Posted by sweetmarie on April 4, 2001, at 13:35:52
In reply to Re: treatment resistant depression » sweetmarie, posted by SLS on April 4, 2001, at 10:05:04
> Anna...
>
If I were writing the book, there would be a happy ending/beginning for both of us by the time you finish reading this
sentence.
>
> Did it work?Frankly, no. (Sadly) >
> Crap. I was hoping...
>
>
> > I don`t have bipolar - just good old severe unipolar depression (`double` to be precise - Dysthymia and major severe episode).
>
> Have you known an extended period of time in which you were not suffering an episode of major depression, but experienced unmistakable dysthymia?I have had periods when I haven`t even had Dysthymia (or at least, haven`t been depressed at all). My parents say that I was always a sad child, and I know this to be true. I can actually remember my first `brush` with depression, when I was 5 years old. I think that Mum and Dad considered taking me to a child psychologist a few times, but decided that it would `stigmatise` me (I also think that childhood depression wasn`t really recognised in the late 60s/early 70s). I was O.K. up until age 7, when we moved city, and then was pretty much depressed until I got to age 13, and was clear from then until I was about 18. Things went a bit wonky when I went away to college, but it wasn`t severe, and not constant. I first recognised it (the depression) for what it was when I was about 22 (I suppose I thought that everyone felt as I did), and when I started my first job, I went onto Dothiepin, which as I`m sure I`ve mentioned was 99% effective, for the first year I was on it (it was an extraordinary experience). From then until now (approx 11 years), I have had periods of being well, which seem to have nothing to do with any medication I`ve been on. For example, the 2nd half of 1993 was a complete nightmare (severe depression city), but myself and my (then) boyfriend went away for New Years (93/94), and I woke up on New Years Day feeling terrific, which lasted for about 4/5 months (with the odd `down` day). Then again, in 1995, I had about 6 months practically depression free. However, this went all arse about face in the October when I went into the slump I`m still in. I was working 10/11 hour days (commuting to London from where I lived - Cambridge), and doing 2 peoples` work as my boss was off sick, with depression (!). She`s fine now - responded to the 3rd anti-d she was given. I try very hard not to be resentful of this. I think that after 2 years of this (it was a good hour and a half both ways on the train), my brain just couldn`t take it. And the rest, as they say, is history. >
> > The new `regime` has the dosage of Lamictal as 250 mg, which I have now been on for about a week and a half. I was hoping that the Lamictal would be effective on it`s own, i.e. that I wouldn`t have to go onto the others.
>
> I've been there.Yeah? Bollocks isn`t it? >
> > I always think about and hope for such possibilities, regardless of my treatment-resistant history.
How long is that? Have you had `well` periods, unconnected with meds? >
> The brain is a "black-box". You put stuff in. You get something out. But you are not sure what exactly happens while it is in there. Hopefully, it is becoming more of a gray-box. It is difficult to guarantee how someone will react to any given drug, so it is reasonable to hope for such positive possibilities.
I think that - finally - I`ve been referred to where I should have been referred to years ago (this specialist geezer). What I`m hoping is that with this new (and more specific) diagnosis, the field will be narrowed and therefore the medication range can be narrowed, or at least be a bit more accurate. My current psychiatrist (who I really rate), was really quite out of her depth with me and for the past year or so, was kind of chucking meds together and hoping for the best. >
> This is a very moving description. I fell quiet when I read it. I could never have conveyed this experience as well.
Thanks. Writing is about the only thing I`m any good at. >
I become energetic, optimistic, positive, assertive, uninhibited, effective, engaging, and unabashedly vocal in public. I become impelled to know and understand everything. I know how difficult this is for my family. This is saddening for me to say, but they almost prefer me the other way. They never get a chance to learn about and accept the "new" (real) me before I disappear again.
