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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 9 of 9. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Er on February 25, 2002, at 20:04:17
Hi. Well, jumping right in...
It all started 10 months ago...actually it started way before, but it..."surfaced publicly", 10 months ago. I've always been a really anxious little guy, but my anxiety was through the roof and I was extremely depressed. Tried to off myself with pills and vodka. Didn't work but I slept well. Therapist put me in private psych hospital...I was reeeally uncomfortable there, to the point where my memory was almost not working at all (like anybody's name, what day it was, room number, etc.) I was very weirded out/spaced, they gave me Paxil, Zyprexa, Depakote...yeah I know, excessive for depression right? Well not if you get diagnosed with schizoeffective...oops, their goof. So, I return to work 25 days later medicated to the eyeballs. I'm slow, getting fat, etc. Start seeing a new psychiatrist who is appalled at the diagnosis and amount of drugs I was on. Cut it to Wellbutrin (depression and sexual difficulties...more on that) and Ritalin. So now I have depression and ADHD. time keeps going by. more sexual problems with the wife. One month ago, after the years of excuses, I fess up about a problem I've had since early early childhood...of a very VERY personal nature. My only big secret, but not even any details. I'd always had a fantasy that was out of the ordinary. I won't tell you what it is, I managed to tell one person to date, and doing so was the sum of earthly torment...Yeah, so I tell my therapist...what general category it is in. She starts to think I was sexually abused as a child, before I could remember. This is very upsetting to me and the next two weeks were the blackest of my mid twenties. To think of my parents in that way..i couldn't even consider it. My therapist referred me to a very nice counselor who specializes in sexual issues. For 45 minutes she is asking me "what is it?" and I am just stammering "it's...it's....okay, I think about...ugh, sorry...". I just CANNOT say it, I cannot share it, I'm mortified of anyone knowing! Strange thing is I am fully aware of the fact that it's NOTHING! It's nothing depraved or violent or immoral and it's even with the opposite sex, but I never had any idea why I had it, what it meant and how I could make it go away...I think about it every day. It makes me nervous everytime I've been looking someone in the eyes for more than a few moments...I become so worried that they see it in my eyes...It kept me from going to class in college because after work I had to go home and...well, spend some time alone in front of the PC. I'll spare you any further details. This could sometimes go on for four or five hours a night, anytime I could be by myself...it's gotten worse and worse into adulthood.
When I finally told the sex-therapist what it was, and was literally cringing and trembling and crying in my chair, hiding my eyes from her, she just said..."that's it?....that's ALL it is? Are you SURE?". At that point she said that my problem seemed more like OCD than anything abuse related...She wrote a letter to my psychiatrist who I will see next week, suggesting he put me on Luvox or similar.
Does this sound like OCD? I've through this over and over and over again for two weeks wondering if it could possibly be that simple. If something I had to fight to control in my mind for 25 !#%$^ years of my life could be quelled by a pill? Too good to be true...and that's IF it's OCD, which with my luck, it won't be since I seem to be the exception to every rule on earth.
But, come to think of it, I do constantly get intrusive thoughts...of really nasty stuff...generally, violence that I can't block out. Oh, I'M not violent in the least, I can't block out the thought of it happening TO me...knees breaking...gunshot wounds...blades, stab-wounds, burns on my face...God I can almost feel it...I feel it when I'm standing in line waiting for a prescription...I am so engulfed by thoughts of having my groin smashed that I casually cross my legs and wince, hoping none of the old ladies in the line notice. How on earth do you explain this to someone.
OR...
Am I just exaggerating my symptoms unknowingly? Am I just amplifying their meaning so that I'll believe I'm fixing a problem that's easier to solve than a real one?
I'm so edgy. I snap at my wife for interrupting my guitar playing. I was doing nothing important, but now, I know when I try to pick it back up, I won't be able to get the interruption and the anger off my mind.
I'm suicidal one day. The next day I'm like "What the hell was all that morbid crap about? Did I really think that or was I playing a sick joke on myself?"
Some days I'm king of the party. On days like today, people just don't look human anymore I have so much hidden contempt for them...with their lifeless minds whittled down by TV so they just seem like organic robots of mass consumption. Not you, the other ones. :)Please, please, please help me.
Er
Posted by Merritt on February 25, 2002, at 21:46:06
In reply to Please, please, please help me. First post, posted by Er on February 25, 2002, at 20:04:17
Sounds like you have a problem...thinking too much about it doesn't help, it makes it worse.Having been as light and clever about my problems for many years, it sometimes helps if your doc says, 'hey, could you stop being so charming, we only have a few minutes'It stings, but he was right. Making a joke, or analyzing why or how or what doesn't always change a d-- thing.
So, now that I have good meds for depression and some help with anxiety....I understand what the years of therapy were getting at and I can use it everyday! It does matter that bad things happened to me, that I take everything way too seriously, and that I can't always control how I feel or react.
