Posted by tom_traubert on November 19, 2004, at 8:22:12
In reply to Re: Can my medication be causing this? » tom_traubert, posted by BRC on November 19, 2004, at 7:11:45
Yeah, it's not easy. The structure of anxiety and panic really comes into play here. It builds and builds and builds and the more you try to find reasons why it's there and why you're not going crazy, the frantic search increases the anxiety which increases the ocd thoughts. It's terrible. I was thinking of an analogy for it, and it's something like being told to hold onto something, like a metal weight or ball. You have the strength to hold it indefinitely, no problem. But you're told that if you drop the ball, it will set off a chain of events that will mean your death and the death of your loved ones. You start to focus intently on your grip. All your attention and streangth is put into grasping the object and your fear of dropping causes you much anxiety. As a result, you start to sweat, causing the ball to move within your fingers, to start sliding around. You also get dizzy, your balance causes your arm to sway. it gets harder and harder to hold on, which causes you more and more anxiety, which causes more and more sweat which makes it harder to hold on. Etc Etc. You have the strength and the grip, but the threat reuins everything. Like walking on a wide plank of wood that rests on the ground. No problem, walk right across. Put that same plank of wood 100 ft up in the air and to walk across is no easy task. Which is a real threat, because "I could fall!!" Now, that fear is real. However, the OCD makes you have the same reaction to your thoughts : "I could fall" = "I'm going crazy, I'm a murderer, I'm a pervert, I'm a loser, I'm a criminal, I'm a psychopath" but the plank is on the ground the whole time. But you still obsess obsess obsess how to defend yourself from the thoughts and accusations that you know at heart are incorrect and irrational but the possibility of their truth is horrifying, so you find ways to combat the fear, logic, looking at the past for some signs of your madness, finding good things about your self. But this search and this battle and these arguments are as much a part of the ocd as the intrusive thoughts. In fact, the searching and the defending and the responding to the thoughts actually strengthens the intrusive thoughts and makes it more likely that they will return.
The one saving grace is that this is something that has been documented and treated. If you haven't already, pick up "The Imp of the Mind" by Dr. Lee Baer and "Don't Panic" by Dr. Reid Wilson. If I had Dr. Baer's book when I was 18 I swear it would have been the single most helpful thing in the world. More than medication, more than the support of family. Just to know what it is and that it affects others and that it is not a sign of your imminent destruction is a huge relief. It's a great book and it explains precisely what youre experiencing, much better than my attmepts. Get it.
The "I don't understand why they're uncontrollable" and the subsequent frantic. search to understand why is your one way ticket to remain a slave to the thoughts. The book will tell you why, then it's your job to be ok with it, which of course is the real challenge. It seems counterintuitive, but it's true and it works.
Good Luck,
tt
poster:tom_traubert
thread:417230
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20041118/msgs/417826.html