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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
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Posted by stargazer2 on October 20, 2007, at 0:38:10
In reply to Re: Why not end it? » Wonderment, posted by Maxime on October 19, 2007, at 22:17:29
Maxime. I hear your pain. I have been where you are and haven't found relief in a very long time. It is almost becoming obvious that there is no medication that will help me. I am continuing to try things, but that is only because I am not suicidal today, but things change so quickly and there are only so many things you can try before giving up. It is so hard to keep trying and failing. That gets to be too much over the years I have been trying to win this battle only to get knocked down over and over again.
I wish you well and hope you can find a reason to keep trying like me (for this week) but I understand why you feel like you do. No one wants anyone to give up but when your efforts are not ever rewarded, its hard to keep any hope alive. My most recent period of "normalcy" lasted about 3-4 weeks and just ended. I saw some hope get quickly dashed, all my dreams for normalcy were erased overnight. I can't continue this life if that is all I can hope for, to be up briefly, just to crash again.
I hope you find relief soon too.
Stargazer
Posted by beachbum on October 20, 2007, at 8:59:19
In reply to Re: Why not end it?, posted by Maxime on October 20, 2007, at 0:38:10
well I'm glad you posted :]
I understand... I spent many yrs being angry at God and depending on how I'm doing still do sometimes. Haven't read or prayed for around 6 weeks when I thought I had 'grown' enough in my faith not to do that when feeling bad. The last few weeks I'm wandering if He's even there as much as I hate to admit it. Hate this time of year too. :]
Like you I've also prayed to just not wake up... I can't do suicide and don't see things getting any better. Have a few good months most days in summer but that's about it. When I'm loosing hope like this week again thoughts of 'it' still cross my mind. It's so hard some days to keep going esp. when on the outside people don't see anything wrong. I've become 'so good' at 'behaving' as though I'm fine when out or working, but as you know it's exhausting.
thanks for listening, feeling big need today for some friends here. [[hug]] Not doing to well at 'being good' today
Lora
Posted by Phillipa on October 20, 2007, at 12:40:12
In reply to Re: Why not end it?, posted by beachbum on October 20, 2007, at 8:59:19
We have to keep trying but there are too few professionals that are good and will listen and really search for us. I e-mail with a drug rep and it's appalling that they are teaching the docs. Maxime you can do it. I know you can. Phillipa
Posted by Maxime on October 20, 2007, at 17:13:50
In reply to Re: Why not end it?, posted by stargazer2 on October 20, 2007, at 0:38:10
You articulated how I feel much better than I did.
I am sorry you are going through the same thing.
xxx
Maxime
> Maxime. I hear your pain. I have been where you are and haven't found relief in a very long time. It is almost becoming obvious that there is no medication that will help me. I am continuing to try things, but that is only because I am not suicidal today, but things change so quickly and there are only so many things you can try before giving up. It is so hard to keep trying and failing. That gets to be too much over the years I have been trying to win this battle only to get knocked down over and over again.
>
> I wish you well and hope you can find a reason to keep trying like me (for this week) but I understand why you feel like you do. No one wants anyone to give up but when your efforts are not ever rewarded, its hard to keep any hope alive. My most recent period of "normalcy" lasted about 3-4 weeks and just ended. I saw some hope get quickly dashed, all my dreams for normalcy were erased overnight. I can't continue this life if that is all I can hope for, to be up briefly, just to crash again.
>
> I hope you find relief soon too.
>
> Stargazer
Posted by Poet on October 20, 2007, at 19:25:53
In reply to Why not end it?, posted by Maxime on October 20, 2007, at 0:36:21
Hi Maxime,
I question will I be rewarded with what I need/want if I stay alive and keep fighting or do I put my hope in that whatever comes after this life will be better? That's what keeps me bouncing between the rock and hard place that makes up the life of Poet.
Is there any small thing you could change about your life that might make things a little easier to bear? Something to make you hate work less? Something that takes you mentally away from this time of year?
Take care.
Poet
Posted by kaleidoscope on October 21, 2007, at 6:23:56
In reply to Why not end it?, posted by Maxime on October 20, 2007, at 0:36:21
Oh Maxie,
It's terrible to hear you sounding so bad. I wish I could do something to help you. What are you doing at work at the moment?
