Posted by Ruth on August 23, 1999, at 21:43:36
In reply to Depression and Work, posted by yardena on August 22, 1999, at 20:02:38
I'm so glad you opened up this discussion. It has gotten me thinking. When I first got sick 3 years ago I was (or had been) functioning well in a high responsibility, high stress position. But as the depression took hold it started taking me twice as long to do half as much. Finally I took a leave of absence for 3 months during which time I had multiple med trials and ended up hospitalized. When I left I gave no explanation to anyone (except to my immediate supervisor) and when I returned I told my staff only that I had been ill. I continued to have trouble functioning and subsequently took another leave. Without going into all of what happened there are two things I wanted to share.
The first is that after the fact one of my staff members said to me that what was hard for her was knowing that there was clearly something very wrong, but because I wasn't talking about it she didn't know how to be supportive or express her concern. (I'm a social worker). I realize now that in not saying anything I robbed myself of support that might have helped me.
The second thing is that I believe part of my decision not to say anything came from my own shame at being ill and my not accepting that it is a biological illness (ironic given that I'm in the field). And so I felt that it was something that would negatively effect how people saw me.
So what will I do when I return to work? I'm honestly not sure. I do think if the depression begins to get out of hand I would say something. Because when the depression is bad it is apparent to others that something is wrong so perhaps it is better to acknowledge it rather than having others just see things deteriorating. I think I would likely just share it with a supervisor and let that person know of my apprehension in sharing it.
I'm anxious to hear other people's thoughts.
> I am curious to know how people have dealt with their jobs while struggling with depression.
>
> In a previous job, I never disclosed my struggles with depression to my supervisors, but did disclose to a couple of trusted coworkers. One supervisor definitely suspected that one prolonged absence, which I reported was due to a physical ailment, was due to depression (it was), and she tried to coax a "confession" out of me. Since I was never asked to submit a doctor's note, I decided I wanted to keep the reason for my absence to myself. I am glad I did, because, for completely unrelated reasons, my relationship with my employer became adversarial (I blew the whistle about something and was promptly fired). If I had disclosed my depression, it would probably be used against me in legal procedings.
>
> Despite this experience, I surprised myself by making the decision the other day to disclose my depression to my immediate supervisor in my new job. Seems risky for someone who just started a new job and was pretty much screwed by my last employer. Why did I talk to her openly?
>
> Well, for one thing, I was supposed to have taken a vacation, but postponed it repeatedly and finally canceled it altogether, because I just couldn't manage it while depressed. She and others were concerned about me not taking my vacation. During recent weeks, I had taken dribs and drabs of time off, due to coming in late when I couldn't get myself out of bed, or going home early because my stamina was limited, or calling in sick altogether. This was passable conduct, because I was not on a rigid schedule over the summer anyway. But, I was concerned somewhat about the inconsistency. At the beginning of the summer, we had all indicated our intended work schedules and even though it is not rigidly held to, I was concerned about not keeping to my intended schedule and how this is perceived by others. I had put off going on my vacation because I was too depressed to manage it. I thought I might take it later in the summer, but in the end decided I wouldn't enjoy it much and it was all too overwhelming for me to make it happen. Anyway, by the time I started to feel a little better, I realized I wanted to work everyday because I feel better at work. This has always been the case for me. Somehow, at work, I am able to emerge from the confinement of depression. When my depression begins to invade my work space, as it did at one point this summer, I know I am in trouble. There was a point this summer when this happened. I cried several times at work, was unable to focus, became obsessed with something insignificant that I had to do at home, etc. That was a signal that I was in bad shape. Because, even though my depression often impacts my ability to get myself to work, once I am there, it usually gets checked at the door. If it comes into the building with me, that is a danger signal.
>
> I also was feeling concerned about the fact that a project I was working on was taking longer than it should, because of how hard it was for me to focus, and because I had gotten bogged down in too many details. And I was concerned about how I was perceived, as a new employee, because of my inconsistency and all of my "illnesses".
>
> I sensed I would be able to trust my supervisor, and at this point, continue to believe I was correct. She was extremely supportive and disclosed that her father has bipolar illness and that she knows what a struggle depression can be. I wanted her to know, I think, because I wanted support, and I hate lying. She told me she perceives me as conscientious, and that my inconsistent work schedule had not really been an issue.
>
> I hope my instinct about her trustworthiness is accurate, because I sense that in most cases, it is not really safe to disclose one's depressive illness to one's boss.
>
> I don't see my disclosure to her as license to be excused from my responsibilities. I still need to improve my ability to get to work on time and to limit my absences. In terms of the quality of my work, I am not worried because somehow I have always managed to do a good enough job despite depression related absences, etc.
>
> How have other people managed employment issues while struggling with depression?
poster:Ruth
thread:10514
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/19990914/msgs/10594.html