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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 20 of 20. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by sleepygirl on October 3, 2006, at 21:44:01
I'm curious about this
curiouser and curiouserI know that in my early teens I developed some wicked uncomfortable obsessions/ruminations/compulsions, anxiety (but heck I always had that), depression/moodiness/irritability
I'd say that was awful...and perhaps I've simply "learned" to deal with it, adapted perhaps?
I was "ill" - I can say that without much question
...so I guess what I'm wondering is how people came to understand their "illnesses/symptoms"?
any thoughts?I wonder
Posted by pegasus on October 3, 2006, at 22:24:49
In reply to at what age did many people start to feel ill?.., posted by sleepygirl on October 3, 2006, at 21:44:01
Interesting question.
For me, I think I thought my experience was pretty normal until I really stopped functioning during a major depressive episode when I was about 23. But in retrospect, I can see that I had at least two major depressive episode before that. And I wasn't functioning much during those, either. But they were associated with big life events, so I thought I was just having a reaction that was in the range of normal. But I guess even at that time, I knew it was a lot harder for me than for other people. So, I knew and I didn't know that I had a problem.
And I think my understanding that my obsessions and anxiety were beyond normal happened gradually over almost 20 years. I didn't really get it until my mid 30s, when I finally had to seek professional help or start losing important things in my life. And even then, I didn't *really* get it until I found a medication that made me feel truly normal. Then it was like this amazing light was shed on my experience up to that point, and I actually felt happy and fully functional for the first time.
Long answer to a short question. I guess the short answer is that I had these problems all along, since childhood, but only realized it gradually over many years.
p
Posted by annierose on October 3, 2006, at 22:30:02
In reply to at what age did many people start to feel ill?.., posted by sleepygirl on October 3, 2006, at 21:44:01
I was in 8th grade when I first knew I needed help. Facing the lunch room everyday at school prompted so much anxiety that I would faint or get ill. I barely attended the two classes after lunch.
The sad thing about it --- my mom took me to a doctor to find out why I kept passing out. After running all sorts of tests, the dr. told her I was "fine" but could probably benefit from some sort of counseling. My mom told me in the car, "If you don't stop passing out, you will have to go to a shrink!" As if that was a punishment. So I decided then and there to keep my unhappiness a secret. Then as soon as I graduated college, almost a week later, I got professional help for myself.
Posted by Jost on October 3, 2006, at 22:51:20
In reply to Re: at what age did many people start to feel ill?.. » sleepygirl, posted by annierose on October 3, 2006, at 22:30:02
I definitely got depressed on June 23, of the year that I was fourteen. We moved from where I'd lived from the ages of seven to fourteen.
I got so depressed in the car on the move to where we were going to live, that I was aware of it and remember it.
The night before, at dinner, I wasn't at all hungry-- which was untypical of me at that age-- and didn't eat anything. The next day, when we got to where we were moving, I was so depressed that I hardly went out of the house until Sept. or whenever school started.
Every day that whole year (the next three years actually), I had to actually force myself to walk into the school, in the morning, I hated it so much.
Jost
Posted by Racer on October 4, 2006, at 2:02:30
In reply to Re: at what age did many people start to feel ill? » annierose, posted by Jost on October 3, 2006, at 22:51:20
If you'd asked me a year ago, I'd have said I had my first depressive episode when I was about 12 or 13. And that might have been mostly true -- for depression.
My current T, though, has pointed out things I would never have thought out of the ordinary: Until I was about 8 or 9, I had Right socks and Left socks, and WOULD NOT put on socks if I couldn't figure out which was which. (That was based around the label in the socks.) I have to do most things a certain number of times, lots of weird number things, just weird things that I wouldn't have realized were weird. Turns out, I've had OCD symptoms since early, early childhood. ADHD type things, too.
And I was hit by a car when I was 4, and for years afterwards, every night as I was going to sleep I would repeat the things I heard the doctors saying while I was in surgery. I couldn't sleep if I didn't do that. And if I made a mistake, I'd have to start over again at the beginning.
And my eating disorder certainly started in earnest when I was about 14, but there were food related things that I know now are often precursors. For one thing, I would NEVER eat something I didn't want to eat. I missed a fair number of meals over the years, because someone would tell my mother that she shouldn't give me anything else -- "if she's hungry, she'll eat it." Uh... I've never yet been hungry enough to eat something not on my limited list of "edible" foods. (In fact, as I get hungrier, I also get pickier.)
In my case, rather like AnnieRose's, there was a distinct period when I really needed and could have benefitted from help. People even recognized that I needed help -- just, no one did anything. Unlike AnnieRose, though, I wasn't passing out. I did have weird physical things, but my mother has this anti-doctor thing so I didn't get anything like effective treatment for those. Especially since Mother thought most of them were psychosomatic. (Uh, so ignoring them will fix them?) Mostly, though, I was very clearly depressed and in big trouble.
