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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 21 of 21. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by AdaGrace on October 17, 2005, at 19:05:20
The month that my mom died.
7 years ago Saturday, Oct. 15th.The month of the birthday of the person I love, and can't seem to get over.
41 yrs old October 5th.The month that I lost the one I love.
Last year Oct. 29thThe month of the episode of drunken one night stand, that bordered on rape, that I push back into the back of my mind and lock the door on.
Last year Oct. 30thThe month that I lost my mind. Last year, 2004
The month that I have been given a few brief moments of hope, but nothing more. This year, a week ago.
The month that that ray of hope was squelched. This year, last saturday, when a hello wasn't even worth his time.
The month that someone else told me I wasn't worthy of his time. This year, last saturday, when I was once again erased from existence.
The month that life stands still.
The month that I cannot seem to get through without a lot of alcohol, a lot of tears, and a lot of pain.
I can't wait for January, when everything is dead, everything is cold, and everything is gone. Then is the time I feel appropriately depressed.
AdaGrace
Posted by AdaGrace on October 17, 2005, at 19:53:06
In reply to October Is, ***trigger***, posted by AdaGrace on October 17, 2005, at 19:05:20
Posted by lynn971 on October 17, 2005, at 19:55:54
In reply to October Is, ***trigger***, posted by AdaGrace on October 17, 2005, at 19:05:20
I am sorry that this month has been hell for you.
What if we make it the month of new beginnings. The month that you make new friends. The month that begins the rest of your life.
How about we make October the month in which you have had so many trials, but the month in which, despite the bad things, you are still standing, still fighting, and still going strong. October did not defeat you. October is making you stronger. Make October the month in which you strive to overcome. The month in which defines your strength to overcome the advesaries in your life. The month in which someone spoke into your life to let you know that you are special. You may have been knocked down, but you have not been knocked out.
Your mother has past, but her spirit is still alive. The person who broke your heart was probably not worth your time. Stay strong. Today is the first day of the rest of your life.
Posted by AdaGrace on October 17, 2005, at 19:59:33
In reply to Re: October Is, ***trigger***, posted by lynn971 on October 17, 2005, at 19:55:54
Maybe tomorrow your post will make me feel better. Right now I just can't even try.
Posted by alexandra_k on October 17, 2005, at 20:54:34
In reply to Re: October Is, ***trigger*** » lynn971, posted by AdaGrace on October 17, 2005, at 19:59:33
just so long as you know that we care
(((adagrace)))
i'm sorry october is so hard for you
Posted by Phillipa on October 17, 2005, at 21:10:04
In reply to Re: October Is, ***trigger*** » AdaGrace, posted by alexandra_k on October 17, 2005, at 20:54:34
What is it about October? My grown Daughter said that was when I sent her to live with her Father in Ct on Oct 31. And years later on Oct 31 I was working as an RN and specifically asked my husband not to let my cat or kitten out. Because a lot of people harm animals on halloween. And he let him out and the next morning he was dead in the road. I guess I don't like Oct either. Fondly, Phillipa
Posted by alexandra_k on October 17, 2005, at 21:36:14
In reply to Re: October Is, ***trigger***, posted by Phillipa on October 17, 2005, at 21:10:04
winter is coming too - isn't it?
we tend to like october over here...
because the weather is picking up and we have some lovely days.but when winter is coming...
round about may...
things aren't so nice
they aren't so nice at all
Posted by wildcard on October 17, 2005, at 21:49:03
In reply to October Is, ***trigger***, posted by AdaGrace on October 17, 2005, at 19:05:20
I hope you find peace and comfort. All things take time to heal, hopefully sooner than later.
Posted by ClearSkies on October 17, 2005, at 22:41:39
In reply to October Is, ***trigger***, posted by AdaGrace on October 17, 2005, at 19:05:20
October is when I took my 2 month leave of absence from work. Sat around the house for 7 weeks and started to feel a little better during the 8th week, and then went back to work. I lasted another 3 months (barely) but not really.
October was when I realized how ill I had really become. Ill tempered, black with depression, red with anger and rage, purple with panic. More medications, different medications, different therapists, staying at home and unable to really do much beyond buy the groceries OR cook the food. Not both in the same day, not possible.
A year later and the depression is nowhere near as crushing. I can function almost as a Normal if I've done my meditation thoroughly. My anxiety has a life of its own. Flits in a couple of times a day, lands on my chest and gives my heart a squeeze and my stomach a lurch before it slowly gently fades,
Out of the equation now is the drinking that dogged me a year ago. A day or two sober followed by several carefully planned secret binges. Paid for in cash, from different stores, and hidden in various low profile spots in my closet. That part of me is gone.
AdaGrace, we have our October stories too. To share and remember and reflect on what has changed,
I'm still here for you.
Posted by Damos on October 18, 2005, at 1:31:25
In reply to October Is, ***trigger***, posted by AdaGrace on October 17, 2005, at 19:05:20
There are just no words.