Dimples Ed
Posted by stargazer2 on October 21, 2007, at 10:22:36
In reply to Re: Why not end it? » Maxime, posted by kaleidoscope on October 21, 2007, at 6:23:56
Maxime...too bad your post was redirected, it really doesn't belong here but you are getting some good suggestions so you have been followed to Social by some good people.
I just heard the other day people who swear at work feel better, so you may have to resort to this...Just keep it low keyed if you need to keep your job..
My attitude has improved somewhat but I still know that I will have major ups and downs throughout my life. It's just knowing how to deal with them when they come. The suicial stuff is the worse.
Take care and hope you can sustain yourself through this difficult time. PB can help because so many of us know the feelings you have. It's just believing life is better than the alternative (even if it's such a tiny possibility) but when you're in the pits, that's impossible to believe.
Any better today? Do meds help at all? I once took Seroquel 100 and it eradicated the suicidal thoughts. I believe there's always a med that can
minimize those thoughts, it's not easily found but they do exist. Are there any they can help you? What does your pdoc say will help, any thing?Stargazer
Posted by Maxime on October 22, 2007, at 18:56:09
In reply to Re: Why not end it? » Maxime, posted by kaleidoscope on October 21, 2007, at 6:23:56
> Oh Maxie,
>
> It's terrible to hear you sounding so bad. I wish I could do something to help you. What are you doing at work at the moment?
>
> Dimples Ed(((Dimples)))
Funny you should ask. I got a note from my pdoc to take a leave of absence. I gave the note in today ... I think my last day is Friday.
Still very suicidal. :(
Maxie
Posted by Maxime on October 22, 2007, at 19:00:30
In reply to Hardly a social issue, but where else to put..., posted by stargazer2 on October 21, 2007, at 10:22:36
I know ... Social seems a strange place for this thread.
Thanks for your words of hope.
No med beats depression out of me. My pdoc just says I have to keep trying and not lose hope. But when there are no meds left to try and you have had years of therapy and you are STILL depressed and suicidal ... where's the hope?
Maxime
Posted by Fivefires on October 22, 2007, at 22:42:03
In reply to Why not end it?, posted by Maxime on October 20, 2007, at 0:36:21
Hi Maxine.
I too have been having these thoughts, too much lately; scares me.
Made an emerg pdoc appt. Probably start back on my old standby AD.
I'm just so damn lonely .. like a piece of a puzzle, but belonging to no puzzle. Not very poetic.
I don't know where my lack of lust for life has gone; miss it so much. This search is just exhausting.
5f
Posted by Phillipa on October 22, 2007, at 23:48:07
In reply to Re: Why not end it?, posted by Fivefires on October 22, 2007, at 22:42:03
Everybody read the threads on deplin or google it. Was a supplement now prescription only to boost antidepressants dopamine, serotonin and norepenephrine. I like the third google site on Deplin third one down. Official site. Phillipa
Posted by aminos4me on October 23, 2007, at 5:02:34
In reply to Re: Because there is a new med that boosts antidep, posted by Phillipa on October 22, 2007, at 23:48:07
As long as u keep looking for drugs to fix the problem u are going to find yourself suicidal.
The drugs arent going to do much if u are so concentrated on not wanting to live.
You cant help someone who doesnt want to be helped.
Medication is only 1/4 of the picture.
Sorry to be blunt but there is no med that is going to fix you. Ide stop depending on external things to fix ur condition and maybe start analyzing what it is in yourself that keeps u from getting better.
The human body is very good at healing itself. The mind is no different. Give it what it needs and be patient. Your not the only one suffering on this planet. Do what the rest of us have done and depend on yourself. No one else is going to save you.
Posted by Fivefires on October 23, 2007, at 13:35:27
In reply to Re: Because there is a new med that boosts antidep, posted by aminos4me on October 23, 2007, at 5:02:34
Perfect timing for a very good post.
Last night I was reminded that I've done some very good things in my life. Problem is, I've lost sight of this in myself.
My best support person said, if you don't feel it or know it, TRUST ME, because I know it.