Sometimes, now, I look back and think, "Damn it to hell -- WHY didn't anyone DO anything?" Of course I was in trouble -- I wasn't safe at home, I wasn't sleeping, I wasn't safe at school. The only place I felt safe at all was at the barn, and that's probably the least safe place I was. (In the middle of a public park, lots of time spent alone in that park, walking home, etc. There were kidnappings, attacks, rapes in that park. I was just lucky there.)
Most of my life, though, I've looked pretty normal. Too thin, sometimes; too fat when I'm on medication. But I hide the fears, mostly, even when that's not in my best interest.
OK -- now I'm rambling. Short answer: I've been experiencing depression since I was about 12. OCD/ADHD stuff from much earlier.
Posted by Dinah on October 4, 2006, at 10:08:15
In reply to at what age did many people start to feel ill?.., posted by sleepygirl on October 3, 2006, at 21:44:01
My world crashed in sixth grade, and I crashed with it. I spent the year of 1974 in therapy on heavy medication. I pretended to get better, and people bought it. I was blissfully happy in tenth and twelth grades. And I functioned reasonably well from tenth grade to my early thirties after my marriage.
The stresses of being an adult in the real world got to me. And my husband's perfectionism probably fed my always present OCD, and I started having panic attacks and sought therapy. I almost graduated a few times in that first year, then crashed in postpartum depression. I think I've never been quite right after that. It was my third bout of major depression. I took AD's for the first time after my son quit breast feeding, and I'm sure they messed up my brain, although I could be wrong.
That being said, I was always a somewhat anxious and sensitive (and quirky) child with moderate interpersonal difficulties. And after sixth grade I was left with a lot of OCD stuff and really was not ok. I just functioned ok.
Posted by pseudoname on October 4, 2006, at 11:14:40
In reply to at what age did many people start to feel ill?.., posted by sleepygirl on October 3, 2006, at 21:44:01
Posted by wishingstar on October 4, 2006, at 12:29:46
In reply to Re: at what age did many people start to feel ill? » sleepygirl, posted by Dinah on October 4, 2006, at 10:08:15
That is an interesting question. For me, I think things really hit when I was about 16, the summer before my junior year of high school. I had a fairly serious jaw surgery that spring and was unable to eat or speak well for 6 weeks. I vividly remember laying on my parents couch a week or so after surgery and thinking for the first time that I could just kill myself, although then it was more frustration with my situation than a true depression I think. But from that point, it went downhill and by September of my junior year, I was not functiniong. Went from straight As to Cs, dropped off my schools athletic team, etc. That's also the time my SI really took off. The rest of high school followed that same pattern.
I do remember, even as a young child, having some minor OCD tendancies though. I have a clear memory of being in Las Vegas (I'm from the east) when I was probably 6 or 7 and stepping on the edge of a stair "wrong". I commented to my mother that I hated having to always even those things out (step "wrong" on the other foot to make it "even") and I remember being surprised when she didnt know what I meant. I still have some minor OCD tendancies today, but nothing I've ever been treated for.
Posted by Poet on October 4, 2006, at 12:59:30
In reply to at what age did many people start to feel ill?.., posted by sleepygirl on October 3, 2006, at 21:44:01
I remember being scared to be in kindergarten I didn't want to play with the other kids. I just wanted to be alone so I could hide. Back then it was written off as shyness.
At 14 something happened to me that caused my grades to drop to Cs and Ds and I started using food for comfort and fasting to lose the weight I gained.
I've probably been dysthymic since I was little, but didn't go into a major depression until I was 18.
Actively bulimic- bingeing and purging at age 20.
I didn't seek help for any of this until I was 44. I don't talk about my childhood in therapy anymore, but if I did I'm sure there's other things for other ages that should be factored in.
Poet
Posted by pseudoname on October 4, 2006, at 13:30:38
In reply to Re: at what age did many people start to feel ill?.., posted by Poet on October 4, 2006, at 12:59:30
> I didn't seek help for any of this until I was 44.
You're OVER 44?! No way. No way!
Posted by Racer on October 4, 2006, at 14:52:20
In reply to Re: at what age did many people start to feel ill?.., posted by Poet on October 4, 2006, at 12:59:30
> I remember being scared to be in kindergarten I didn't want to play with the other kids. I just wanted to be alone so I could hide. Back then it was written off as shyness.
>
>Hm...
When I started kindergarten, I still couldn't walk much, and couldn't sit on the floor for "story time" like the other kids -- and you can imagine how much running around I could do at recess, right? I can't remember if I was anxious about the other kids or not -- I just know that I couldn't do the things they did, and I couldn't play with them at recess, and I felt left out when I saw them running around. And running games were what everyone did.
So, maybe some of it started earlier for me, too, but the accident masked it?
