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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 9 of 9. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by OzLand on July 26, 2007, at 0:35:58
I just could not post when I got home from work; and even now I am still confused. The situation with my job is a problem again and is stressing me out. I need things resolved. I had therapy on Wednesday. I realize it is now 12:25 a.m. so it is officially now Thursday.
Therapy was not good in that I just could not see what my T was driving at with the damn link between the past and present other than part of what occured with my mother as a child. Otherwise I did not see the link between my job situation right now and the csa. Damn him, he was going to make another link, and I yelled at him not to say it. I feel like an idiot now. Then I started to hyperventilate and burst into tears. I just hate that. I thought he did not believe me about an accident I had last month, and he said he did believe me. I thought he had a look on his face like he did not believe me, and so he is saying to me to look at him and listen and repeated it three times and said I "must" take it into my heart now. I do, and then he tells me there are links, and then I said I don't want to know now. I can't handle it.
He said it is true he sometimes uses powerful words to make a point, and he acknowledged that using the term "insert" himself in me was deliberate. I said I knew it was and what happened to me that I thought I was going to have to vomit in the bathroom afterwards. He said nothing. It was toward the end of the session, and I know it will come up on Friday. I just wish the work thing was resolved, as it is difficult enough dealing with the csa in therapy and to have the other sh*t hanging over my head.
I also got some info on my ECT in March and learned that there were some differences in what was done with me with the last ECT I did before I quit and with the other doctor. My ECT doc said he could only speculate that this is why I had so much more confusion and disorientation and memory stuff happen. By the way, the memory, at least short term memory is getting better I think. I will know better when I try to read a book which I want to do after the work crap is resolved. Just too much stress right now,
OzLand
Posted by LadyBug on July 26, 2007, at 1:14:20
In reply to Therapy and links - trigger, posted by OzLand on July 26, 2007, at 0:35:58
Posted by Honore on July 26, 2007, at 11:28:21
In reply to Therapy and links - trigger, posted by OzLand on July 26, 2007, at 0:35:58
Ozland, that sounds like an awful lot to have to contend with now.
I hope the job situation can be resolved enough so that it can go forward more smoothly, while you work on so many very very distressing old experiences with your T. He sounds very committed and daring-- maybe he's pushing because he sees a lot of hope-- but maybe he needs to slow down a little. Over time, you'll be ready to make the connections, and to be more open to his doing so, too.
Sometimes Ts don't quite know how to pace things; but he must be feeling that you have a lot of untapped, or unrecognized, strengths and promise. So his working so hard seems to me to have that meaning in it, too. There are times when feelings become so overwhelming; but they can become less so, each time, with the right T, as he seems to be for you.
I'm concerned about what you learned about the ECT. I hope nothing inappropriate was done-- that caused the problems in the last session. But I'm especially glad to hear that your memory feels more reliable and sharp. The very best thing, which I'm hopeful of, is that over time you'll be very much yourself and the decision to have ECT will not have led to any permanent questions about that.
Honore
Posted by antigua3 on July 26, 2007, at 11:46:38
In reply to Therapy and links - trigger, posted by OzLand on July 26, 2007, at 0:35:58
I swear I already posted this, but I've certainly been having trouble w/my posts lately...
here it is again:
I'm really sorry you have to go through this. I know how you feel. In fact, when your T made the link by using the word "insert" you blew me away because it made me realize that was my whole problem with male authority figures, as I'd told you before. It has affected all of my relationships with male bosses, but I can tell you, I won't do it again, or at least I'll try to recognize I'm doing it.
My T did it to me today, too. I was telling her about the post I had written about my pdoc and how I felt like he was an eel slithering through our relationship and right away she made the link between my feelings for my pdoc and the csa. My choice of "eel" was reminiscent of some of the sexual things I'd told her about my father. She didn't even have to tell me, she just looked at me and I got it right away.