She wasn't shining me on. She was being honest. That's right, I remembered. I was valuable and brought happiness to others.
I've been thinking about this all morning.
Bless her heart for offering me TO TRUST HER IN THIS until my mind can again see my own worthiness. I've lost sight of raising children, working hard to bring home a paycheck, caring for elders, nice things I've done for people; the good person that was me and still is me.
For so long I've been sad, my life and health shaken, and so I've looked to others to tell me I'm good, which often backfires; or meds, which some we need, but we also need to allow our hearts to fill up w/ love for ourselves again.
The memories are here somewhere in me; now to slowly get them back to the forefront of my being; this knowledge of my worthiness, the precursor to regaining positive self-esteem once again.
Maybe all of us should trust my support person (I'll share!), or do you guys have someone like this? We can get so caught up in the search for meds we forget 'the really good and valuable people we are'. I do.
We've all been thought a lot together. I'm so glad you've joined us aminos4me.
sincerely, 5f
Posted by Maxime on October 23, 2007, at 18:54:28
In reply to Re: Why not end it?, posted by Fivefires on October 22, 2007, at 22:42:03
I like your puzzle analogy. :)
Maxime
> Hi Maxine.
>
> I too have been having these thoughts, too much lately; scares me.
>
> Made an emerg pdoc appt. Probably start back on my old standby AD.
>
> I'm just so damn lonely .. like a piece of a puzzle, but belonging to no puzzle. Not very poetic.
>
> I don't know where my lack of lust for life has gone; miss it so much. This search is just exhausting.
>
> 5f
Posted by Maxime on October 23, 2007, at 18:59:29
In reply to Re: Because there is a new med that boosts antidep, posted by aminos4me on October 23, 2007, at 5:02:34
I know I am not the only one suffering on this planet, thank you very much!
And I don't depend on meds to fix me because I don't respond to meds.
Maxime
> As long as u keep looking for drugs to fix the problem u are going to find yourself suicidal.
> The drugs arent going to do much if u are so concentrated on not wanting to live.
> You cant help someone who doesnt want to be helped.
> Medication is only 1/4 of the picture.
> Sorry to be blunt but there is no med that is going to fix you. Ide stop depending on external things to fix ur condition and maybe start analyzing what it is in yourself that keeps u from getting better.
> The human body is very good at healing itself. The mind is no different. Give it what it needs and be patient. Your not the only one suffering on this planet. Do what the rest of us have done and depend on yourself. No one else is going to save you.
Posted by Sigismund on October 23, 2007, at 19:52:09
In reply to You are rude! » aminos4me, posted by Maxime on October 23, 2007, at 18:59:29
I don't want to step into anything here, but this gives me a chance to reflect on the ambiguous nature of hope to which I think you once referred, Maxi, when you asked something along the lines of whether hope was a burden or not, and whether it was easier to live without (tenuous) hope.
>Do what the rest of us have done and depend on yourself. No one else is going to save you.
I had a bad day the other day when suicide and I entertained each other.
I found myself thinking 'yes, it would be easy enough, I can imagine doing it, not so difficult'.
And at that time the idea came to me that there was no one who could or would help me.Well, it would be nice to have something intelligent to say about this hope business.
All I can think of is that there is hope that things will get better in the future, and there can be a feeling that things are OK in the present, and both can be covered by the word 'hope' (I think).
Posted by Sigismund on October 23, 2007, at 19:53:47
In reply to Rudeness, Hope, and Failure of Thought » Maxime, posted by Sigismund on October 23, 2007, at 19:52:09
>And at that time the idea came to me that there was no one who could or would help me.
I didn't mean with suicide, just to be clear.
Posted by Deputy Racer on October 23, 2007, at 20:28:25
In reply to Re: Because there is a new med that boosts antidep, posted by aminos4me on October 23, 2007, at 5:02:34
>
> The drugs arent going to do much if u are so concentrated on not wanting to live.
> You cant help someone who doesnt want to be helped.
> Ide stop depending on external things to fix ur condition and maybe start analyzing what it is in yourself that keeps u from getting better.
> Your not the only one suffering on this planet. Do what the rest of us have done and depend on yourself. No one else is going to save you.Please don't post anything which could lead others to feel accused or put down.