Posted by Lindenblüte on October 4, 2006, at 15:02:47
In reply to Re: at what age did many people start to feel ill? » Poet, posted by Racer on October 4, 2006, at 14:52:20
When I was five, I used to make myself bleed so that I could go to the school nurse. I did this many times. We became good friends.
I had a lot of shyness and problems going to school when I was in 3rd-5th grade. My mom could always motivate me by telling me that I needed to speak with the guidance counselor (in retrospect, probably a kindred spirit, but a man, and therefore terrifying)
In 6th grade, I gained 70 lbs, and this is probably when my terrible body image stuff started.
I had my first bout of stagefright when I was in 2nd grade, but a true panic attack-stage-fright when I was in 7th grade.
In 9th grade, I realized I had severe intimacy issues with men.
In 11th grade, I told my good friend about being beaten regularly by my 19-year-old brother. I must have been feeling incredibly desparate by that time.
In 12th grade, I hatched my escape plot, and carried it out. Probably depressed and apathetic, but was that only "senioritis?"
When I was 21-22 some hints of disordered eating. never got into "clinical" range.
22 first major depression and first suicidal urges
27 second major depression
all along- lots of anxiety and particularly stage-fright acute anxiety attacks. Also incredible anxiety with romantic relationships with men (but not women!)
-Li
wow! I should print this out- never thought about this in such depth before!
Posted by Jost on October 4, 2006, at 18:19:18
In reply to Re: at what age did many people start to feel ill? » Racer, posted by Lindenblüte on October 4, 2006, at 15:02:47
In sixth grade everybody hated me. Insofar as kids actually hate someone they hardly know who's in their class, that is.
In seventh grade, I went to a new school. We had to memorize a poem. I memorized a poem by John Donne (yuck but anyway). When I got to class, I realized that everyone else had memorized poems like well-- not sure like what, but definitely not like John Donne.
Got up to recite poem (teacher noticing that I was frantically trying to avoid being asked to recite, left me to last)-- I actually couldn't say a word. I mean I didn't want to, but what surprised me beyond all reason was that I actually couldn't say anything. I think two small tears trickled down my face, and I stood there for a while without saying anything, until the teacher told me to sit down.
Gee, I can't imagine having that happen to me now. Ohyeah, guess that's why I dont have a job.
Bummer.
Jost
Posted by Gee on October 4, 2006, at 19:28:24
In reply to Re: at what age did many people start to feel ill? » Lindenblüte, posted by Jost on October 4, 2006, at 18:19:18
I was looking back in my diary and when I was in grade 4 or 5 I wrote that I wanted to die, and I had it all planned out. Scarey for being so young. I was bullied a lot, and I had a lot of ADD tendencies, which were finally diagnosed this summer. In grade 11 I did a report on depression for psych class and i couldn't believe how many symptoms I had. My psych teacher realised this in my writing and sent me to the councellor. I saw the mental helth councillor for my last two years in highschool (well and for my first year of college and now whenever I'm back home). My mom found out that I was seeing here about half a year later, and she told me I had to choose whether or not I wanted to do "this" to the family. She know understands that there's not a whole lot I can do about it, and she's trying to be supportive. For me, it's a HUGE genetic thing. And they also had a really bad experience with my aunt when she was a teen.
I often get mad that no one noticed earlier. I was having a lot of problems in elementary school, and I got a ride everyday to school with the school councellor, and she kinda knew, but she didn't do anything. I hope that I've learned from what I had to go through, and I hope that someday I'll be able to help other kids like me.
Posted by pegasus on October 4, 2006, at 19:31:44
In reply to at what age did many people start to feel ill?.., posted by sleepygirl on October 3, 2006, at 21:44:01
Posted by Poet on October 4, 2006, at 19:48:24
In reply to What?! » Poet, posted by pseudoname on October 4, 2006, at 13:30:38
Hi Pseudoname,
Blush, 'fraid so.
You weren't at the shoe museum in Toronro were you? They had shoes that go with Chinese astrology. Larry, Falls, Deneb and I are all Roosters. Three out of four of us were born the same year, I think it's obvious who the youngster rooster is.
That I look younger than I am is a bit of self esteem that I hang onto tightly. I hope it lasts since I can't afford surgery.
Poet
Posted by Poet on October 4, 2006, at 19:49:32
In reply to Re: at what age did many people start to feel ill? » Poet, posted by Racer on October 4, 2006, at 14:52:20
Hi Racer,
I was clumsy and bad at games, so I would have hid with you at recess.
Poet
Posted by ElaineM on October 4, 2006, at 20:26:56
In reply to Re: at what age did many people start to feel ill?.. » sleepygirl, posted by annierose on October 3, 2006, at 22:30:02
I've always been very anxious and shy. I was born very premature and spent my first two and a half months in an incubator. Some pdocs have said that that was relevant, but I'm not sure. The very first memory I have was when I was five or six I bit a chunk out of my own arm in the coat room, then went and told the teacher that someone had attacked me. She asked who, but I felt too bad to name someone so I said that I forgot. I think I wanted her to hug me.
