Posted by Else on August 3, 2001, at 10:13:46
In reply to I'm so sick of living like this, posted by Else on August 2, 2001, at 22:59:44
Thanks to all of you for responding. I am not considering suicide or anything. I don't think I would ever try this again. A lot (relatively speaking) is going on in my life right now and when I get stressed out I get really depressed. I have to get used to work, for one thing. I haven't worked in two years.
I know I lack purpose but I am so unmotivated even when I don't feel bad. Actually, I do have a long-term goal but it seems so unattainable. Just getting a university to take me back right now would be a major step in the right direction but I have screwed up so often in the past they wont give me another chance (all universities are public, and cheap, in Canada but they don't want to pay for a student who'll drop out in the middle of a semester and cost the system thousands of dollars for nothing, and this is what I have done several times.) Everytime I tried to go back to school, I got depressed at some point, became unable to work and concentrate and just gave up.
Perhaps I should have taken some sick time. I never take sick time for depression because I don't think anyone will believe me and think I am making this up. If I had taken some sick time I wouldn't be in the mess I am in. I probably need to see a social worker or something to help me work things out. Before I always used to feel there was this "ceiling" of success and happiness I could never rise beyond. That feeling had gone away but now it's coming back because of my lousy performance at work. I just have to weather this I suppose. Thanks to all of you.
> It's simple really. On antidepressants or anticonvulsants I don't fully realize how badly my life sucks. So I just deal with it in a relatively effective, albeit deeply bored way. When I am off, the horror strikes me. Right now I am on Wellbutrin but it's not a normal AD. Anyway. I don't want to numb myself to make my horrible life seem OK. So now what? When I am off, like right now, everything seems so hopeless. I don't want to be a zombie but I don't want to kill myself either. I don't know what to do. I just want to be myself and feel both alive and happy at the same time. Is this even possible? I'm so depressed. I feel like I did last year before I tried to kill myself. But things are OK. I get along great with my co-workers. I think I could even be friends with them and it is so hard for me to make friends but I can't do it. I'm too scared to be intrusive or something like that. It's all so f****d-up. Why do I bother? I just want to be happy but it's so hard.
poster:Else
thread:73202
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20010731/msgs/73304.html