Posted by reese1 on September 7, 2002, at 10:47:01
In reply to Re: bruprenorphine/subutex, posted by Cisco on August 4, 2002, at 17:57:40
HELLO, it's reese or real name doug again. i guess i pop in here when i feel down but now down enough that i can't turn on the computer.
just to talk about myself for a moment and tell you what's been going on. few months back i spoke of going into NYU because of the brilliance of the head big man there called Dr. Robert Cancro, if you did a search on him he would show up all over the place. He did tests on me previously and they showed in his terms "my mind is basically fucked up" he runs neurological tests. So when i met him last june/july he could tell in my face i was pretty much on my way out so he wanted me in the hospital as soon as possible. he said my tests were all over the place but showed signs that i had parkinson's even though i don't have it exactly. my dopamine is non-existen and movements. but to make it clear i don't suffer from parkinson's it's just how my mind showed on the tests was that of someone with parkinson's, bipolar, etc. the one thing i didn't have according to the test was depression. which was teh fucked up thing.
so i go into the hospital. three weeks stay i am told. sixth time for me. i hate them more than words can say. in the begining with psych wards there was for me, a novelty of help, now it is purely sad. i see everyone from where they are to where they are going to what they are going to be. and it never looks good. i can't read. i can't write. i can't sit still. i just watch the door opening and closing and thinking how easy it would be to walk out with someone but then my insurance would be fucked.
so after the first day nothing. second day nothing. i knew they were going to take me off my neurontin and lithium. but i asked if i would be spending time in the hospital tapering. i've tapered from everything so i definetly do not need to inpatient to do that. well i walk in i'm down to something like 600mg neurontin 300 mg lithium all other drugs are the same. they raise me back up to my normal doses. third day nothing. i'm going crazy at this point. the residentail doctor was very kind and just as frustrated since i was dr. cancro's patient and he runs the show he didn't know what to do since cancro was working with me special. 4th day he shows up we go in his office. he grunts alot. then speaks quietly with straight forward bogard type lingo. hmmm....shitt..... so he says how are you? shitty. i hate it here. i'm not doing well. what are you taking. i tell him how they've raised me up on the neurontin and lithium and he looks at the resident like you fucking idiot why don't you listen to the kid he knows what he's talking about but how or why should he listent to me. so he says i want you to do this one test. i'm thinking i've been here for four days and i'm going to take another test i could do as an out-patient. let again to remind you that inpatient is so fucking painful to me. i cry when i wake up my mind spinning from past feelings of being there when there was hope and now having no nails left to bite.
so this test he says i'm going to take. then he speaks in doctor talk about adding something. it turns out to be bromocriptine. parkinson's dopamine agonists. wow. maybe that will help. as i walk out i ask if we could switch anti depressants, and switch from something besides the adderal. no we'll do that later. he also took me off risperdal because any anti-psychotic sucks your dopamine he says.
so in the hall way the res approaches me looking kind of nervous and sad and says don't get mad but that test he mentioned. i said yeah. he said you took it a week before you came in here. i thought what the fuck. my meds are no different now. why take this test again. so i go take it again. results are more or less the same. i tell the resident doc that i'm supposed to be here for three weeks and his jaw drops. why? he says. that's what he said. that can't be the resident says.
so they take me off something and add depakote. my history with depakote is only a history. i took it for five or six years. felt no side effects. felt nothing at all except the helping of rapid cycling. it's now thursday i was admitted monday. it turns out good old dr. cancro is going on vacation for a month come tommorow.
three weeks? here. when he is the only doctor who has permission to do something since my case is so strange. so i want to get out friday. anybody who has been in a psych ward a day is nothing to do with a normal day. and the weekends are not weekends. staying friday sat sun mon is much different than friday. but they won't let me leave because they want to see how i do on depakote. my mom calls telling them i've been on it for years and it's not an issue. i tell them. but then they tell my mom they want to get the test results from the bronocriptine. so i wait over the weekend. they take blood for the depakote not the bromocriptine.i leave monday. i have to wait six weeks to see the doctor again. till then i take what i was basically taking before i went in, except for the bromocriptine and depakote. which is nothing.
my appt comes sept 4th. i'm scared. don't ask why. walk in. he says sit down. then looks through my notes. asks what i'm taking. which bothered me cause i hoped he would have an idea, which would lead to a plan he had set up to move to a different type of medication. he writes down what i'm taking. looks at me again. and asks so how are you doing? not good. not good at all. the same as before. hmmmm he says. well before we do anything i want you to take a test then we can move on...he gets on the phone and calls someone the guy on the phone says he's been here already. the dr says that's okay. he gives me the name of the guy to go see. it's the same guy i've seen twice in the last three months. my drugs haven't changed enought to redo the test. i ask him in mercy if there is something else we can do
he told me so much stuff when it was me and my dad in there, how many medications were out there to get a handle on this, to raise my dopamine, to help me, all i must say without a promise of success but most of all there was a promise of alot of attempts. so i leave with nothing but an appointment to get the same test done that i've already taken twice. even the guy who does the tests was confused the last time i came for the second time. all the testing is what you call practice testing for possible connections with shit. i don't remember what that's called. so i ask him almost in a whimper isn't there something ...and he looks down...then up..and gets up and goes into his closet and gives me to same boxes of geodone. an anti-psychotic. i thought these suck out my dopamine i said. no at a low level. i walked out and didn't want to open my eyes for the rest of the day
i firmly believe that the only person i have left who can give me anysort of help is myself. i might lose but i have been to so many professionals
i'm going to oakland to see my mom and she asked if i wanted to go see the bi-polar dept there. and i said thanks mom but to spend one hour with a doctor telling my story again to be given the same medication i've already taken over and over again
but one thought i had was for anyone with expierence with Mclean
i know elizabeth does
i read they have an outpatient program
i'm sure they have an impatient program as well
and they seem to be up on latest clinical tests
if i went out there for some time would they allow me to work with them on drugs such as buprenex. the time i tried buprenex was a disaster. the shrink who told me to take it at the same time had me detoxing from celexa, adderall, neurontin, lithium, risperdal, all i was taking was wellbutrin, buprenex, topomax (which my insurance wouldn't pay for) and lamactal which takes months to work
so that was not a fair chance
please help me
thank youreese/doug
sorry for such a long letter
poster:reese1
thread:93100
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20020906/msgs/119179.html