Posted by Er on February 25, 2002, at 20:04:17
Hi. Well, jumping right in...
It all started 10 months ago...actually it started way before, but it..."surfaced publicly", 10 months ago. I've always been a really anxious little guy, but my anxiety was through the roof and I was extremely depressed. Tried to off myself with pills and vodka. Didn't work but I slept well. Therapist put me in private psych hospital...I was reeeally uncomfortable there, to the point where my memory was almost not working at all (like anybody's name, what day it was, room number, etc.) I was very weirded out/spaced, they gave me Paxil, Zyprexa, Depakote...yeah I know, excessive for depression right? Well not if you get diagnosed with schizoeffective...oops, their goof. So, I return to work 25 days later medicated to the eyeballs. I'm slow, getting fat, etc. Start seeing a new psychiatrist who is appalled at the diagnosis and amount of drugs I was on. Cut it to Wellbutrin (depression and sexual difficulties...more on that) and Ritalin. So now I have depression and ADHD. time keeps going by. more sexual problems with the wife. One month ago, after the years of excuses, I fess up about a problem I've had since early early childhood...of a very VERY personal nature. My only big secret, but not even any details. I'd always had a fantasy that was out of the ordinary. I won't tell you what it is, I managed to tell one person to date, and doing so was the sum of earthly torment...Yeah, so I tell my therapist...what general category it is in. She starts to think I was sexually abused as a child, before I could remember. This is very upsetting to me and the next two weeks were the blackest of my mid twenties. To think of my parents in that way..i couldn't even consider it. My therapist referred me to a very nice counselor who specializes in sexual issues. For 45 minutes she is asking me "what is it?" and I am just stammering "it's...it's....okay, I think about...ugh, sorry...". I just CANNOT say it, I cannot share it, I'm mortified of anyone knowing! Strange thing is I am fully aware of the fact that it's NOTHING! It's nothing depraved or violent or immoral and it's even with the opposite sex, but I never had any idea why I had it, what it meant and how I could make it go away...I think about it every day. It makes me nervous everytime I've been looking someone in the eyes for more than a few moments...I become so worried that they see it in my eyes...It kept me from going to class in college because after work I had to go home and...well, spend some time alone in front of the PC. I'll spare you any further details. This could sometimes go on for four or five hours a night, anytime I could be by myself...it's gotten worse and worse into adulthood.
When I finally told the sex-therapist what it was, and was literally cringing and trembling and crying in my chair, hiding my eyes from her, she just said..."that's it?....that's ALL it is? Are you SURE?". At that point she said that my problem seemed more like OCD than anything abuse related...She wrote a letter to my psychiatrist who I will see next week, suggesting he put me on Luvox or similar.
Does this sound like OCD? I've through this over and over and over again for two weeks wondering if it could possibly be that simple. If something I had to fight to control in my mind for 25 !#%$^ years of my life could be quelled by a pill? Too good to be true...and that's IF it's OCD, which with my luck, it won't be since I seem to be the exception to every rule on earth.
But, come to think of it, I do constantly get intrusive thoughts...of really nasty stuff...generally, violence that I can't block out. Oh, I'M not violent in the least, I can't block out the thought of it happening TO me...knees breaking...gunshot wounds...blades, stab-wounds, burns on my face...God I can almost feel it...I feel it when I'm standing in line waiting for a prescription...I am so engulfed by thoughts of having my groin smashed that I casually cross my legs and wince, hoping none of the old ladies in the line notice. How on earth do you explain this to someone.
OR...
Am I just exaggerating my symptoms unknowingly? Am I just amplifying their meaning so that I'll believe I'm fixing a problem that's easier to solve than a real one?
I'm so edgy. I snap at my wife for interrupting my guitar playing. I was doing nothing important, but now, I know when I try to pick it back up, I won't be able to get the interruption and the anger off my mind.
I'm suicidal one day. The next day I'm like "What the hell was all that morbid crap about? Did I really think that or was I playing a sick joke on myself?"
Some days I'm king of the party. On days like today, people just don't look human anymore I have so much hidden contempt for them...with their lifeless minds whittled down by TV so they just seem like organic robots of mass consumption. Not you, the other ones. :)Please, please, please help me.
Er
poster:Er
thread:95505
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20020222/msgs/95505.html