Posted by BarbaraCat on November 8, 2002, at 14:48:48
In reply to Re: ideas for poss Bipolar...not sure what type » BarbaraCat, posted by Brandymac26 on November 8, 2002, at 8:30:31
Dear BrandyMac,
Thanks for your post. First of all, here are some websites that were very helpful for me:http://www.psycheducation.org/depression/frameset.html
http://www.psycheducation.com/depression/frameset.html
http://www.bipolarworld.netThese entire websites are filled with info and very good so explore.
Also the book 'Why your depression isn't getting better', by Dr. M. Bartos. You can get it at Amazon.com
I also did a Google search on bipolar AND "mixed states" and turned up a few good ones. You won't find a whole lot since it's a new diagnosis, but enough to recognize your symptoms. In the meantime, let me share with you some of my own experiences and see if it resonates. This will be long, so read as much as you want. Much of it is for myself as I seek to clarify it in my own mind.
First of all, I think I know what you're going through and it's so scary and fragmented when you don't know what the hell is going on. Take heart, though, because what you're experiencing fits bipolar II mixed-states spectrum to a perfect 'T'. That may not seem like something to take relief in because, oh God, bipolar, that's too weird, too stigmacized, crazy even, OH GOD, LITHIUM!!. However, with this knowledge and some understanding of this very interesting disorder, you can arm yourself with a plan, a context to put it all in, and develop great compassion for yourself.
It's the stuff of genius and great energy and the anguish of Paradise Lost. But it's so hard to love ourselves when we look back from a state of depression on our foolish impulsive irresponsible manic escapades. It may be fun at the time, but afterwards you're exhausted and rather ashamed of calling so much attention to yourself, especially with work related things. I used to go out with folks after work, or to company parties and drink wine and Margaritas and a hypomanic state would just come upon me, triggered by the high energy of the situation. It doesn't take much to flip me into a wild and crazy state, even at 51 years old. I'd be the first and last one up on the dance floor, breaking into a wild bellydance in the middle of a circle clapping me on. I'd tell raucous dirty jokes to my manager and his wife and then drag everyone at the table up to do a rhumba around the room. At the end of the event, everyone would be ready to turn in, but no not me, I'm still prowling and milking the juice of life ready to screw my brains out, the heck with my husband. Very fun, very entertaining, but then I'd have to go back to work and realize everyone thought I was a bit of a drunken wild floozey. Or at least I was paranoid that they did. Not good for the systems analyst project manager I used to be.
I also would have spells of not sleeping, bursts of creativity, buying hundreds of dollars of plants and bulbs and then getting too disorganized to plant them. Bags and bags of tulip bulbs moldering away in a garage that is chock full of 'stuff', crafts, projects that got started and never completed, boxes and boxes of stuff. Sure wish I had the money I spent on this crap. I hate going in there and keep promising I'm going to clean it out now that I'm on the mend. I know it will free up alot of stuck energy.
That was the fun side of hypomania. It can be very infectious and daring and devil-may-care. But the disorganization, the agitation and paranoia, the sense of doom and destruction and black despair and intense raw sensitivity - that's not fun at all, and that's what mixed states is. It's the same wild energy, but gone into the wrong channel, the 'Horror Channel'. All that creative energy gone kerflooey. There's also the usual vegetative stuck drab grey depression that can come on, but mixed states is something else altogether and it's own category of bipolar. Those web sites will explain alot of it.
We can't take SSRI's or any other antidepressant without a mood stabilizer. This is crucial. Not taking any antidepressant is best, but we're usually on one at the start and have to wean off. Lamictal and lithium are what are saving me. I also have to take a benzo at times. I really think this condition is an electrical imbalance in our brains rather than a 'chemical' one. The mood stabilizers work on this electrical 'neuron gate' theory and balance the electrical impulses between the two hemispheres of the brain. Fish oil (12 grams) also is very helpful. You're in the company of alot of creative genuis and other tortured souls, but at least we have meds that really work, namely Lamictal and lithium, both together. Well, that's my diatribe for now. - BarbaraCat
> I would like to know if you could give me some website links that go in detail about bipolar disorder. I am really starting to think that I may be bipolar, and have been told by numerous people that I definetley could be. The thread "need help w/ diagnosis" explains some of my symptoms. The reason I'm having such a hard time finding info is b/c most sites I've been to expalain Bipolar1, and that doesnt really fit me. I have really bad depression, get into mixed states (both of the criteria for these states fit me), but the manis phase is what s throwing me off. I dont go without sleep, or become real creative, and want to go, go, go, all the time. I get real irritable, panicky, and sometime make decisions that arent the best in the world. Like I will decide I'm gonna quit my job and go back to school full time. Of course a couple of weeks down the road I realize I was an idiot for doing this, b/c I need the monsy, and I get depressed, quit school, and then end up in a mixed state with wierd episodes of feeling like people are watching me in the shower, or the worl is ending, or that I have some terrible disease and every time the phon erings its my doc calling to report bad news.
> What is confusing is that I've never been suicidal, when i get depressed all I want to do is sleep b/c I'm exhausted, and I dont want anyone or anything to bother me. On the other hand, I never really get fully manic either. Now, as a teenager, and into my early 20's, I fit the manic profile to a "T". Nothing that I felt coincided with what was going on in my life, i always wanted to go out and party, stay up all night, made really stupid decisions and wondered later why I did what I did. But now, i dont ever get that bad. I just get really panicky, irritated, make bad decisions etc. Does this fit into any bipolar spectrums? Every website I have been to says that you really have to be manic, and I almost have a hard time understanding what that is b/c even as a teenager, I thought my behavior was part of my personality. I am on lexapro(10mg's), and it's helped a little w/ my anxiety, but not really done anything for the depression. I'm at a loss here. I dont know whats wrong with me. Thanks
> Brandy
poster:BarbaraCat
thread:126351
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20021108/msgs/126980.html