Posted by yardena on August 22, 1999, at 20:02:38
I am curious to know how people have dealt with their jobs while struggling with depression.
In a previous job, I never disclosed my struggles with depression to my supervisors, but did disclose to a couple of trusted coworkers. One supervisor definitely suspected that one prolonged absence, which I reported was due to a physical ailment, was due to depression (it was), and she tried to coax a "confession" out of me. Since I was never asked to submit a doctor's note, I decided I wanted to keep the reason for my absence to myself. I am glad I did, because, for completely unrelated reasons, my relationship with my employer became adversarial (I blew the whistle about something and was promptly fired). If I had disclosed my depression, it would probably be used against me in legal procedings.
Despite this experience, I surprised myself by making the decision the other day to disclose my depression to my immediate supervisor in my new job. Seems risky for someone who just started a new job and was pretty much screwed by my last employer. Why did I talk to her openly?
Well, for one thing, I was supposed to have taken a vacation, but postponed it repeatedly and finally canceled it altogether, because I just couldn't manage it while depressed. She and others were concerned about me not taking my vacation. During recent weeks, I had taken dribs and drabs of time off, due to coming in late when I couldn't get myself out of bed, or going home early because my stamina was limited, or calling in sick altogether. This was passable conduct, because I was not on a rigid schedule over the summer anyway. But, I was concerned somewhat about the inconsistency. At the beginning of the summer, we had all indicated our intended work schedules and even though it is not rigidly held to, I was concerned about not keeping to my intended schedule and how this is perceived by others. I had put off going on my vacation because I was too depressed to manage it. I thought I might take it later in the summer, but in the end decided I wouldn't enjoy it much and it was all too overwhelming for me to make it happen. Anyway, by the time I started to feel a little better, I realized I wanted to work everyday because I feel better at work. This has always been the case for me. Somehow, at work, I am able to emerge from the confinement of depression. When my depression begins to invade my work space, as it did at one point this summer, I know I am in trouble. There was a point this summer when this happened. I cried several times at work, was unable to focus, became obsessed with something insignificant that I had to do at home, etc. That was a signal that I was in bad shape. Because, even though my depression often impacts my ability to get myself to work, once I am there, it usually gets checked at the door. If it comes into the building with me, that is a danger signal.
I also was feeling concerned about the fact that a project I was working on was taking longer than it should, because of how hard it was for me to focus, and because I had gotten bogged down in too many details. And I was concerned about how I was perceived, as a new employee, because of my inconsistency and all of my "illnesses".
I sensed I would be able to trust my supervisor, and at this point, continue to believe I was correct. She was extremely supportive and disclosed that her father has bipolar illness and that she knows what a struggle depression can be. I wanted her to know, I think, because I wanted support, and I hate lying. She told me she perceives me as conscientious, and that my inconsistent work schedule had not really been an issue.
I hope my instinct about her trustworthiness is accurate, because I sense that in most cases, it is not really safe to disclose one's depressive illness to one's boss.
I don't see my disclosure to her as license to be excused from my responsibilities. I still need to improve my ability to get to work on time and to limit my absences. In terms of the quality of my work, I am not worried because somehow I have always managed to do a good enough job despite depression related absences, etc.
How have other people managed employment issues while struggling with depression?
poster:yardena
thread:10514
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/19990914/msgs/10514.html