Posted by SLS on January 30, 2005, at 9:46:25
In reply to SO suicidal, posted by linkadge on January 28, 2005, at 18:59:08
OK Linkadge, now it's your turn.
You have had many people reach out to you in this thread. Do you have any thoughts or feelings you'd like to share?
At least let us know that you are still here with us.
Thanks.
- Scott
--------------------------------------------
> I just can't explain the symptoms I am having.Some feelings are beyond words to describe. You do a good job of it, though.
> Every second I am alive I want to kill myself.
I guess I will be forced to believe you because you say it is so, but there is such life and vitality in so many of your posts. You are working too hard to get well. It is difficult to believe that you are in a suicidal state while you are doing so much reading, writing, and processing.
I do believe you, though. I was your age and depressed not so long ago. I do remember it. At such an age, there is an intensity to most every experience. I think it is this youthful intensity that drives your mind to shift into an either/or polarity.
> It just never ends.
> Never, nomatter what I try to do.
It has just not ended yet.
You might need to adjust your expectations as to how long it could take for you to reach a state of wellness that you find rewarding. I think you might want to start thinking in terms of years rather than weeks or months. This might be more realistic given the protracted rate at which drug trials can run and the number of permutations of treament to explore. To think in terms of weeks might cause you to end many, many trials prematurely.
To think in terms of weeks and months is bound to bring you to a point of frustration often. As young as you are, and as intense as is your mind, this frustration might translate into fits of parasuicide.
> I am so messed up.
I know it must feel that way.
> No doctor can help.
I doubt that. Find new doctors. They do exist. Just remember that with any doctor, the plan of attack might require patience and compliance on your part.
> Nothing works.
Not yet.
> I am more hopless than I have ever been.
I'm sorry to hear this. What is it about this time that makes it worse than the others?
> I think I have had a stroke. I think I have had a seizure.
These are not rational conclusions. What are your reasons for believing these things? Perhaps it is just the frustration yelling out loud. I don't think so, though. As much as your depressed affect and the cognitive distortions it produces might contribute to these thoughts, I think something else is going on there that can probably be best addressed through cognitive psychotherapy.
> It is just a matter of time.
EXACTLY! Your getting well is just a matter of time.
> I am just waiting for the right time.
You are actively seeking biopsyciatric treatments that will inevitably bring you wellness when the time is right. The right time is waiting for you. Don't waste it.
> My arms legs and face is tingling.
Have you any ideas as to what is causing this? Do you think it might be a somatic reaction to the incredible stress you are now experiencing?
> I can't read a sentence.
Then I got you beat! I can get through three.
> I am in hell, and it just won't end.
We each have our own hells that are the absolute worst that we can ever know. However, time and chemistry on your side to make sure it will end. I just can't promise you when..
> There is no point to being alive.
Q: What is the meaning of life?
A: Life is its own meaning.
You can do whatever you want with yours, Linkadge. You can kill yourself. You have this right as a human being as far as I'm concerned. But if you do, it all ends. Your consciousness just disappears. Linkadge disappears. My recommendation is that you wait until you are at least past the age 34 before reaching this decision.
> The psychiatrist I was about to see posponed my appointment for another month.
Perhaps telling the secretary the truth - that you are suicidal - will get you the help now that you urgently need. I bet your doctor would be pissed at the both of you were you not to be brought in much sooner were he to know this. If not, I would recommend finding another doctor who can manage a case load that offers you the help you need. I don't know. Perhaps this guy is the brilliant one who will get you well, and it is in your best interests to suffer in the meantime. Actually, you might not need so much brilliance and notoriety in a doctor for you to find the right combination of pharmacotherapy and psychotherapy. See if you can find someone that you connect with because it might indeed take more than a year or two to get it right.
> No docotor cares.
This is not true.
But you really do know that what you said is not true. You are just frustrated.
> All the doctors leave it up to me, but no doctor seems to understand that I can't do it.
It might be time to give over some of the control to the doctor. Of course, you have to find the right one first. The knowledge you have accumulated will act as a powerful tool to do this. It is at least as important for you to interview the doctor as it is for him to interview you.
> I have a horrible sinking feeling all day long. There is a lump in my throat all day long.
That's the suicidality you are fighting. If you reduce the anxiety, you will reduce the suicidality and begin thinking a bit more positively and realistically. Do whatever you can to treat the anxiety for now. There's nothing wrong with using benzodiazepines if you have them handy. Otherwise, I recommend Zyprexa.
> I can't sleep, and I don't eat.
> My face looks like a skeleton. I have lost many pounds. Muscles in my arms legs, and face twich all day long.
> I am cold, and in pain. I weep bitterly untill my nose bleeds and my eyes burn. It still doesn't stop. I feel like somebody is pusing me. Sometimes my head turns to the side and it gets stuck like that an I can't move it for hours.
> My vision periodically goes black and sometimes red. I don't know who I am.
> I have trouble swallowing. My hands and feet are cold all day long. I have chest pains, and diareah every day.
> I fear everthing.
> I just want to die. Every day it gets worse.
> I cannot blink my eyes properly for some reason.
You are suicidal.
I also think that you might be pathologically obsessive, and that this comorbid condition is what helps drive the suicidality. I think it is a personality thing and not a psychobioligical thing. (SLS is not a doctor).
> Why does nobody want to help me?
Because I have nothing better to do at the moment.
> Why does no docotor say, I will see you as often as you need till you get better ?
The next time you interview a doctor, ask him this question. Find out in advance how often he can see you if an urgency develops.
> Why do the docotors see me for 5 minautes and send me away?
Now THAT is sick. Get thee to another doctor. They should spend an absolute minimum of 15-30 minutes with you once you are beyond the diagnostic phase.
> Is this all there is? Why does the hospital leave me lying there all day? Why does going to the hopsital make me more hopless?
> There is no point to even be posting here.
Of course there is.
Now you've gone and ferreted out my true motives for "helping" you. I really don't give a darn about you, Linkadge, I just want you to keep posting because of the brilliance you have shown so that maybe *I* can benefit from you and get well. There are others here who look to you for the information, guidence, and warmth you provide.
> Words can only help so much.
I know. I wish I had the right ones, though.
> I am only 21,
Intense, isn't it. I know.
> and God hates me so much.
Since you know so much about the Mind of God, perhaps you can tell me if he hates me too.
> He won't lift a finger to help. Not a single finger. Why does he not care for me?
Please ask him for me too. I deserve better than this. I am a better person than this. I don't deserve to live this hell.
Please ask him. He hasn't yet told me why I was chosen.
For now, make your anxiety your immediate target and see if you can find something to hit it with. Then you can just rest for awhile. You need to rest.
> What have I done wrong.
I'm pretty sure that's not what God is about. I doubt you have done anything wrong.
> Why can't I just die.
Of course you will die - just not today.
Once or twice I've asked, "Am I going to die, doctor?" Inevitably, he says, "Of course not!". I then ask, "What medical school did *you* go to. Of course I'm going to die!"
- Scott
PS - I don't have the energy to proofread this, so if I've said something to make you feel worse, it's probably just a typo.:-)
poster:SLS
thread:449369
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20050128/msgs/450098.html