Posted by Blah on January 27, 2003, at 23:18:12
In reply to Re: opiates and major depression » juanantoniod, posted by BrittPark on January 27, 2003, at 18:51:47
I know a pdoc who would rx buprenorphine, but she says it's not in stores yet, and I think she's waiting for something from the gov. too, but maybe she's just waiting for it to come to drug stores. I think I may switch to her anyway though. I'm not sure about this specialist. He expects me to try a plethera of other medications before I try an opioid, and I do not have that kind of time or energy anymore. I'm also running out of ambien, and if at my next visit he is not willing to give me an rx I will dump him. Often I find it impossible to sleep. This has been true my whole life. My body is not capable of a sleep schedule, I've tryed many times. When I can't sleep I must have ambien cause this is maybe the most depressing and dangerous time for me. If this "specialist" can't understand that , and instead drones on about addiction (which believe me is not a problem for me I only take it when I need it) then I will dump him and go to the other one. More reasources means nothing if you don't care about the suffering of your patient. However there is another problem. I know that I have many personality dissorder traits along with the depression. I have come to the conclusion that my core problem may be traits of schizotypal personality disorder, which means I'm mildly psycotic, even autistic in some ways. I don't have hallucinations or unearthly delusions, but I feel so separated from people even though I can empathise with them. When I try to do things alone I get lost in myself, this is of course much worse the more depressed I am. When I have occasionaly felt good or even when I had hope I still had difficulty, but I could still push through, and even have some succssess. However, I don't feel good at all anymore, and I have no hope left. I feel angry that after all my years in the mental health system I had to figure this out for myself. I've been told everything from 'I wasn't doing my school work or cleaning my room so I could get back at my parents' to 'I was lazy' to 'I was just trying to get attention by being different' to 'its because you have no selfesteem' I now see that all my deniles of these premesses were right, my lack of self esteem came from a knowledge of my limits contrasted with what others expected of me, and made me expect of myself. I was a fool to listen to anyone above myself, even if they did have a Phd. after their names. Supposedly the only drugs that would help my thought problems are antipsycotics. I refuse to take these drugs. They all have the possibility of PERMANANT parkinsons like symtoms (loss of motor control) I have nothing already, to loose even more control of my body would finish me. The only one that doesn't have this possibility is Clozapine, but you must get weekly drug screenings cause it will kill all your white blood cells. My Imunesystem is week enough already thank you. Antidepressants are sometimes given for the accompanying depression, but we already know they don't work for me. I'm willing to try maybe two mood stabalizers, but that's it. I will not try endless drugs from the same class ever again. I'm also thinking of experimenting with smart drugs from europe which aren't available here, but are not controled substances. The best thing for me would be a loving and supportive attmospher, but that won't exist for me while I'm in so much mental and physical pain. Maybe in this increasingly fascist world that support is never possible for me, but if an Opioid lets me feel some joy, and lets me function to some extent maybe I can find a satisfying way to be a part of it... Somehow.
poster:Blah
thread:81414
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20030125/msgs/137874.html