Posted by Racer on July 17, 2003, at 1:48:29
In reply to Re: Musings -- please, no more police!, posted by abby on July 17, 2003, at 1:11:44
That's why they didn't hospitalize me when I first went there: what could they do in a hospital? Only thing they could do there was warehouse me. Medications? They certainly couldn't justify keeping me there long enough to find a medication that could fix me. Therapy? You're joking, right? Last time around, I saw a doctor for exactly as long as it took to say, "Well, I was despondent..." and him to say, "OK, you can go home now." That was the extent of the 'therapy' while I was there. On top of that, during the two days I was in that hospital, I didn't eat -- and no one even noticed! The doctor this time at EPS sent me home after I told him that last part, about not eating. I'm pretty sure it's because he knew that no one would notice this time, either, if they did lock me up.
I know, you do want to help. If any of this was fixable, or if our current system of healthcare were reasonable, maybe there would be some help in hospitalization. If there were any sort of coordination of services, so that they could set up some sort of therapy outside when I stabilized, maybe then there'd be a point to it. Instead, we've got scattered agencies trying to bail out the ocean with teaspoons.
Maybe I wish I could find something to look forward to, to live for, since I don't seem to have it in me to end this hell. Right now, though, I just can't find it. It's taking too much energy to get through the days, and I want nothing except to sleep -- and not to dream. Have to go to a doctor tomorrow, since my late lover may have left me something unpleasant to remember him by, which at least keeps me from having to deal with my husband now wanting to prove that we can have a sex life. I don't know if we can get past that, and I don't have any other options since I'm not earning any money. 500 a year, and a room of one's own. Maybe that really is all it would take.
At any rate, I am alive -- for whatever that's worth -- even if nothing else is better.
poster:Racer
thread:242748
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/2000/20030702/msgs/242775.html