Posted by SLS on October 30, 2000, at 8:21:12
Dear John,
This is one of those times when I am at a loss for words. Somehow, just saying I'm sorry doesn't seem adequate.
I'm sorry.
There are a bunch of reasons why I behaved the way I did, very little having to do with you. For whatever exceptions I may have taken with your views and actions, I in no way approached any type of communication as an adult.
I have a great deal of work to do on myself. Unfortunately, I'm not sure how much of it I will able to accomplish without a significant improvement in my condition. I was tempted to go into more detail here, but it is not my way to share so much in a large forum. I think the best way to summarize it is as the following.
The onset of severe depression for me began at age 17. It came on paroxysmally as a biological event at about 1:12pm one afternoon as I sat in a pre-calculus class. The last thing I remember was looking up at the clock as I began to feel this thing happening. Then, everything went black. I *literally* saw black. I can still see that clock today. Within minutes - less than 15 - my state became as bad as is witnessed at much later ages. Dementia appeared by age 20, something not usually seen until this illness evolves later in life. It was clinically unusual, so I have been told.
I guess the main point is this: much of my emotional and psychological development ended at age 17. I will never lose fierceness. It is at the core of my nature. But I guess I manage it no better than a 22 year old. When I feel that someone is patronizing me, I go ballistic - not that that is what you were doing. I doubt this is the last time it will happen.
Oh well, I guess I said more than I had planned to. I'm not sure how much posting I will doing at this point.
In any event, I would welcome a correspondence from you if you should at some time be interested. In the meantime, I'm sorry.
With sincerity and respect,
Scott
poster:SLS
thread:47760
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20001022/msgs/47760.html