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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 18 of 18. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by LlurpsieNoodle on July 26, 2007, at 11:11:36
I've been feeling really spacy dissociated apathetic majorly depressed and very suicidal this past week. Was attempting to cut the main vein in my arm an "attempt" or just a self-injury. moot point.
I told H last night to hide the knives in the house and to stay with me. He seemed oblivious. What had been caring concern morphed into a dark angry cloud "how could you think about that. I will NEVER understand that. You said you made great progress with T, that's a lie. T's are dirt, lower than dirt. They make you believe you're sicker than ever..." I asked him again to be with me and to hide the knives. He said "You think your life is so horrible? I respect that. If your life is THAT horrible I'll drive you to the store RIGHT now and get you a razor or whatever you want. You don't have the guts to do it." please, honey, I just asked 2 simple things. hide the knives and stay with me tonight. "Why? You're not fighting at all. You've given up completely. I'm not going to help someone who's given up. I can try and understand only so far. THIS [suicide] I will NEVER understand." I told him I wasn't feeling very well, would he please stop yelling at me? I told him that I needed his help because I was already cutting myself. he demanded to see. was disgusted. I was disgusted. "See, you don't have the guts to do it. I knew it. This therapy thing is a load of b*llshit. I remember the Llurpsie I knew 3 years ago, before any of this sh*t happened. It's the f*cking therapists and the drugs and they mess with your mind" please honey, just take away the knives and be with me.
And later on, after I retreated from this ongoing attack. the most stinging comment of all "your T (the one in Chicago) said that you had made the most progress [in a short time] than anyone she'd ever known? That's a load of b*llshit. You're worse than ever."
Lying in bed. him stewing. me wishing to have sharp implement handy for me not him. He demands I call my T. that I tell him that he doesn't know what the f*ck he's doing and he holds up the phone and threatens to find his saved number.
No choice now. I take the phone and go downstairs, where at least I'll have some privacy. I tell T about the cutting and intense suicidal thoughts. T asks if I need to go to the hospital. Told him that I was thinking about it, but had decided to take a sleeping pill. Told t about how H had offered to drive me to the store to buy me a razor blade. T offered to talk to H. H yelled back no f*cking way. I tried again. no. T told me that I could always call 911 and the police or the ambulance would take me to the ER if my husband refused to. I told T I'd fall asleep soon and that I'd call him back in the am
I called T back in the am. I told him that I was going to try to be okay. T strongly recommended tjat I call pdoc and be a little more adamant about changing my meds. That this was not acceptable.
And so I called pdoc and left detailed. ugh messasage with receptionist. pdoc called back within the hour and asked me to reduce my geodon from 240 back to 180. I told him that I wanted to try something different. That I'd been trying to get off of the geodon since April. He said my options were extremely limited :( Set up an appt for tomorrow. Now I go back to the meds board and see what the names were of all those chemicals recommended to me by linkadge and others (can't remember names. sorry)
That was my wild night. I just wanted a hug and for the knives to be taken away. Why was it so hard :'(
Posted by Dinah on July 26, 2007, at 11:25:29
In reply to I finally called my pdoc + T. big **triggers**, posted by LlurpsieNoodle on July 26, 2007, at 11:11:36
I'm so sorry, Llurpsie. My mother (I think - I've blanked out the face in my memory) did a similar thing to me when I was a teen, and I still remember it, and it still influences me today.
I can understand if he can't handle it, my husband can't either and I keep it from him and never rely on him to help me, but I don't understand his doing something so destructive. All I can think of is that sometimes that approach is shown on TV as a good thing (there was a MASH episode like that) and he might have internalized that message.
He loves you and he's scared and it's coming out as anger, I would guess. I'm not excusing him. There is no excuse really. And he really should be willing to talk to someone to find out how to be helpful or at least not make things worse. :(
I'm glad you called your therapist and pdoc though. I hope they can help. In fact, I'm sure they can. Medication changes can be very destabilizing, but once you get past that the worst feelings will go away.
Posted by antigua3 on July 26, 2007, at 11:41:18
In reply to I finally called my pdoc + T. big **triggers**, posted by LlurpsieNoodle on July 26, 2007, at 11:11:36
I'm really sorry about your night. It's like you want to tell your husband, but then you have to deal with him, too, when you just need to focus on yourself. That's why I keep things away from husband. My pdoc threatened to call my husband and tell him I needed to be in the hospital and that panicked me to no end, and I agreed to keep myself safe.
It's so hard because you're doing what you need to do--reach out--but you have to deal with the consequences.
BTW, I get those comments from husband all the time. I just chalk it up to that he doesn't understand. I AM getting better, but sometimes we get worse before we get better, and sometimes the lows are lower than we've ever experienced.