It was horrible, but now I know how I really feel about my pdoc and hopefully that will help me make good decisions about him.
I can understand why your T is trying to show you how the csa is affecting your work situation, but maybe he's pushing too hard right now. maybe you just need a patch or two to get your through this stress and not the whole, upsetting, gut wrenching connections.
I'm sorry,
antigua
Posted by OzLand on July 26, 2007, at 21:27:24
In reply to Re: Therapy and links - trigger, posted by Honore on July 26, 2007, at 11:28:21
I am hanging in there, and it is a day to day thing. I wish I could say something about the work thing, but I really can't on a board. I will say that everyone who knows me at work can't believe what is happening is happening to me and over something really benign. Someday I will be able to say, but I cant now. My T is right though; there are definite links to csa in that waiting and not knowing what will happen and when is making me really anxious. Plus the person who is helping me with the situation is out of town. Not Therapist, but another professional. So I think things will work out, but I really don't know yet. Certainly no one has had problems with my work or quality of my work. Doesn't always matter though.
As far as the ECT is concerned, the last treatment, the seizure was allowed to continue for twice as long as the others previous. This really pisses me off. While I believe my short term memory is improving, my long term memory still has "holes" in it and likely always will, memory going back to my postdoctoral days which makes me crazy. So, I have started to reread all my books or have at least tried. My therapist says I haven't forgottn really; I still now what I learned. I am not so sure. I think I am much better off than others who have done ECT, and this is due in part to my quitting after the 7th ECT. The first is just to establish the seizure threshold level, and so I had six treatments of the 12 they wanted to do. Screw them.
Tomorrow I see my therapist again, and I will get some sleep (maybe) tonight. I believe he knows what he is doing as he suggested to me he knew some things that I could not think of. And, he did not blurt them out. I think on my own I know some of the links, and so had he said, I think I could have handled it. I just did not think I could. The not knowing when things will end. The not knowing when something will happen; the not being able to make it all stop; the not being able to yell at the people and tell them to stop being evil and horrible. I also have a husband who is not always sensitive to what is going on with me. He is wrapped up in his own stuff now and I told him he had to stop bringing me into his conflicts as I can't handle it right now.
Sometimes I start thinking I wish I were dead and did not have to deal with this sh*t. I am not going to do anything at this time, but if it doesn't resolve soon, like within the next week or two, I feel like I will go off the deep end.
Posted by OzLand on July 26, 2007, at 21:32:19
In reply to Re: Therapy and links - trigger, posted by antigua3 on July 26, 2007, at 11:46:38
Thanks for writing. I understand what you mean all to well. I don't think T is pushing too hard. I made some links on my own today; should I share with him tomorrow. I don't know. Right now I just want to get away; I feel like I want to run away from home and go hide somewhere. No that won't work; I did that when I was in the hospital years ago, and they just ended up sending the police looking for me. Not good. Still it seems like it would feel good until I think about how it used to really feel--not good; I felt lonely and alone in the world--last thing any of us need. Take care, and I will check on you too. Thanks.
OzLand
Posted by OzLand on July 26, 2007, at 21:34:19
In reply to Re: (((((OzLand))))) I'm so sorry for you (nm) » OzLand, posted by LadyBug on July 26, 2007, at 1:14:20
Thanks. Wish me well tomorrow. I am thinking of you too and appreciate all the good will here. Once upon on time I would have thought I did not deserve it. I am so thankful now for people who care.
Posted by OzLand on July 26, 2007, at 23:09:19
In reply to Therapy and links - trigger, posted by OzLand on July 26, 2007, at 0:35:58
Going to bed now; really upset and can't stop crying. I am feeling really fragile right now. I think I need to stay away from the boards for awhile. Lots of hurt.
OzLand
Posted by muffled on July 26, 2007, at 23:35:41
In reply to Re: My state of mind, posted by OzLand on July 26, 2007, at 23:09:19
This is the end of the thread.
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