Posted by OzLand on July 26, 2007, at 21:27:24
In reply to Re: Therapy and links - trigger, posted by Honore on July 26, 2007, at 11:28:21
I am hanging in there, and it is a day to day thing. I wish I could say something about the work thing, but I really can't on a board. I will say that everyone who knows me at work can't believe what is happening is happening to me and over something really benign. Someday I will be able to say, but I cant now. My T is right though; there are definite links to csa in that waiting and not knowing what will happen and when is making me really anxious. Plus the person who is helping me with the situation is out of town. Not Therapist, but another professional. So I think things will work out, but I really don't know yet. Certainly no one has had problems with my work or quality of my work. Doesn't always matter though.
As far as the ECT is concerned, the last treatment, the seizure was allowed to continue for twice as long as the others previous. This really pisses me off. While I believe my short term memory is improving, my long term memory still has "holes" in it and likely always will, memory going back to my postdoctoral days which makes me crazy. So, I have started to reread all my books or have at least tried. My therapist says I haven't forgottn really; I still now what I learned. I am not so sure. I think I am much better off than others who have done ECT, and this is due in part to my quitting after the 7th ECT. The first is just to establish the seizure threshold level, and so I had six treatments of the 12 they wanted to do. Screw them.
Tomorrow I see my therapist again, and I will get some sleep (maybe) tonight. I believe he knows what he is doing as he suggested to me he knew some things that I could not think of. And, he did not blurt them out. I think on my own I know some of the links, and so had he said, I think I could have handled it. I just did not think I could. The not knowing when things will end. The not knowing when something will happen; the not being able to make it all stop; the not being able to yell at the people and tell them to stop being evil and horrible. I also have a husband who is not always sensitive to what is going on with me. He is wrapped up in his own stuff now and I told him he had to stop bringing me into his conflicts as I can't handle it right now.
Sometimes I start thinking I wish I were dead and did not have to deal with this sh*t. I am not going to do anything at this time, but if it doesn't resolve soon, like within the next week or two, I feel like I will go off the deep end.
poster:OzLand
thread:772033
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070726/msgs/772230.html