I really hope you and your pdoc can straighten out the meds situation. You're having so much trouble that I suspect the meds just have to be a part of it.
take care of yourself,
antigu
Posted by B2chica on July 26, 2007, at 12:02:52
In reply to I finally called my pdoc + T. big **triggers**, posted by LlurpsieNoodle on July 26, 2007, at 11:11:36
oh ((((((((((lurpsie)))))))))) dear, i am so sorry.
...what you wrote gave me chills...as i was reading it i could replace lupsie with chica and that would have been my DH a couple years ago when i was struggling so severely. the words almost to a T (pardon the pun). the disgusted reaction to cutting...the f-word toward therapist...exactly. it is SO hurtful when the one person you are supposed to be able to turn to makes things more difficult in an already uphill battle.but wow are you a lot stronger than you may feel. you hung tight. you did ALL the right things. you asked for help from DH, that didn't work, you talked to T....only little help....you took (Rx amount of medication)...AND you made an appt. INSISTING on changing meds!
that was WONDERFUL.and though it doesn't help....i think dinah mentioned that her DH does this sometimes too...and its' true..i thnk they react so severly because they just really don't understand it and they want to 'fix' things and they can't. then they get angry...
and it does often get worse with T before they get better and unless you've been there, its hard to explain to others...why.please dear one...you were SO wonderful last night Despite the internal/exteral fight you had to endure last night.
and NO it was NOT TOO MUCH TO ASK...they were 2 Very simple things that you needed AND you asked for....
and you persisted...when one denied you, you tried another avenue.please please take extra special care of yourself.....
(((((((((((((((((Lurpsie)))))))))))))))
Posted by Phillipa on July 26, 2007, at 12:16:11
In reply to Re: I finally called my pdoc + T. big **triggers**, posted by B2chica on July 26, 2007, at 12:02:52
Lurpsie so glad you told you DH. Mine is the same. Men want to fix things don't think the same as women. I'm hoping the pdoc can stabalize you in a safe enviornment with the support you need right now. I know how miserable you've been. Please stay safe and update. Going from a busy city to a quiet place is very disruptive to people on meds or not. I'm with you. And so is all of babble. I won't speculate on the meds he might want to try. Love Phillipa
Posted by ClearSkies on July 26, 2007, at 12:53:28
In reply to I finally called my pdoc + T. big **triggers**, posted by LlurpsieNoodle on July 26, 2007, at 11:11:36
I'm so sorry. I was going to write something about whether our spouses were supportive of us in our treatments and I find I'm rather speechless.
I thought I was alone in this precarious boat.
ClearSkies
Posted by slugdoo on July 26, 2007, at 13:35:04
In reply to Re: I finally called my pdoc + T. big **triggers**, posted by ClearSkies on July 26, 2007, at 12:53:28
(((((((((((Llupsie))))))))))))))) I am so sorry you are feeling so bad. I am glad you reached out to T and your T is doing the right thing.
As far as your DH, he is probably frusterated with the situation because he probably wants to help but doesn't know how really. Plus he might be feeling guility too , like it is all his fault you feel the way you do.
I wish he would listen more to you, I know he won't go to therapy with you, that would be the ideal situation I think. Somehow it has to get through to him. It frusterates me that he is that way with you.
I hope your Pdoc can help you today. Let us know how it goes.
Love,
slugdoo
Posted by LlurpsieNoodle on July 26, 2007, at 13:55:08
In reply to Re: I finally called my pdoc + T. big **triggers**, posted by antigua3 on July 26, 2007, at 11:41:18
Thanks antigua,
That sounds really stressful about your pdoc possibly telling your H about your going to the hospital.My husband, on the other hand, would be happy to drive me to the hospital, if I asked him to. A big part of him wants to shift the responsibility for my well-being onto someone else, and no wonder-- it really stresses him out. :(
-Ll
Posted by LlurpsieNoodle on July 26, 2007, at 14:04:11
In reply to Re: I finally called my pdoc + T. big **triggers**, posted by Dinah on July 26, 2007, at 11:25:29
> I'm so sorry, Llurpsie. My mother (I think - I've blanked out the face in my memory) did a similar thing to me when I was a teen, and I still remember it, and it still influences me today.
>
> I can understand if he can't handle it, my husband can't either and I keep it from him and never rely on him to help me, but I don't understand his doing something so destructive.me neither. it felt like anti-love :'(
like he was giving up on me and our future together.All I can think of is that sometimes that approach is shown on TV as a good thing (there was a MASH episode like that) and he might have internalized that message.