((((((((((AdaGrace))))))))))
I'm holding you in my heart
Posted by wildcard on October 18, 2005, at 2:05:10
In reply to Re: October Is, ***my trigger***, posted by ClearSkies on October 17, 2005, at 22:41:39
Posted by lynn971 on October 18, 2005, at 6:39:03
In reply to Re: October Is, ***my trigger***, posted by ClearSkies on October 17, 2005, at 22:41:39
I have a Non October experience too. Although it didnt happen in October... This poem tells the rest of the story.
It Should Have Been October
It should have been October
When my wheelchair rolled down the
hall into the roomHooked me up to an IV bag, and EKG monitor
a blood pressure gauge.
Poked and probed and prepped
but at six months early there are no
videos of a baby screaming into life in
full color
just a black and white sonogram snapshot of a baby still cradled in its tomb with his thumb in his mouth.
no soft flesh to pass through me into life just a sterile metal rod to scrape the death from my womb
no certificat of birth
just a bottle of pills for the cramps
I guess that's what happens whe it's only april andIT SHOULD HAVE BEEN OCTOBER.
I found this poem in a book after my third miss.
(had four) this poem is exactly what happened.
I dont know why I shared this story. I guess we all have our share of trials.Hold your head up high.
I know that I tend to fight depression as the weather gets cooler and the leaves begin to fall.We have to go on.
Just want to say I care about you, and I am sorry that October was horrible for you.
Posted by wildcard on October 18, 2005, at 8:52:33
In reply to Re: big time trigger, posted by lynn971 on October 18, 2005, at 6:39:03
It is so odd how a certain time can bring so much pain yet so much joy to another. At age 14, I was told I would never have children due to the abuse at such a young age. Well, I have two beautiful little Angels with me and I believe that God has my other four Angels in Heaven. My 1st baby boy was conceived in October and my 2nd and last baby boy will have his first birthday October 29. As my tears of joy fall in October, others have tears of sorrow.
Just always remember that although your wings may need time to heal, you will soar again.(((hugs)))
Posted by AdaGrace on October 18, 2005, at 10:18:03
In reply to October Is, ***trigger***, posted by AdaGrace on October 17, 2005, at 19:05:20
I can't seem to get over the losses I have encountered. I feel trapped by them and see that my way of coping with one loss creates a situation of another heartache. I'm embarassed by my inability to move on. I'm embarassed by my constant blubbering over things that I have caused. More importantly, I am embarassed that I have openly talked about all this grief I hold and yet it really pales to compare to the grief most have suffered. I have never been physically abused. I have never lost a child. I have never experienced the horrificness of any of that, and yet I sit here crying thinking how selfish of me. You all have extended your support for me and I really haven't suffered as much as many of you. I'm sorry.
Posted by wildcard on October 18, 2005, at 10:44:13
In reply to Re: October Is, ***trigger***, posted by AdaGrace on October 18, 2005, at 10:18:03
There is no 'comparing' ones pain to another. You have had a lot happen to you that you feel and hurt from. You have lost a lot and moving forward is the hardest step sometimes but your pain is real and so are you. Acknowledging it is sometimes that first step. It will get better, I just don't know when. Time does help heal though.
Posted by lynn971 on October 18, 2005, at 11:23:19
In reply to Re: October Is, ***trigger***, posted by AdaGrace on October 18, 2005, at 10:18:03
That is why it is called clinical depression. Everything can be perfect in ones life, but they still sit and cry from depression. It is biological.
((((AdaGrace))))
Posted by lynn971 on October 18, 2005, at 11:24:21
In reply to Re: October Is, ***trigger*** » AdaGrace, posted by wildcard on October 18, 2005, at 10:44:13
Posted by sal0805 on October 18, 2005, at 15:26:33
In reply to October Is, ***trigger***, posted by AdaGrace on October 17, 2005, at 19:05:20
Ada - I cannot respond - nor am I going to read any of the posts on this thread just yet.
I have not stopped thinking about you and I am so utterly emotional right now.
My friend, all my thoughts and love are with with you.
S
Posted by Damos on October 18, 2005, at 17:41:01
In reply to Re: October Is, ***trigger***, posted by AdaGrace on October 18, 2005, at 10:18:03
Gracie,
Suffering is universal. And for me the truest sign of our humanity is that we each reach out from our own suffering to help someone else in theirs. It is this sharing of the load that makes each of our individual burdens just that little bit easier to bear.
It is an honour to share your burden, and I respect and admire you so much for sharing it. I know it took a lot. Gracie, it is also an honour to be your friend. I cherish it.
Posted by lynn971 on October 18, 2005, at 18:38:13
In reply to Re: October Is, ***trigger*** » AdaGrace, posted by Damos on October 18, 2005, at 17:41:01
Please do not ever feel bad for sharing your hurts. This is why we are here. You are hurting today, and tomorrow you may have to be there for someone else.
Your pain is your pain and it is real.
Love you,
lynn
Posted by Declan on October 19, 2005, at 18:19:53
In reply to Re: October Is, ***trigger***, posted by AdaGrace on October 18, 2005, at 10:18:03
There's a percentage of (depressed) peple who cheer up when they get a terminal illness. Suddenly their suffering has a reason and is given defining limits. I think people suffer less from depression when the source of their pain is clearly defined and external to them. They have other things to worry about then.
Declan
This is the end of the thread.
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