But...I have learned to just flow...not take life too seriously, because it doesn't last.
Merritt
Posted by ChrisK on February 26, 2002, at 5:52:10
In reply to Please, please, please help me. First post, posted by Er on February 25, 2002, at 20:04:17
Did your initial reaction to Zyprexa help at all? Because this sounds like a perfect situation for it. It has helped me and many others with obsessional thoughts. Mine happened to be continuous ruminating thoughts of death and suicide. The thoughts would just not go away no matter what type of AD I was trying. The only thing that helped clear my disturbed thought patterns was Zyprexa.
Don't be scared away by the anti-psychotic name tag. All of these meds we talk about are used to change your brain chemistry in one way or another. Do a little research on Zyprexa (or Risperdal or Seraquel or Geodon) and talk to your Dr. about it.
I wish the best for you.
Posted by Er on February 26, 2002, at 8:46:53
In reply to Re: Please, please, please help me. First post, posted by ChrisK on February 26, 2002, at 5:52:10
Thanks for the contributions fellas. About the Zyprexa question...I don't remember it making a significant difference...I do however, remember it causing me to gain weight (not good weight, gut weight) and my vision got so blurry that I actually needed glasses to read (normally 20/10 vision). It also made me extremely tired...groggy at best. I'm pretty sure I don't like that stuff...
Posted by Waterlily on February 26, 2002, at 11:38:11
In reply to Please, please, please help me. First post, posted by Er on February 25, 2002, at 20:04:17
As I was reading your post, but before I got to the OCD part I thought "sounds like OCD". You can have the obsessive part without the compulsive part and to me it sounds like what you're dealing with. I don't know if Luvox will solve all of your problems or if you will have other problems that will need to be dealt with in therapy. Good luck - hope everything works out well for you.
Posted by TenelKa on February 26, 2002, at 18:46:49
In reply to Please, please, please help me. First post, posted by Er on February 25, 2002, at 20:04:17
Personally, I'd look into having an OCD and having GAD (It's craptacular, trust me, and the whole obsessive thought thing I can *totally* understand (hey, you're not alone!)), but that's just an opinion. GOOD LUCK and BEST WISHES!
Posted by Life2.0 on February 27, 2002, at 0:23:01
In reply to Please, please, please help me. First post, posted by Er on February 25, 2002, at 20:04:17
There's a ton of stuff I could tell you Er, because your story sounds so similar to mine. But I realize you must be suffering a lot and desparately need some sort of relief, so I'll do what I can for now. I'd just like to talk about your terrible secret that seems to be eating you from the inside out.
You aren't the exception to every rule on earth.
I know what it's like to have a sexual fantasy that you think is so shameful that anyone finding out would be the absolute worst thing that could possibly happen to you in this life. I know the feeling that comes after the desire overwhelms you, and afterwards you sit in front of your PC looking at the images that seemed so exciting and arousing minutes before, and wishing you could almost die just to escape the guilt and shame you're feeling right now. I've been through the almost unbreakable cycle of sex addiction; the broken promises; the endless oaths taken on your mother's grave that you will never, ever, do it again. And then one day, maybe in late adolesence, the violent images invade your mind. You can't stop it. You initially think you're going out of your mind. You suffer horribly for a few months, more dead than alive. Gradually you learn to cope, just barely. But they are still there, almost mocking you sometimes.Sound familiar? I hope it does because this is just a small part of a story that we both seem to share. And I'd like to give you hope that you will be cured one day.
Am I cured? Nope. Do I suffer every day with depression and anxiety and obsessive thoughts and sex addiction? Yep. Do I ever think that death would be better that the constant pain? At least once a week. So why am I writing this? Because I've learnt a few things. I've learnt a lot about about brain chemistry - what chemical malfunctions cause particular disorders and what medications help to reduce the imbalances. I've also read some books on psychology, and I understand how shame and anger and guilt can turn into misdirected self-hatred. Thats what these obsessive thoughts and images are Er - your subconscious mind fighting for a way to let loose the pain that has built up. I'm guessing that you're someone that tends to bottle up their feelings and never show much emotion. You don't want to rage at anybody or anything, so you have to rage at yourself; you have to cause youself pain somehow.
Anyway, I've got to get up early in the morning so I'll sign off for now. If anything I've written strikes a chord with you, the way you're post did with me, then please write me back. What I've read on this board has given me back hope, and I want to do the same for you. I can give you advice on medication, counselling, CBT, and some simple things you can do to cope.