If you have any questions regarding the posting policies on this site, please read the FAQ, located at http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/faq.html#civil Follow ups to this action should be directed to the Administration board and should themselves be civil.
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Deputy Racer
Posted by Phillipa on October 23, 2007, at 21:24:38
In reply to Please be civil » aminos4me, posted by Deputy Racer on October 23, 2007, at 20:28:25
You know I was surprised a few months ago at my pdocs she knew I was low. She said she really did that no one can stop someone from doing the ultimate and my therapist said the same thing recently. Wonder if age has anything to do with it as I'm a burden on the medical system. I've thought about that a lot. Phillipa
Posted by Deputy Racer on October 24, 2007, at 0:19:53
In reply to You are rude! » aminos4me, posted by Maxime on October 23, 2007, at 18:59:29
Please use the Notify Administrators button at the bottom of each post when you come across something you find uncivil. Posting in reply is OK, but only if you can avoid being uncivil yourself, including characterizing other posters as "rude," no matter what they've written.
If you have any questions regarding the posting policies on this site, please read the FAQ, located at http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/faq.html#civil
Thank you.
Posted by aminos4me on October 24, 2007, at 2:14:44
In reply to Please use the notification system » Maxime, posted by Deputy Racer on October 24, 2007, at 0:19:53
I thank you all for your interesting reactions. I take nothing i said back and still stand by it firmly. Even today as i crave my drug of choice and flirt with blood loss. No ones else is going to walk in that door, clean up the mess ive made and carry me to safety.
I instead will clean the mess and close the wounds. My mood today so opposite to that of yesterdays when i made the post. Still i take nothing back.
Thats all ill say on this issue.
Enjoy exchangeing ideas.
Posted by Maxime on October 24, 2007, at 20:16:27
In reply to Please use the notification system » Maxime, posted by Deputy Racer on October 24, 2007, at 0:19:53
Posted by Maxime on October 24, 2007, at 20:18:38
In reply to Ok!, posted by aminos4me on October 24, 2007, at 2:14:44
I've picked myself up MANY times in my lifetime, but eventually a person can only take so much. Is asking for peace too much? All I want is to be at peace. Death seems like the best choice.
Maxime
> I thank you all for your interesting reactions. I take nothing i said back and still stand by it firmly. Even today as i crave my drug of choice and flirt with blood loss. No ones else is going to walk in that door, clean up the mess ive made and carry me to safety.
>
> I instead will clean the mess and close the wounds. My mood today so opposite to that of yesterdays when i made the post. Still i take nothing back.
>
> Thats all ill say on this issue.
> Enjoy exchangeing ideas.
Posted by Dr. Bob on October 27, 2007, at 12:23:38
In reply to I will. Thank you. (nm) » Deputy Racer, posted by Maxime on October 24, 2007, at 20:16:27
Posted by finelinebob on November 3, 2007, at 20:02:30
In reply to Re: Ok! » aminos4me, posted by Maxime on October 24, 2007, at 20:18:38
> I've picked myself up MANY times in my lifetime, but eventually a person can only take so much. Is asking for peace too much? All I want is to be at peace. Death seems like the best choice.
I'd be a hypocrite if I said I disagreed with what you're saying here.
That being said, there are different types of peace and different routes to them. This may not get you there, onto one of those other paths, but these two trite little sayings taken with a heavy dose of sarcasm can laugh you back to a place where you can take a first step down a different road:
1) When things can't possibly get any worse, they get better.
2) I, {state your name}, have a Cheerful and Sunny disposition!That last bit I thought up in grad school trying to do my dissertation. I created the Blow Sunshine Up Your Butt Committee and announced its Campaign Against Negativity Everywhere 'Round (CANCER). That was the oath you had to successfully swear to in order to join the campaign.
I also have recognized that my opinion of myself often contradicts that of most or all of my friends, particularly when I feel I can't go on. I tend to give them the benefit of the doubt now since (1) there's more of them thinking about me than me and (2) when I'm feeling down I'm usually not the best person to ask about what I should do with the rest of my life.
At least you're being open here and letting people who know you (well or not) let you know your value. That's a start.
flb
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