Posted by katia on November 7, 2003, at 15:00:52
In reply to Re: Hello gals..., posted by fluffy on November 7, 2003, at 11:55:44
Hi Katy, I'll apologize right now for the long post. It just kept going...
So good to hear from you too. I know what you mean about "overidentifying" with the dx. On one hand I think that's normal. For me, for so long I blamed myself and was in such torment for years without an explanation or dx, feeling inadequate and less than; that it's been good for me to throw my hands up in the air and give in to the dx for awhile and lie around like a slug attributing everything to this disorder. I know I'll find a balance. One thing that's been clear in this lastest down swing is that I wasn't really down before; I was mixed and cycling. As I told Barb and you may have read (always welcome to read everything), sometimes I need a contrasting mood in order to define the previous one. I'm definitely down now. Not severly, but that ole' familiar feeling that I used to know as "me". Now I know it as depression. The other thing about being aware of this whole dx is when, like now, I'm in the midst of a pretty hard down swing, I realize that I'm in it (b/c of the contrast) and I'm not so hard on myself. and I can see all the things that "experts" say you feel when you're depressed. In other words, I can see that it is not me and it IS hard to do something "about it" and "snap out of it". It's a strong hold.
I think i experienced mixed yesterday because I was rushing and stressed to the doctor's office and had just woken up. I wasn't even able to have a bowel movement!:-) Just in case you were interested... But I feel like I've got to shelter myself so much. When I used to go to a job that was in the morning, i experienced the mixed state just about all day due to the rushing in the morning. and then I'd get home and deserve a glass of vino due to the stress all day from the mixed state. God, it's amazing to see my life through this different lens now. I wish I'd have had this sight 15 years ago.
**The other thing I'm experiencing is having a hard time being authentic in front of friends and public. I'm the best actress in the world and for so long, I've done the minimum to get by in social settings and the limited encounters I've had with my friends. I put on a face as I melt and disintegrate on the inside. AND drink to get through it. Drinking spins me into hypomania. (maybe hence why i'm depressed now, I don't have the drinking to propel me within minutes to a hypo state. (I normally have hidden away until I have enough energy to face the world again). And then afterwards, I race home exhausted and crumble. The exterior (great quote by the way) of me does nothing to portray what's going on in the interior. One of my friends (of four years) doesn't really get this dx; doesn't really believe in "pathologies" anyway. It hasn't been said, but I can feel her disbelief and distrust with what I"m doing with meds and so forth. And I can understand her confusion to a point....She attributes all those times that I've called her crying and desperate to "life circumstances" and I'm a sensitive soul. But it's almost as if she doesn't have time to pander towards this wallering in a diagnosis as if it's something escapist or "romantic". I feel so unseen and misunderstood by her and don't know how to bring it up. These are all subtle feelings that haven't been talked about. She's just said to me "If you believe it, then that's all that is important". Which is BS, b/c I don't get supported or understood that way.
Anyway, sorry to go on, but just wondering if you (or anyone else) has trouble with letting the actress go and giving myself permission to say "I'm in a depression right now and I can't laugh at all your jokes because YES, I suffer from a mood disorder". OR "Sorry I yelled at the woman in the theatre, I was in a mixed state of INTENSE agitation.". It's like what do I own? and what do I hide because it's really just me "acting out"? It's all so confusing. AM I making any sense????**RE: Trileptal, now my pdoc is set on Lithium. Probably because I was still cycling on Dep. I was better, but not totally. I'm upping the Lam. today to 100mg and hopefully, *pray*, that it will lift me up. I also want to get my thyroid checked pre-Lithium. don't want another set of problems.
"don't compare other peoples' outsides with your
insides." Pretty profound, eh?**GREAT QUOTE. and something to remember. One wise thing my mother did say to me when I was growing up (b/c I'm sooo sensitive) is "just because you see someone you know and they don't look happy, it could be because they are having a bad day and has nothing to do with you". Somewhat different than what you mean above. yes, I know your comparison. The image that comes to mind is lonely ole' me shuffling down an empty street shivering on rainy cold night alone and looking into the steamy windows of the warm houses with the cozy happy content families on the inside sitting by the fire together drinking hot chocolate. And feeling that I'll never have that and I'm such a loser and *uck up!
That's one thing, I've learned too. Everyone has things that they deal with and no one's life is perfect. And on the reverse side, this year I've realized also that not everyone has felt like me and that yes, possibly what I'm feeling isn't healthy or normal - hence me finally reaching out for help.**See this is what I wonder about. You only need 7ish hours of sleep and you do fine right? I crumble and crack if I don't get lots of sleep and then i'm a zombie for the first three hours upon entering the world again and then one hour of living, then bam! darkness again.....
>my preference is a Fuller's ESB...cheers to you.
*Is that a beer?? sorry for the ignorance....but you can tell where my fidelity lies....in skunk and swamp juice.Hugs back to you and I'm so glad you're there.
Katia
poster:katia
thread:238206
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20031105/msgs/277518.html