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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 9 of 9. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by akc on September 14, 2001, at 20:17:36
My mom is back in the hospital. And all the cancer treatment she painfully endured -- the tumor has grown, so it appears to have not helped at all. I'm too weary. I'm going to keep going for my mother. But there is not much other reason -- I'm too alone, in too much pain, unable it appears to make the changes necessary to even begin to make life worth a little bit living. I just can't stand the pain much longer -- I really can't take it. I can't take the pain inside me -- and I can't take the pain out there.
Posted by susan C on September 14, 2001, at 21:09:20
In reply to Too much for me to bear, posted by akc on September 14, 2001, at 20:17:36
akc, call your doc, get help, I am so sorry you are hurting. I will keep telling you how much you help me. Hoping, you will be around when I need help, like you have in the past few months. If I could I would get some flowers and sneak by and leave them on your door step. And you could share them with your mom.
a serimouse
Susan C> My mom is back in the hospital. And all the cancer treatment she painfully endured -- the tumor has grown, so it appears to have not helped at all. I'm too weary. I'm going to keep going for my mother. But there is not much other reason -- I'm too alone, in too much pain, unable it appears to make the changes necessary to even begin to make life worth a little bit living. I just can't stand the pain much longer -- I really can't take it. I can't take the pain inside me -- and I can't take the pain out there.
Posted by triedit on September 15, 2001, at 8:43:53
In reply to Too much for me to bear, posted by akc on September 14, 2001, at 20:17:36
AKC its important for you to know that what you are feeling is VERY normal. You may be feeling it a little more than you would like, but the feelings themselves are completely normal.
It's ok to feel the grief and the stress and to feel overwhelmed. Its ok to ask for help and its ok to not want to do this any more.
What isnt ok is to give up on YOURSELF. You contribute so much--to your family and friends, to your community, to THIS community (the boards) and to at least Susan and I. Watching you give voice to your pain and frustration helps me see that there are real people in the world, with real feelings and real problems. You show me that those real feelings can be dealt with and overcome if need be.
I admire you so very much. Im sorry you are hurting. Take care of you.
My therapist used to say that I should follow the advice of a stewardess in crisis--that I should give myself the oxygen first because if IM not ok then how can I expect to help others?
Posted by sar on September 16, 2001, at 2:25:43
In reply to Re: Too much for me to bear, posted by triedit on September 15, 2001, at 8:43:53
dear akc,
i agree with susan and triedit (robin?) (is that robinibor?)...my thoughts are with you...it must hurt so much to see a parent in peril...but you've got to keep yourself togther in order to deal with keeping yr momma together. are you seeing a therapist regularly? please, i hope you are. if i were in yr situation i'd want to see a therapist several times a week. the potential loss of a parent is absolutely devastating.
there is much work for you to do--as a lawyer, as a friend, as a social contributer. please keep us ypdated on what is going on.
3 years ago my dad held his momma's hand and whispered that it was okay for her to die. she was in her eighties, in much mental pain, having lost both er husband and her daughter in the past 5 years. she died when he said that. my dad had been crushed ever since. he sits lifeless on the couch.
i don't want anyone else to be like that. we are organic. birth growth existence death, oh akc, i hope you are okay, plz keep your pretty chin up and let us know how you are--do not allow this to overcome you--read books on this topic--pray on your porch--
love,
sar
Posted by Greg A. on September 17, 2001, at 14:26:19
In reply to Too much for me to bear, posted by akc on September 14, 2001, at 20:17:36
akc – shame, I think, was a pretty common theme last week for many of us. Much as I tried to get myself to see that my ‘problems’ paled in significance to the tragedy in NYC, I failed. My problems were still there at the front of my mind. I wrote this at the time:
Thoughts without thinking -
I am saddened by the world. I am saddened by my world. They do not seem connected. Words come to me. Words come out of me. Images. Sadness. Gray and black with plumes of smoke. People running. People crying. I am in their midst uncaring. Why? I can do nothing. I am not part of the living thing. I am alone. No one speaks to me for I have nothing to say. No one listens to me for I say nothing. No one cares for me for I do not care for them. No one cares for I do not care for me. A tragedy. An unspeakable act. The perpetration of madmen. The way of man. The world is upside down. I wish for a day free of pain. A day of enjoying without anguish or doubt. A day of movement without effort. A day of tranquility without strain. A selfish thing to ask. I am ashamed.
Things still do not make sense to me.
I know about that spiraling feeling. What’s going on that you think might be contributing in your case? It sounds like a week of overload for you. If I remember correctly – therapist gone, mother hospitalized, and the events of the world. I suspect anyone, no matter how sound they think they are mentally would feel lousy under those circumstances. So allow yourself the chance to feel but remember it’s not hopeless. What you contribute is valued by others and we need you around. Call on people who care to support you just like you would support them.
What a week for us individually and the world in general. We have enough trouble dealing with our own ‘crazy’ illnesses which often seem beyond our control, only to be reminded that the world itself is crazy. I think many of us who struggle with our own feelings so much are all too capable of feeling deeply for others. The pain of what went on in NYC, and of personal events close to home hits us hard. I am Canadian ( no this is not a Molson’s commercial!) and I see a lot of people on this Board posting thoughts that question revenge and retribution as reasonable reactions to last weeks terrorism. Maybe, while we recoil from the violence and the tragic results, we also recoil from more killing as a way to feel better. A lot of people and a lot of ‘leaders’ seem to feel that stamping out evil is what must be done.
