father has never been a big communicator, and this is the side that mental illness, alcoholism would come from. My grandfather was very successful, died at 51(cerebral hemorrhage) one year after my grandmother(cancer). My father inherited everything, drank and blew threw it. My dad hasn't had a drink in years but never changed his behaviors, so is still the same person. I will say may dad has some grandiose behavior.
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> I do have a major resentment with my father because I was financially sound, he persuaded me to help him, I did and he never kept his end of the bargain, at least so far. I'm now trying to get my life back together and he seems to have conveniently forgotten how I bailed him out financially, I'm talking high six figures. I think about this day in, day out and this situation is definitely a driving force in my emotions. Maybe it's the loss of control in the situation because he has always been the type to take things and just think he deserves it from his son and that's that.
>
> When I was on meds, I always wondered how life would be without. Now I know and need to adapt. If people only knew they would be shocked. My first reaction to people is a big smile and hello, if they only knew what was going on inside of me! Many people that know me have a hard time understanding because to them, I seem fine.
>
> What's confusing for me is if I start something (meds) I know I need to stick with it and not obsess about it and diagnosis every second of my life. Another point to add to my confusion, my Internist that I've known for 20 years has never mentioned BPII. My pdoc who has known me for 1 year diagnosed me as Anxiety NOS 300.00, and thinks I'm possibly BPII in that my anxiety, fear is my mania. Dr. Amen suggests alcoholics need to take something for OCD(SSRI or anticonvulsant?) and a stimulant. As I mentioned in my last post, my anxiety has dropped quite a bit by not being on meds. When my pdoc diagnosed me (on Zoloft) I was complaining more about anxiety which now I think was from side effects more than true anxiety. Now it seems weighed more on the depressive side than anxiety. What's frustrating is that I originally told her I wanted to stop meds and start from scratch to get a better diagnosis a year ago, but let her over rule my thoughts. So basically I've wasted yet another year.
>
> I use to feel like I had some purpose and direction, but even then felt like something was missing. I know I don't want to go through life as one of those people who is never satisified. Restless, irritable, discontent.
>
> Any thoughts or input would be appreciated. Also on med selection. I will of course consult with my docs, but the more I can tell them will influence there decision on which direction to go as far as SSRI, anticonvulsants, TCA, etc. I am healthy, blood pressure 120/78, cholesteral 164 so there's no limits on what I can try. Although I've tried many SSRI's in the past when I was drinking, I'm only 2 years sober so I can't evaluate much from the past when I was taking them. SSRI's do cause some initial anxiety(OCD) but not mania. The only SSRI's I didn't care much for were Zoloft and Lexapro because they seemed to cause anxiety and avoidance behavior and make it even harder for me to open my mouth. Celexa doesn't cause me any problems which is beyond me since it's suppose to be so close to Lexapro! As a group though, SSRI's (Paxil, Prozac) will make me feel okay but zone me out, leaving me with a smile on my face staring at piles of work that need to be done.
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> At this point at least I know I can function and am a pretty stable person without meds, but that something is out of balance and void and I feel I'm putting more stress on my brain than I need to be. When I start a med, I will now know what I was like not on meds and have a point of reference, something I didn't have before since I stopped drinking.
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poster:platinumbride
thread:487624
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20050423/msgs/489243.html