Posted by Ilene on March 10, 2003, at 17:42:47
In reply to Re: FEAR-Why, Why, Why???? » Ilene, posted by KrissyP on February 28, 2003, at 16:31:54
> Please feel free to share more about YOUR feelings with me about the statement you made "I am very sensitive about not being able to work, I don't feel pressured to live up to expectations, exactly, but it is more than just a sore spot."
>
> Kristen
>I've been trying to find your post so I could reply to it, but the search function doesn't seem to work (Dr. Bob? You there?)
Some of my feelings about work are based in my personal history, some because for years I had no idea what was wrong with me and felt very defensive, some because I haven't "done anything with my life", some because I am hypersensitive to criticism and having anyone evaluate my work, etc....
I did very well in school until I was about 16 or 17. Then I drifted into a deeper depression, but I had no clue what was going on--I just couldn't function in school any more. It continued when I was in college. I was very defensive about it. I couldn't explain it to anyone, even when I tried--I saw one of the college counselors, but he was utterly useless.
I had ongoing problems with my parents. They were always angry with me. Utterly unsupportive.
My mother was one of the most tactless people I have ever met, and I spent 18 years in her company. Not only was I irritable (now I know this is a symptom of BP disorder in a child) but my principle role model was the epitome of how *not* to get along with other people. I felt constantly criticized. And my parents insulted and yelled at each other. And my father's mother lived with us, and she and my mother did not get along, to be polite about it.
I dropped in and out of school until I managed to pull myself together and finish my undergraduate degree. I don't know how I did it. Things were better for a while, I got a job after I graduated and met the man who I later married. After that I had a hard time finding work. I got fired from one job. It was really awful.
No one ever suggested I was depressed, including four psychiatrists. It was only after I read a description of how it *physically* felt to be depressed (in a book about PMS, of all things--I've never had PMS) that I figured it out. I picked a random pdoc out of the yellow pages, told him I was feeling depressed, and he asked whether I wanted to try medication. Finally! I was already in my early 30s. I don't understand why I had to diagnose *myself* before I got any help.
I know there's no point in comparing myself to other people, but I feel like I've been living under a rock while other people have gone out and had interesting lives, or at least had jobs.
Must go, child complaining about dinner.
--I.
poster:Ilene
thread:203910
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20030310/msgs/207815.html