While I cannot say that I sympathize with the terrorists, a lot of violence has been perpetrated throughout history by those who would stamp out evil. Usama Bin Laden thinks western ‘culture’ is evil. He wants to stamp it out. We say, “But we are on the other side of the world. Why does he target us?” He sees all facets of western civilization creeping into his world and does what he thinks he must to stop it. Who is right and who is wrong? I know little of Islam. I know a little more of western religion and philosophy. But, for the life of me, it seems clear that whoever kills is wrong. It makes no difference if you kill first or in retribution.
I don’t advocate waiting to be slaughtered. I don’t want to be killed for my beliefs, or lack of them. I have never been a big fan of Jesus’ turning the other cheek but there has to be a better way to enforce the idea throughout the world that terrorism and killing of innocent people is wrong, than by killing other innocent people. I worry that in a couple of thousand years, we have not found any answers to this question.
Sorry for the long diatribe. I have to stop now ‘cause I’m making myself miserable.
Hang in there akc. I will if you will.
Posted by akc on September 17, 2001, at 15:00:21
In reply to Re: Too much for me to bear, posted by Greg A. on September 17, 2001, at 14:26:19
>Maybe, while we recoil from the violence and the tragic results, we also recoil from more killing as a way to feel better. A lot of people and a lot of ‘leaders’ seem to feel that stamping out evil is what must be done.
I can only hope that we will somehow recoil from more killing, but know deep inside that is not what will happen. This concept that we Americans with our allies are going to stamp out "evil" is almost amusing. As if evil could be stamped out -- in trying to do so, we may just breed more. Sigh.
> While I cannot say that I sympathize with the terrorists, a lot of violence has been perpetrated throughout history by those who would stamp out evil. Usama Bin Laden thinks western ‘culture’ is evil. He wants to stamp it out. We say, “But we are on the other side of the world. Why does he target us?” He sees all facets of western civilization creeping into his world and does what he thinks he must to stop it. Who is right and who is wrong? I know little of Islam. I know a little more of western religion and philosophy. But, for the life of me, it seems clear that whoever kills is wrong. It makes no difference if you kill first or in retribution.
My knowledge of other cultures is weak at best. And I have, like some I am sure, been trying to beef up on it. To truly understand for the first time the mind of someone who would commit such an act. It is so hard to see things through the eyes of one who is in my own culture, so it is virtually impossible to do it in another's. Bin Laden's upsetness with American troops being in Saudi -- because they "taint" holy ground. With my christian background and all, that just seems silly -- and I mean no offense when I say that. It is just such a different way to think. Then add to the fact that his way to deal with it is to attack over here -- it would make more sense to me if he targeted those in places he did not want them. His crusade similar to the medivial crusades. So my head spins and spins.
> I don’t advocate waiting to be slaughtered. I don’t want to be killed for my beliefs, or lack of them. I have never been a big fan of Jesus’ turning the other cheek but there has to be a better way to enforce the idea throughout the world that terrorism and killing of innocent people is wrong, than by killing other innocent people. I worry that in a couple of thousand years, we have not found any answers to this question.
I guess I am a pretty big pacifist. I might go as far as defending myself -- that is, someone shoots at me, I shoot back. But I am not even sure of this -- except to say that if someone was physically attacking me, I think I would fight back -- but there would have to be no innocents hurt because of it. That is probably my biggest issue. We are going to go slaughter a lot of people -- and become the aggressor. And the cycle will continue on and on. So at some point I wonder, does it not make sense to turn the other cheek?
> Sorry for the long diatribe. I have to stop now ‘cause I’m making myself miserable.
> Hang in there akc. I will if you will.I'm doing a lot better today -- thanks for writing.
akc
Posted by Greg A. on September 17, 2001, at 15:20:11
In reply to Re: Too much for me to bear » Greg A., posted by akc on September 17, 2001, at 15:00:21
I'm very glad you are doing better.I look at your posts - 3 days apart - and there's a big difference.
That's something for me to keep in mind next time I feel like it's too much to bear.Greg
Posted by akc on September 17, 2001, at 16:13:34
In reply to Three days, posted by Greg A. on September 17, 2001, at 15:20:11
And lots of therapy that has helped me get better coping skills, and a good med combo going on for me at the moment. I was in a pretty healthy spot when this all happened. It is still hard -- but I was able to break the spiral -- this time. I'm still very sad. And I do have the stuff going on with my mom (I'm going to post more tonight when I get home). And I have surgery on Wednesday -- minor, but still surgery. But it is kinda nice to see that I can handle all of this with out totally giving up -- and it wasn't that many weeks ago I would have given up -- it wasn't that many weeks ago that I was in a bad depression that I couldn't stop the spiral. A small victory -- something I have never had before -- one that maybe a lot of us can hold onto.
akc
Posted by Noa on September 25, 2001, at 16:48:44
In reply to Re: Three days, posted by akc on September 17, 2001, at 16:13:34
Sorry to hear about this, AKC. It is painful. And sad. Avail yourself of support as much as possible. I like the metaphor of the oxygen mask that was offered earlier in the thread (sorry I cannot remember which poster it was).
This is the end of the thread.
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