Posted by BarbaraCat on November 6, 2003, at 19:54:33
In reply to Re: Hello gals... » BarbaraCat, posted by katia on November 6, 2003, at 14:39:03
Hi Katia,
You're not on Depakote anymore? Have you considered Tegretol? Katy seems to be having good luck with it. If you're solo-ing it with lamictal and you're not up to a therapeutic dose, that could have alot to do with how you're feeling.As for the rest, that's saying alot, girlfriend. I went through a euphoria at first, how clear I felt, how much more energy w/o alcohol. Then the real sadness started creeping in, the stuff I'd been keeping at bay with alcohol. There isn't any easy way to deal with it. I had a few slides, enough to know that I can't do it anymore. Which leaves one in a quandary because there you are without much comfort. I know I'll imbibe over the holidays and with my husband as watchdog I know I won't tip over the edge. I also know I'll feel it and I won't feel so good about myself because I'll know it's not for my best. So why will I do it? I really don't know.
Yes, it sure seems like starting back at square one by giving in to The Beast. I don't think it's that fatal though - you just pick yourself up and start again, hopefully wiser and humbler. The feeling of utter failure and letting ourselves down that comes with giving in is a good excuse for saying screw it, I'm hopeless. And then you really feel bad.
Y'know, this life, this existence is REAL HARD. I guess there are plenty of folks who feel good about their lives, have enough of what they need and don't feel a sense of futility and pain most of the time that they have to mask with alcohol or drugs. I even know a few like that but they really are in the minority. What to do about it? Some kind of hopeless cosmic joke? We don't have the user's manual.
I'm with you all the way on the spiritual guidance. I guess that's probably the best reason to keep a clear channel - the guidance eventually gets clearer and more true. Oh, I've had some spectacular visions while under the influence of many different substances. But I usually question them afterwards or don't quite remember. The messages I get when clear, even tho fewer and less vivid, are more real and precious. One I got a few years back still sustains me. In answer to 'Why is all this happening? I'm ready to give up, I can't go on', I got a very clear voice 'We are not given to know the answers. We can only do our best, but that is enough. Take heart, it will become known. You are loved.' Ahhhhh, just to remember that Voice...
For me, I know what doing my best means and it includes staying away from things that are deadening and poisonous. If I can just get past this limbo stage and immerse myself in health and vitality and life once again! I know it's out there and in here but my God, this society sucks. What a barren thing this country has become. I seriously consider moving away from this sterile depressed country that's starting to resemble Mordor. But I won't kid myself. This black dog will follow me wherever I go. But at least he can do his business in a warmer, sunnier and more colorful back yard. Love and hugs to you, my friend. I'm glad you're there. - Barbara
poster:BarbaraCat
thread:238206
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20031105/msgs/277289.html