From then on, whenever bruises from my parents weren't visable (and they purposely never were), I'd punch myself in the face or the arms. Ever since I can remember I've always wanted black eyes. I guess so it'd be easier for someone to notice, and save me. I always used to go home at night and cry because I wanted to live with my teachers. LadyT thinks I've always had GAD, and seperation anxiety (which sounds weird cause I should've wanted to run away from my parents, instead I've always felt like there was no choice but to stay near, and that away would've been even more dangerous) When I was six or seven an older kid in the neighbourhood trapped me in the corner of their backyard with hedge shears and told me they were gonna kill me - explained it graphically over and over while snapping the blades. They said that there was no point in screaming cause I'd be dead before anyone got there. I remember crying violently but silently, and saying over and over, "I'm not scared. I don't care even care if I die.", even though I was petrified -- I wanted to trick them into letting me go. It lasted only about ten minutes (and this is not what I blame the majority of my anxeity issues on) but I think it made me believe that my parents terror was somehow safer than outsider terror.
-The BDD/OCD stuff (whatever they want to call it) started maybe around age 10. **being depressed seemed base-line for me, it was this issue that sent off alarm signals in my head
-My first major depression and suicidal ideation was grade 9. I was on watch by the guidance staff at school cause my friends found some of my writing and took it to the principal.
-First year university was another depression.
-Age twenty I developed food issues for the first time ever. I'd never even dieted before that. Within the year I was hospitalized for round one. I self-harmed for the first time just before the hospital, and it's grown weirder ever since. Two more hospital admissions came after that. During the second stay I developed a really strange psych. symptom (but it would be too identifying to say cause it's rare. They had a researcher ask for my file to include stuff in her book. -- it's completely gone now though) It has been the fall-out after the anorexia that has me scared and hopeless. (Before, I always had hope that time would fix me, just cause life was supposed to happen when you got older.)
-I've always had intimacy issues. (but talking about this issue, and why it is so, is something I don't do)
I knew around age 14 or so that I needed major help and some sort of tranquilizer to function in public. But how do you get help so young when your family's vehemently against feelings/speaking/honesty/psychiatry? By the time I was old enough to organize it myself, I was too paralysed and terrified and slightly agoraphobic. I kinda think the anorexia came out partly to give myself permission to ask for help -- you know, to have a "real" visible reason.
It's hard not to think, "If only..."
Posted by Deneb on October 4, 2006, at 20:44:28
In reply to at what age did many people start to feel ill?.., posted by sleepygirl on October 3, 2006, at 21:44:01
I have a really bad memory of how old I was when certain things happened, but I'll try to estimate.
I was really anxious as a child, like from 4-13 or something. I had an insecure attachment to my Mom. I had horrible panic attacks.
Then the panic attacks stopped a while after I moved to Canada. I think I was 13.
I've always been socially anxious, so I guess I've had that my entire life.
Then when I was 18, I went insane. Now sure what caused it. My high school contacted my parents because I told the guidance counsellor I'd experimented with hanging myself. I was cutting myself and I got really paranoid. That was really scary, I thought everyone was against me. I was also super happy, then super depressed. I was obsessed with suicide methods.
Anyways, I've spent the last 6 years trying to fully recover from that episode. I'm mostly ok now, except for once in a while. Just my luck though, to go insane at such a crucial time in my life.
Deneb*
Posted by kerria on October 15, 2006, at 0:16:49
In reply to at what age did many people start to feel ill?.., posted by sleepygirl on October 3, 2006, at 21:44:01
Hi Sleepygirl,
do you mean ill- with emotional problems? i'm coming in late on this question, in case you're still checking answers, what people think-
i was about fifteen when i first began to see a psychotherapist. My mother noticed something was wrong. When i think back i don't remember much about why- except i did things totally out of my personality. After i saw the T for a month or so he wanted me to come twice a week. i got really scared at my appt there when the T in the next door office had a family - parents and kid about my age - they had a big fight that spilled into my therapy session- the kid was really upset and they were running after him. Maybe i stopped going after that-- also i don't think my mother could afford twice a week. i was so nervous that what i said would be told to my parents too.remember having parts come and change my life, change schools - having so many opposites in my life, shy and an 'A' student but managed to get thrown out of school, running away from home and things that now i would think a teenager was really troubled would do. i was dx with DID as an adult- much later - but i can think of parts that are here now- just like then- they're with me the same. They haven't grown up like the adult parts have.
What got you thinking about this? Just curious.
maybe my answer doesn't count because it's a trauma disorder.Take care,
kerria
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