Posted by Noa on September 29, 1999, at 22:26:10
In reply to Re: Suicide-Rude Awakening, posted by elle on September 29, 1999, at 21:41:02
Impulsive thoughts of suicide have been visitors to me in times of major depression. When in the worst kind of pain, I have spent a lot of time grappling with the urge to escape it all, but have always felt I wouldn't do anything because of guilt about the effects on family and others. This summer, I hit a new low, when I began to do mental manipulations to try to figure out a way to somehow convince those people that my suicide would be the right decision, and for them not to feel bad. This all remained in my head. My lowest point was when I realized I wasn't feeling impulsive suicidal thoughts, but the feeling of wanting to plan it out just right, to wait until the right moment, when I had it all "figured out". I even felt like keeping it a secret from my therapist, which had not been the case before (all previous times when I had suicidal feelings and thoughts, I told him/of course I also was fairly sure I would never act on those impulsive thoughts). But this time, I felt a certain kind of determination to plan it out, keep it to myself and choose exactly the right time to carry it out. What happened was that in my therapy session, I realized I couldn't lie to my therapist. I felt conflicted through much of the session and finally told him, which was a good thing. The extra structure he provided by making me agree to a safety contract helped. I needed the structure from outside myself, because obviously my thinking had become distorted. It was actually easy to comply, like putting myself on autopilot. I basically stopped letting myself think about suicide at all, like following orders. It was kind of wierd, but it worked until my medication kicked in. All of this wasn't too long ago, just before I joined this board.
I can't say I am totally convinced I feel my life is worth the effort at this point, but I am willing to suspend judgement. In the meantime, I have been feeling increasingly better, and guess what, when you stop being very depressed, you keep busy with stuff and fill your head with other things besides those awful existential questions about whether life has meaning or is worth living, etc. And, I noticed that I was able to ask a friend to keep me company the other day, cause I knew if I spent too much time alone, I would get depressed again. That is something I could not have done while in my state of despair.
For those who have lost someone to suicide, I guess my thoughts are that you can do a lot , but not everything. A suicidal person can get really good at keeping others out of the loop. I think it is part of the syndrome, to be able to decieve the people who might be able to help. In hindsight the survivors can see so many signs and signals and clues, but that is hindsight. Those signs and signals only have the meaning they have after the fact, when you are able to put the puzzle together. While it is happening, they are usually perceived as random and meaningless. The important signals, the suicidal person has learned to keep hidden.
I also think that for someone who has been suicidal before, the onset of serious suicidal intentions can come on extremely suddenly without warning. They might Never experience suicidal thoughts again for the rest of their life, or they might all of a sudden be possessed with them. I don't know if it is some sort of disinhibition thing that makes us vulnerable this way. But it is almost impossible to tell if this will happen and to whom.Don't know if my thoughts make sense to y'all, but thanks for being there for me to share them.
Noa
poster:Noa
thread:12211
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/19991001/msgs/12278.html