Posted by zinya on July 21, 2003, at 12:15:41
In reply to Re: to Suzy, personal, re local referral » Susy, posted by mercedes on July 20, 2003, at 1:57:58
hi Mercedes,
i feel a bit of time warp, a sort of mini-Rip van Winkle... Seems like the site has been suddenly as busy as ever and i didn't keep up at all over the weekend...
Thanks so much for all this info. I'd never heard of Mobbing either... Reading the description brings to mind a couple of personal situations of my own that this resonated with ... I think your advice to Susy is very well taken.
My sense is that you, Susy, like so many of us (and i do think women more than men) are socialized to adopt what is also called a "co-dependent" kind of pattern where we tend first and foremost to think relationship maintenance is our responsibility and we can often much too readily bend ourselves to try to suit others' needs in ways that wind up being very counterproductive. Learning to know our own boundaries and to listen to those inner voices in us which start gnashing when we feel in our gut that we're being exploited or harrassed or disrespected, and to draw lines in the sand -- by just speaking out ... without feeling a need to explain ourselves so much (Paula, my bereavement counselor, in fact is very very helpful at reminding me how much i need to realize still that it's okay and sometimes better to NOT add explanations to why something is not okay with us, cuz then people pick those explanations apart, or try to, and just open us to more stress and sense of vulnerability.) It's a lifelong task, i think, to sort out such things for all of us. I do think children need to hear explanations for why they are allowed or not allowed to do things. But in our dealings with adults, like Susy's situation now with the Mean Manager (MM), your suggestions seem very wise. Sometimes the most effective thing we can do is just say the equivalent of "I don't like that." Period. No ands, if, buts, explanations, just stating without counterattack or self-defense either, just "I don't like that." I confess that's a VERY hard thing for me to do. I'm chronically feeling a need to explain myself.
again, thanks so much for sharing this info
hoping you're feeling gradually better and better in recovering from that last attack,
hugs and love,
zinya
poster:zinya
thread:13781
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20030718/msgs/243893.html