I`m just the same. The `real` me is totally different to this shadow-type person I am at the moment. I`m dead lively, funny (so I`m told), good to be with etc. I`m none of these things when I`m ill. I even look crap - pale, black rings round my eyes, and the latest insult - the Nardil has put 3 stone on me, and I`ve gone up 4 dress sizes, with bugger-all change in my mood. >
> > The other spooky thing is that I have random good days (they are usually only days - maybe 2 days if I`m lucky), when something really awful has happened to me, e.g.
>
> Are you saying that you experience a rapid and significant improvement of your depressive state when you are faced with certain stressful situations?
>
> > about a year and a half ago my boyfriend finished with me, and I was really upset - upset, but NOT depressed.
>
> > This lasted only a short time, but it was thoroughly inappropriate (if you see what I mean).
>
> No, I don't. I am reluctant to ask you to describe the details, as it is personal and might be something that you would like to remain private.
>
> I guess what I am curious about is whether you consider this "inappropriateness" to be mania.
>
> It might not have been. I can understand how such a traumatic event can make an otherwise depressed person become activated because of extreme emotional distress and anxiety. Such might cause an exagerrated and continuous "fight or flight" state in your nervous system which includes the secretion of large amounts of adrenaline. This would not be mania.
>
> However, if the traumatic event did produce a true hypomanic mixed-state reaction where depression and mania occured at the same time, it is important that your doctors fully evaluate the possibility that you may have bipolar tendencies. If this is the case, it might help to explain your previous lack of success with the type of treatment that has been employed. You might need to focus a bit more on mood-stabilizers along with antideprssants.This episode was frankly a `hiding to nowhere` situation. Without going into too many details, he was also ill - depression with the added `bonuses` of paranoia and self-harming tendencies. A recipe for disaster, basically. You could be right - it could be about `rallying` in the face of adversity as a self-protective thing. F*** knows. I wasn`t high though - just `normal` (if you see what I mean). I do tend to get terribly excited when I feel better, and probably overdo things. I`ve never felt in any way `high` -more the way I know I`ve felt during my `well` periods. As for mood-stabilisers, I`ve been on Lithium (for about 10 months), I`m currently on Valproate (which I think is a mood stabiliser ?). Neither had any effect, positive or otherwise. >
>
> I am still confused. I don't know what was bizarre,What was bizarre, was my initial calm reaction to this devastating piece of news. I was staying with my parents at the time, and after coming off the phone, I calmly got into my car, drove around to the flat and trashed anything that was his, or had any connotations. I felt fine, having been severely depressed wall-to-wall up until that point, and it only lasted 3 days. That`s what`s odd.
but that's O.K. From my own experience, I know how being in love with someone who has decided to walk away can cause one to lose control and do some pretty desperate and embarrasing things. It is amazing how suddenly I gain enough energy to be an idiot.I`ve done that too - been there, done that and had the hang-over, as they say. >
> I am struggling to better understand what you have been experiencing. Don't pay too much attention to my guess-work. I just wanted to help sort things out.
It`s good of you to want to help. It`s severe depression, pure and simple (I`m almost 100% sure). The immobilising kind that makes every task (except rolling a cigarette, lighting it and smoking it), feel like scaling the Matterhorn. It`s a crock of shit - but then, you know that don`t you?
Are you bipolar? I`m sure you`ve said, but my memory is like a sieve. I have a success story about someone with bipolar (even if you`re not, it`s still an encouraging story). A friend who I met in hospital has had bipolar disorder for the last 12 years (or at least that was when it was diagnosed). After slogging on and on through different drug combinations, suicidal times etc, she finally hit on the `right` combination (her doctors did, rather). She`s been well for a year now - she still has to take shit-loads of medications every day, but she`s really well.
I try to think about her when I`m feeling terrible. It CAN happen, and I`m sure it will within our lifetime. Advances are being made all the time. This isn`t much use just now, I know, but ... it`s something I guess.
All good things,
Anna.
p.s. sorry this is so long.
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poster:sweetmarie
thread:55847
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20010403/msgs/58669.html