>We talked a while back about pseudoname together. I was close to pseudo and I understood where he was when he committed suicide, to the extent that any of us can understand another's mind? Or maybe I just fancy myself more astute than I actually am. I digress. Living wills and things aside, it sounded like he wanted to skip all of that and just get it over with. He's kind of compulsive like that.
> He loves you and he's scared and it's coming out as anger, I would guess. I'm not excusing him. There is no excuse really. And he really should be willing to talk to someone to find out how to be helpful or at least not make things worse. :(
he even said "I wish I had someone to talk to about this". But he HATES the institution of psychology, therapy, psychiatry, mental health. all of it. HATES it. I grudgingly got him to agree to go to marriage counseling if it would help US, but "therapy will NEVER NEVER help him" 'cause his way is better than any stupid advice from a therapist. This discussion has been going on for about 5 years, by the way. I made the mistake of asking him to see T at school when he had insomnia.
>
> I'm glad you called your therapist and pdoc though. I hope they can help. In fact, I'm sure they can. Medication changes can be very destabilizing, but once you get past that the worst feelings will go away.XXXXX those are my 10 fingers crossed. I feel like a lab rat. anticipating my "experiment" tomorrow. Hate this feeling. but I made a list of stuff that I want pdoc to know, and a list of stuff that would make me feel better. #1 on that list is including my opinion in my treatment plan. I *have* been observing myself for sometime now. I know how I feel better than new pdoc can glean from any chart, any conversation with my old pdoc.
(((((old pdoc)))))-Ll
Posted by LlurpsieNoodle on July 26, 2007, at 14:09:23
In reply to Re: I finally called my pdoc + T. big **triggers**, posted by B2chica on July 26, 2007, at 12:02:52
> oh ((((((((((lurpsie)))))))))) dear, i am so sorry.
> ...what you wrote gave me chills...as i was reading it i could replace lupsie with chica and that would have been my DH a couple years ago when i was struggling so severely. the words almost to a T (pardon the pun). the disgusted reaction to cutting...the f-word toward therapist...exactly. it is SO hurtful when the one person you are supposed to be able to turn to makes things more difficult in an already uphill battle.I wish no one ever had to go through that with a loved one. (((((b2chica))))) thanks for big hug.
> please dear one...you were SO wonderful last night Despite the internal/exteral fight you had to endure last night.
> and NO it was NOT TOO MUCH TO ASK...they were 2 Very simple things that you needed AND you asked for....
> and you persisted...when one denied you, you tried another avenue.i felt like a crying wolf in the am though. so weak that I couldn't make it on my own. HATE asking for help.
>
> please please take extra special care of yourself.....
> (((((((((((((((((Lurpsie)))))))))))))))I'm trying. I even did my hair and makeup this "morning" after taking the long procrastinated shower. cleaned up one room. rearranged furniture and lit a lamp and the mirrors make the powder room glowing and cozy.
Posted by LlurpsieNoodle on July 26, 2007, at 14:12:56
In reply to Re: I finally called my pdoc + T. big **triggers**, posted by Phillipa on July 26, 2007, at 12:16:11
> Lurpsie so glad you told you DH. Mine is the same. Men want to fix things don't think the same as women. I'm hoping the pdoc can stabalize you in a safe enviornment with the support you need right now.
personally, I have more hopes for T than for pdoc in helping me adjust to this stuff. my med change was very disruptive, but on top of much psychological disruption too.
>I know how miserable you've been. Please stay safe and update. Going from a busy city to a quiet place is very disruptive to people on meds or not. I'm with you. And so is all of babble. I won't speculate on the meds he might want to try. Love Phillipa
(((phillipa)))thanks for your support and attention to my stupid whining.
here's my update. or you can just read my reply to b2chica above. I rearranged the furniture in the powder room and installed a lamp and mirror to make it more cozy. I even have a vanity, and I organized my overflowing makeup collection. I even used some, so that I wouldn't look like a complete cavewoman. Now if I could only eat anything :(ll
Posted by LlurpsieNoodle on July 26, 2007, at 14:16:42
In reply to Re: I finally called my pdoc + T. big **triggers**, posted by ClearSkies on July 26, 2007, at 12:53:28
> I'm so sorry. I was going to write something about whether our spouses were supportive of us in our treatments and I find I'm rather speechless.
>
> I thought I was alone in this precarious boat.
>
> ClearSkiesI'm sorry. Hey, look- there's a lighthouse over there, you think we can take over the oars for a bit and make it to a safe harbor? When this fog clears. tippy. and when it tips too far my feet get sodden and cold. who's holding the oars anyways? or is it a sailboat. I'm so confused.
A regatta?
