Posted by juniper on March 2, 2000, at 1:31:26
In reply to Re: Vacillating, posted by JanetR on March 1, 2000, at 20:42:23
Vesper-----
i dallied on this board for about a month, but my job keeps me away from computers for large chunks of time (outward bound instructor--i trampse around the woods with juvenile delinquents) and i've just returned and have been following your (and others) postings.
i know the hospital feelings. when i was in high-school i was depressed and anorexic and suicidal and my doctor insisted i go into the hospital. somehow, this little 70 pound girl dense with despair convinced her parents not to hospitalize her. (why is it at times like these that people finally listen to me?) my doctor even called my school and explained that i was an insurance risk and thus i spent the last 4 months of my junior year at home, too sick and too proud to supposedly take time out from my "life" to make a true one. but part of me wished that someone would just stand up to me and tell me i had no choice, that i was going to be admitted. i clung to last specks of the delusional freedom i had, but wanted so much for someone to call my bluff--to poke me and tell me that it was all an illusion. i wanted to surrender and be cared for, but this also scared the hell out of me.
eventually, a year later, i was hospitalized.
feelings of vacillation are normal--part of you wants to hang on to the only coping mechanism (against the loudness and sharpness of everyday life?)you know while part of you longs for the surrender that may help give you the strength to fight for the the little pieces that you know can be so wonderful, if only.....(like reading, or laying on your bed listening to music).like others on this board, i'll be praying for you and directing some positive energy your way. please do keep us updated, and take care of yourself.
peace,
juniper
poster:juniper
thread:25020
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20000220/msgs/25385.html