Posted by ElaineM on October 4, 2006, at 20:26:56
In reply to Re: at what age did many people start to feel ill?.. » sleepygirl, posted by annierose on October 3, 2006, at 22:30:02
I've always been very anxious and shy. I was born very premature and spent my first two and a half months in an incubator. Some pdocs have said that that was relevant, but I'm not sure. The very first memory I have was when I was five or six I bit a chunk out of my own arm in the coat room, then went and told the teacher that someone had attacked me. She asked who, but I felt too bad to name someone so I said that I forgot. I think I wanted her to hug me.
From then on, whenever bruises from my parents weren't visable (and they purposely never were), I'd punch myself in the face or the arms. Ever since I can remember I've always wanted black eyes. I guess so it'd be easier for someone to notice, and save me. I always used to go home at night and cry because I wanted to live with my teachers. LadyT thinks I've always had GAD, and seperation anxiety (which sounds weird cause I should've wanted to run away from my parents, instead I've always felt like there was no choice but to stay near, and that away would've been even more dangerous) When I was six or seven an older kid in the neighbourhood trapped me in the corner of their backyard with hedge shears and told me they were gonna kill me - explained it graphically over and over while snapping the blades. They said that there was no point in screaming cause I'd be dead before anyone got there. I remember crying violently but silently, and saying over and over, "I'm not scared. I don't care even care if I die.", even though I was petrified -- I wanted to trick them into letting me go. It lasted only about ten minutes (and this is not what I blame the majority of my anxeity issues on) but I think it made me believe that my parents terror was somehow safer than outsider terror.
-The BDD/OCD stuff (whatever they want to call it) started maybe around age 10. **being depressed seemed base-line for me, it was this issue that sent off alarm signals in my head
-My first major depression and suicidal ideation was grade 9. I was on watch by the guidance staff at school cause my friends found some of my writing and took it to the principal.
-First year university was another depression.
-Age twenty I developed food issues for the first time ever. I'd never even dieted before that. Within the year I was hospitalized for round one. I self-harmed for the first time just before the hospital, and it's grown weirder ever since. Two more hospital admissions came after that. During the second stay I developed a really strange psych. symptom (but it would be too identifying to say cause it's rare. They had a researcher ask for my file to include stuff in her book. -- it's completely gone now though) It has been the fall-out after the anorexia that has me scared and hopeless. (Before, I always had hope that time would fix me, just cause life was supposed to happen when you got older.)
-I've always had intimacy issues. (but talking about this issue, and why it is so, is something I don't do)
I knew around age 14 or so that I needed major help and some sort of tranquilizer to function in public. But how do you get help so young when your family's vehemently against feelings/speaking/honesty/psychiatry? By the time I was old enough to organize it myself, I was too paralysed and terrified and slightly agoraphobic. I kinda think the anorexia came out partly to give myself permission to ask for help -- you know, to have a "real" visible reason.
It's hard not to think, "If only..."
poster:ElaineM
thread:691655
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060926/msgs/691903.html