Life2.0
(formerly J)
Posted by Er on February 27, 2002, at 8:34:19
In reply to Re: Please, please, please help me. First post » Er, posted by Life2.0 on February 27, 2002, at 0:23:01
> There's a ton of stuff I could tell you Er, because your story sounds so similar to mine. But I realize you must be suffering a lot and desparately need some sort of relief, so I'll do what I can for now. I'd just like to talk about your terrible secret that seems to be eating you from the inside out.
>
> You aren't the exception to every rule on earth.
> I know what it's like to have a sexual fantasy that you think is so shameful that anyone finding out would be the absolute worst thing that could possibly happen to you in this life. I know the feeling that comes after the desire overwhelms you, and afterwards you sit in front of your PC looking at the images that seemed so exciting and arousing minutes before, and wishing you could almost die just to escape the guilt and shame you're feeling right now. I've been through the almost unbreakable cycle of sex addiction; the broken promises; the endless oaths taken on your mother's grave that you will never, ever, do it again. And then one day, maybe in late adolesence, the violent images invade your mind. You can't stop it. You initially think you're going out of your mind. You suffer horribly for a few months, more dead than alive. Gradually you learn to cope, just barely. But they are still there, almost mocking you sometimes.
>
> Sound familiar? I hope it does because this is just a small part of a story that we both seem to share. And I'd like to give you hope that you will be cured one day.
>
> Am I cured? Nope. Do I suffer every day with depression and anxiety and obsessive thoughts and sex addiction? Yep. Do I ever think that death would be better that the constant pain? At least once a week. So why am I writing this? Because I've learnt a few things. I've learnt a lot about about brain chemistry - what chemical malfunctions cause particular disorders and what medications help to reduce the imbalances. I've also read some books on psychology, and I understand how shame and anger and guilt can turn into misdirected self-hatred. Thats what these obsessive thoughts and images are Er - your subconscious mind fighting for a way to let loose the pain that has built up. I'm guessing that you're someone that tends to bottle up their feelings and never show much emotion. You don't want to rage at anybody or anything, so you have to rage at yourself; you have to cause youself pain somehow.
>
> Anyway, I've got to get up early in the morning so I'll sign off for now. If anything I've written strikes a chord with you, the way you're post did with me, then please write me back. What I've read on this board has given me back hope, and I want to do the same for you. I can give you advice on medication, counselling, CBT, and some simple things you can do to cope.
>
> Life2.0
> (formerly J)Hmmm.....you're either in almost the exact same situation or are a very glib real-life Rogerian. In either case, you have in fact scored a ringer. Not an easy feat from my experience...actually, hard to believe, I'll have to read it again. But seriously...anyway, I am in a very positive mood today thus far. Somebody said something about "GAD" but I'm not familiar with the acronym so can't consider it. I'm very pleased with the number of responses I got, considering I could have made it much more entertaining. I'm at work this morning. I'm an illustrator, I design graphics and diagrams in a genetics research lab. Just in case you're writing a book...
Okay, I've come to the point where I realize I have nothing else important to say right now even though I wish I still did. I'll check in later, take care.
Posted by Life2.0 on February 28, 2002, at 2:17:46
In reply to Re: Please, please, please help me. First post, posted by Er on February 27, 2002, at 8:34:19
> Hmmm.....you're either in almost the exact same situation or are a very glib real-life Rogerian. In either case, you have in fact scored a ringer. Not an easy feat from my experience...actually, hard to believe, I'll have to read it again. But seriously...anyway, I am in a very positive mood today thus far. Somebody said something about "GAD" but I'm not familiar with the acronym so can't consider it. I'm very pleased with the number of responses I got, considering I could have made it much more entertaining. I'm at work this morning. I'm an illustrator, I design graphics and diagrams in a genetics research lab. Just in case you're writing a book...
> Okay, I've come to the point where I realize I have nothing else important to say right now even though I wish I still did. I'll check in later, take care.GAD = Generalized Anxiety Disorder. I haven't read much about it but it could be worth looking into. And no, I'm not a psychologist or writing a book. I'm a computer application developer. I've been lurking on PB for over a year now, just following the threads and watching people's stories unfold - unipolar depression, bipolar depression, manic depression, anxiety, social anxiety... But when I saw your post, I just had to respond and let you know that what you're going through is not really unique. Just knowing this is a big deal. There are probably thousands of people like us who go through the exact same thing; one day they may get around to giving it a name, if enough people ever find the courage to step up and tell their story, which of course is probably the hardest thing people like us can ever do.
I sounded like I'm doing really badly, but recently I've been doing a lot better. Tonight after work I went out to a bar with some friends and a girl I like, and just chilled out. Some people take this kind of experience for granted but for me it's special, because I could never do it before.
One last thing before I go - I'm really not surprised by what you do. You'll find that the people you will meet at PB are the some of the most creative and intelligent people you could ever hope to meet in life. Bitter, bitter irony. But that's for another post. Take care.
Life2.0 (trying to get there)
This is the end of the thread.
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