Posted by SLS on April 4, 2001, at 10:05:04
In reply to Re: treatment resistant depression » SLS, posted by sweetmarie on April 4, 2001, at 6:42:21
Anna...
It's like I'm looking in the mirror! My story reflects yours so closely. If I were writing the book, there would be a happy ending/beginning for both of us by the time you finish reading this sentence.
Did it work?
Crap. I was hoping...
> I don`t have bipolar - just good old severe unipolar depression (`double` to be precise - Dysthymia and major severe episode).Have you known an extended period of time in which you were not suffering an episode of major depression, but experienced unmistakable dysthymia?
> The new `regime` has the dosage of Lamictal as 250 mg, which I have now been on for about a week and a half. I was hoping that the Lamictal would be effective on it`s own, i.e. that I wouldn`t have to go onto the others.
I've been there.
> It sounds like clutching at straws I know, but I still thought it was a possibility. However, seems not.
I always think about and hope for such possibilities, regardless of my treatment-resistant history.
The brain is a "black-box". You put stuff in. You get something out. But you are not sure what exactly happens while it is in there. Hopefully, it is becoming more of a gray-box. It is difficult to guarantee how someone will react to any given drug, so it is reasonable to hope for such positive possibilities.
> I can certainly relate to the `meds working initially but bottoming out after a while` syndrome. I think that this is almost worse than them not working at all, as I never cease to think `this is it!
Me too. Exactly!
> `False dawns`, I call these times.
Wow. Perfect.
This is a very moving description. I fell quiet when I read it. I could never have conveyed this experience as well.
> I should learn, really, but it`s so hard to even imagine what it`s like to be depressed during these `well` phases.
This is exactly what I experience. It almost makes no sense that one should "forget" how depression feels after only a few days, or even a fraction of a day. Depression is an altered state of consciousness beyond imagination. Even during a brief "blip" of improvement, I forget how bad the depressed state is. I am convinced that should I lose the improvement, I will be strong enough to endure depression again. No.
> Over the past 3 years, this has happened to me twice - once with Nardil, and also with Tryptophan (about 3 weeks in both cases). I make plans, ring friends, buzz around all over the place in the car etc etc.
:-)
I can't help but to smile. I know this very well.
> The rest of my family are visibly over-joyed,
My family becomes happy, but they are also confused by who they are looking at. I become a person for which they need an introduction. They are unfamiliar with my personality. I become energetic, optimistic, positive, assertive, uninhibited, effective, engaging, and unabashedly vocal in public. I become impelled to know and understand everything. I know how difficult this is for my family. This is saddening for me to say, but they almost prefer me the other way. They never get a chance to learn about and accept the "new" (real) me before I disappear again.
> and then the bottom falls out.
I know what you mean.
> The other spooky thing is that I have random good days (they are usually only days - maybe 2 days if I`m lucky), when something really awful has happened to me, e.g.
Are you saying that you experience a rapid and significant improvement of your depressive state when you are faced with certain stressful situations?
> about a year and a half ago my boyfriend finished with me, and I was really upset - upset, but NOT depressed.
> This lasted only a short time, but it was thoroughly inappropriate (if you see what I mean).
No, I don't. I am reluctant to ask you to describe the details, as it is personal and might be something that you would like to remain private.
I guess what I am curious about is whether you consider this "inappropriateness" to be mania.
It might not have been. I can understand how such a traumatic event can make an otherwise depressed person become activated because of extreme emotional distress and anxiety. Such might cause an exagerrated and continuous "fight or flight" state in your nervous system which includes the secretion of large amounts of adrenaline. This would not be mania.
However, if the traumatic event did produce a true hypomanic mixed-state reaction where depression and mania occured at the same time, it is important that your doctors fully evaluate the possibility that you may have bipolar tendencies. If this is the case, it might help to explain your previous lack of success with the type of treatment that has been employed. You might need to focus a bit more on mood-stabilizers along with antideprssants.
I am not advocating one explanation over the other, if indeed any explanation is needed at all.
> It had nothing to do with relief or any psychological reason like that (I seriously thought he was the `one`), it`s just very bizarre indeed.
I am still confused. I don't know what was bizarre, but that's O.K. From my own experience, I know how being in love with someone who has decided to walk away can cause one to lose control and do some pretty desperate and embarrasing things. It is amazing how suddenly I gain enough energy to be an idiot.
I am struggling to better understand what you have been experiencing. Don't pay too much attention to my guess-work. I just wanted to help sort things out.
> Anyway, enough already. I just hope that one day I`ll be able to see my much neglected - but very loyal - friends again. I`ve had virtually no contact with them for 3+ years. I feel like I`ve been lying on (or in) my bed forever, just chainsmoking and wondering when `all this` will go away. Someday, I hope ... and hopefully before I`m too old to have kids (still, that`s about 6/7 years away).
Sigh... I know. I know.
> Enough! I`ll quit the moaning now.
O.K.
It's my turn now.
:-)
> Hope you`re O.K.
Thanks.
Ditto.
Sincerely,
Scott
poster:SLS
thread:55847
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20010403/msgs/58644.html