Posted by allisonm on April 21, 2000, at 20:53:49
In reply to I am soooooooooo sick of this, posted by allisonm on April 20, 2000, at 20:45:38
Thank you all for your empathy and for your input, good thoughts, and prayers, and for taking the time to write. Just reading and rereading your posts has helped me a lot today, and I am grateful to Dr. Bob for this place.
Maybe I should clarify a little on the drugs. My doctor first started me on Zoloft. Your points about knowing immediately whether a drug works ring true. I knew within about two days that I would not be able to tolerate Zoloft. We signed off the SSRIs.
Then I tried Effexor XR. Horrible. I fought the side effects for a longer period hoping they'd dissipate, but they didn't. I called my doctor in mid-week to say I couldn't stand it anymore. I thought my heart was going to pound right out of my chest. I felt as though I was on a rollercoaster going down an absolutely vertical hill -- all day long.
So Remeron came next. Bingo. After having bad insomnia for months, I could finally sleep. Just being able to sleep helped. Over time, I realized I was able to focus more on work -- another result I attribute to the Remeron. I seem to be able to tell right away if a drug is really wrong. It takes me longer to tell if it's helping. Or maybe I've never found one that really helped.
Then I seem to hit plateaus, then start sliding backward. That's why the lithium was added. I hated lithium because it gave me the runs. But after switching to another form, I put up with it. It seemed to help, but it was gradual. Things got so good last spring and my doctor knew how much I hated the lithium that he let me off of it.
It didn't take long before I was in a hole again. Enter Wellbutrin, which gradually helped get me on an even keel over the summer. Last fall when the dose was upped from 100 to 200 I had asked for him to do something. I'd fallen backwards again. I couldn't stand the way I felt. I was wishing and praying myself dead nightly. The 200 mg helped. There were side effects. Tremor, racing mind, irritability. I stuck it out because I was very afraid that if I stopped I would go back to where I was in October and I knew I would not survive that.
Yesterday, my doctor was the one who brought it up. He was the one to see things weren't good. He caught it before I had gotten to the point of wishing/praying for death, for which I guess I am grateful. He was the one who suggested upping the Wellbutrin to 300. I like the Wellbutrin in some ways. Sometimes I feel stupid and that my short-term memory is lacking, but other times I have felt mentally sharper. I also have lost weight. With all I read about weight gain, I am quite afraid of changing meds. I am overweight. I don't think I could stand to become obese.
Yes, bob, we have been peeling away at the onion a lot lately. In fact, my doctor has referred to it in just this way. There have been some realizations recently that have been hard to take.
I have a friend who found that Celexa fixed everything -- just like that. He's weaned himself off it now, and I'm glad to know he's doing very well. I guess what I'm noticing is that for me no drug has ever brought me all the way out of the hole, but they have at least put a floor under my feet -- for awhile. Then I need more. Am I developing a greater tolerance? Is this what others refer to as poop-out? Is it even working enough to even poop out? Adjustments seem to be necessary every 4-6 months. Sometimes less. It appears obvious that Remeron alone will not do the trick.
My doctor is very aware how reluctant and wary I am to take any drug in the first place. I think this probably accounts for at least some of his conservatism. He also knows how reluctant I was just to see him. It was a desperate last resort. If I stop seeing him I will not see another. It has taken more than 100 hours for my doctor and me to get to where we are. I have too much invested. He knows me and more about me than any person on this earth. I cannot go through this again with another person. He has made some very good observations. Often I think he has helped more than the drugs have.
This winter there were times when I wondered whether the drugs were working at all. I was seriously considering just stopping them, giving up, stopping my psychotherapy, just letting nature take its course. If that meant eventual suicide, so be it. Maybe this is as it should be. Maybe I shouldn't be fooling with chemistry. Maybe I don't belong in this gene pool. But I will suspend this train of thought for now. For now I will take on the belief from those of you who insist that life does not have to suck.
I usually see my doctor on Thursdays. Next week, however, I see him on Tuesday. I usually don't bring up the medications when we meet. He usually is the one to ask me. I guess I have become ambivalent in this area. As I said, I hate taking drugs. This time, however, I will take your good advice and ask him whether there isn't some other drug or combination I can try that will get me out of the hole further. It appears that I am not the only one to be questioning their efficacy now. I will let you know what happens.
I'm sorry for being so long-winded and probably redundant. Thank you all again, very much.
Warm regards,
allison
poster:allisonm
thread:30771
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20000420/msgs/30905.html