I'll stop with stoopid boat metaphors now. I just wish that this never happened with anyone, much less ClearSkies (nice to have CS back, btw)
And this mental illness thing is on a continuum, and I'm not exactly sure that my husband is right smack in the "normal" range on all of those axes in the DSM-IV
love,
ll
Posted by LlurpsieNoodle on July 26, 2007, at 14:19:53
In reply to Re: I finally called my pdoc + T. big **triggers**, posted by slugdoo on July 26, 2007, at 13:35:04
> (((((((((((Llupsie))))))))))))))) I am so sorry you are feeling so bad. I am glad you reached out to T and your T is doing the right thing.
>
> As far as your DH, he is probably frusterated with the situation because he probably wants to help but doesn't know how really. Plus he might be feeling guility too , like it is all his fault you feel the way you do.
>Yeah, I guess there is a strong feeling of guilt, but he masks it so well with anger sometimes. I don't deal with anger. It makes me dissociate and take extended trips to lala land for self preservation. That's why I only had 2 things to say to husband last night. stay with me. hide the sharp knives.
he called me from work earlier, somewhat conciliatory in his tone, and said that he had hidden them in a good place. I'm too zoned out to go and look.
-Ll
Posted by LlurpsieNoodle on July 26, 2007, at 14:45:00
In reply to Re: I finally called my pdoc + T. big **triggers**, posted by LlurpsieNoodle on July 26, 2007, at 13:55:08
Posted by gardenergirl on July 26, 2007, at 18:14:49
In reply to I finally called my pdoc + T. big **triggers**, posted by LlurpsieNoodle on July 26, 2007, at 11:11:36
I just have a sec now, but sending hugs your way. I'm sorry it's such a struggle.
(((((llurps))))
gg
Posted by Honore on July 26, 2007, at 19:06:25
In reply to Re: I finally called my pdoc + T. big **triggers** » LlurpsieNoodle, posted by gardenergirl on July 26, 2007, at 18:14:49
Me, too--what gg said. I've been so busy and just came to babble.
I'm terribly sorry that your H couldn't handle the stress and other emotions better, but I think you were amazingly understanding, given everything.
I find that so very hopeful, if hard to fathom how you found the strength for it.
You've got to do whatever you need to for the time being--including the Hosp. if that's the safest place. I don't understand your pdoc's position, though, that you don't have options. There are always options-- if a pdoc knows them-- so I have to believe he either is a bit too inflexible & unwilling to try things, or doesn't know enough to be your pdoc. Thank goodness he reduced the geodon.
Maybe you'll have luck in talking to him about what you know of your own. I very much hope he listens.
If not, there are other pdocs-- and you'll find a better, more well-suited, one.
I'll be around later.
((((Llurpsie))))
Posted by OzLand on July 26, 2007, at 22:15:23
In reply to Re: I finally called my pdoc + T. big **triggers**, posted by LlurpsieNoodle on July 26, 2007, at 13:55:08
Happened to me too; husband drove me to hospital and then said to doctor, I can't deal with her at home. So, into the hospital I went.
I think your husband may be scared and does not know what to do. He may think doing what you want him to do might be the wrong thing, and he gets angry with doctors because he does not understand that what took years to develop under the surface cannot be "cured" overnight. We all wish it could be. Also, like me, you have the degree that says you should be able to handle anything. Bull; that's not true either of course. So, what might you do to help yourself rather than suffer??? I care.
OzLand
Posted by muffled on July 26, 2007, at 22:51:56
In reply to I finally called my pdoc + T. big **triggers**, posted by LlurpsieNoodle on July 26, 2007, at 11:11:36
Glad you hanging in there LL.
Glad you realizing you DO know bout meds and your reaction to them and that you do have a say in stuff.
I'm so sorry bout hubby. Guess he's proly pretty freaked out. I had a thot, mebbe you could purchase a lock box, or a lock for a cupboard door, and when you know things are shakey, lock up all 'implements' yourself, then all you would have to do is give hubby the key.
Last night sounds like a hellish nightmare :-( I'm so sorry that you went thru that, but I am pleased you fought for survival. You got spunk LL.
I'm so sorry, you asked for help....from hubby, and didn't get it. Sh*t that sucks. Thats sucks bad.
But I'm glad you can cut down on the geodon. Sigh. Good old withdrawl...but babble is her for you to talk to. Yeah, and there's some seriously smart people on p-babble. So you'll proly get some advice there. And you got plenty of smarts yourself.
I kinda all mucked in my head at the moment so this is a bit incoherant. Just I am SO sorry for the nightmare night :-( but I am glad for the strength that you so obviously have.
Blessings to you LL
((((LL))))
Muffled
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