Posted by katia on August 15, 2003, at 16:17:22
In reply to Katia » katia, posted by Barbara Cat on August 15, 2003, at 14:12:44
Welcome back Barbara! I missed you! How was your holiday?
> Katia,
> Personal question, but did you have an abusive or stressful childhood?I think my childhood was stressful because I was so sensitive. The 70s were good, but when I hit 11 in 1981 that's when trouble started for me. What maybe was extremely traumatic for me was nothing for the next guy. and then it cycles and compounds each other - trauma more sensitivity, more depression, more trauma etc.
(what feels like trauma).
>>Did anything trigger it that you're aware of? Could it trigger it again?
Last summer, yes and no. I was already in a deep depression as i had moved to Scotland to be with my then boyfriend. I was falling deeper and deeper the longer I stayed there. In the end, I found out i was pregnant and he sent me back in the midst of a deep terrible depression with a one way ticket and wouldn't talk to me anymore. I had to stay at a friend's house - who is no longer a friend. I nearly lost all my marbles then. So yes the pregnancy and wonderful boyfriend I had triggered me to go as low as I did, but I was already in a clinical depression - unrecognized as such and untreated.
> As far as the spiritual study and practice, it doesn't cure us and isn't too available when we're in the worst of it, but I can't imagine where I'd be without it. When I'm a little better and realize others have gone through it and came through it stronger, it comforts me and helps me be better when I'm better (but not when I'm not). I keep hoping one day I'll believe it when I really need it.ditto.
I'm having a hard time at the moment. I have begun taking depakote and it's made me a bit wired. I feel out of control. I went out last night and stayed up past the sun rise and did things I shouldn't have done and now I'm (as you said) crawling into my hole cringing at my life and embarrassed at my behavior - wondering when all this craziness will end.
yes, I know I should contact my pdoc, but what am i to say? I'm too embarrassed. and he'd probably just say, wait a few more days and see how you feel. my body feels toxic. I feel awful.
I'm sick of this!
i'll just crawl back into my hole now.
Katia
> > Prior to starting the medication last summer, every second was eternal hell for me. I had completely lost my mind - howling on the floor, making noises I've never heard before, crawling from the bed to bathroom and it taking one hour, marking myself with my fingernails, crying crying crying. And in the midst of these three intense months, I listened to so many tapes, i.e. Ram Dass's lectures/talks, The Power of Now - Tolle, and Pema Chondron's "When Things Fall Apart".
>
poster:katia
thread:9730
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20030812/msgs/251139.html