![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 24 of 24. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by luvdove on September 7, 2005, at 6:11:01
Hi I'm a newbie round here, feel bit nervous posting but I am SO GLAD I found this website!!! My god I never realised there were so many people in therapy who had similar feelings as me! anyway my question...
Have you ever got a hug from your T? I've been seeing mine for about a year (twice a week) and there have been some very painful times where more than anything I've wanted - and felt I needed - a hug but then have got scared and ran off without asking... I know that its kinda against 'therapy rules' for the t to instigate it so the client/patient has to ask but it seems so humiliating... I don't know what my T's ideas are about touch etc (we shook hands at first session and thats been it) cause I think they're all different but can anyone relate to this stuff?? Wanting a hug but being terrified to ask for one? I know that if she said no I'd feel all rejected and yuck and that fear is enough to keep me from asking at this point... or even mentioning the subject.. but it's so frustrating! Any ideas personal experiences on hugging and/or wanting to would be sooo appreciated if anyone would like to share?
luv
Posted by rs on September 7, 2005, at 6:31:31
In reply to Hugs from T?, posted by luvdove on September 7, 2005, at 6:11:01
Hi.
This is a tough one. Some T IMO feel too much to risk. I really think it is how the T is. My former T that I saw for years would never even think of touch. But the one I see now has given me hugs and is ok with it. I have felt so comforted by this and helped much. There is nothing nothing romantic with my feelings for my T but just the hugs is felt like a way of support and caring here.
If your T does refuse please do not take it personally which I know I would. I would think that some T would worry about issues around touch etc.
Talk to your T about this might help.
Wish you the best on this and it is ok to feel like this. Hey I know here T is the first person that ever showed caring and trust in a safe way.
Posted by antigua on September 7, 2005, at 7:06:47
In reply to Hugs from T?, posted by luvdove on September 7, 2005, at 6:11:01
Try to ask for one so you won't want it so much, and then it gets in the way of therapy. I don't know when my T started giving them (years ago, I guess), but I think I asked first. Now she gives them spontaneously and sometimes surprises me by reaching out for me first.
If it is on your mind that much, please try to talk to your T.
Sometimes a hug (or we think anyway) is the only thing that can help.
good luck,
antigua
Posted by fairywings on September 7, 2005, at 9:24:22
In reply to Re: Hugs from T?, posted by antigua on September 7, 2005, at 7:06:47
I think sometimes it depends on if its a female client male T, or female client female T (or other combo, you know...) I would never feel comfortable asking for one from a male T, but when the kids had a female T, and she did family therapy with us, she was so personable, and we were in her home, and we met her husband and dogs, and she asked me to do something with a group of hers - not therapy related, and I would just go up to the door and hug her. Didn't even give it a thought! It was like hugging an aunt. Funny how things work that way.
I guess if you want one, and it's on your mind, you might want to try to bring it up, and see what they say. Good discussion for therapy.
fw
Posted by LadyBug on September 7, 2005, at 9:29:43
In reply to Re: Hugs from T?, posted by antigua on September 7, 2005, at 7:06:47
My T. has given me 2 hugs in over 8 years. And that was because I caught her off guard as I was walking out her door. She won't give me a hug now under any circumstance, no matter how much pain I'm in. The best she could do one time is offer her hand, not in a hand shake either. It makes me mad sometimes, but I've gotten to know the rule.
LadyBug
Posted by caraher on September 7, 2005, at 11:29:55
In reply to Re: Hugs from T?, posted by LadyBug on September 7, 2005, at 9:29:43
I had exactly 1 hug, the very last time I saw my T, and zero from any of the ones I had before. I never asked for one, either, and wouldn't want to push whatever boundaries s/he felt suitable.
But if it really is weighing heavily on your mind I agree that you should get it out in the open. I suggest that rather than flat-out asking for a hug you ask instead whether your T would consider hugging inappropriate in your therapy relationship. That would be better than simply asking at a moment when you feel you need it (and therefore are emotionally more fragile and less likely to take a refusal in stride, no matter how gently your T delivers it.
Posted by happyflower on September 7, 2005, at 11:38:33
In reply to Hugs from T?, posted by luvdove on September 7, 2005, at 6:11:01
I remember asking my T about hugs. I wanted to know if I feel apart emotionally in front of him what would he do. I think it went back to trust issues for me. I was never allowed to cry as a kid even during abuse. Plus I was never hugged either. But as an adult and because of my DH family, I am a hugger but I still have trouble letting anyone other than my DH see me cry.
Well anyways when I asked him if he would hug me. He said no, I don't hug my clients unless it is little kids who want one or maybe at the end of therapy with some people. Then he asked me if it would even make me feel good. I was honest and I said yes. Then he dropped the subject.
He also said that most T's do not hug. He said a theraputic relationship is not a personal one, and if he hugged his clients it would blur the line. I have never even shaken his hand, but I don't think he would refuse that, but it would seem a little odd now anyways.
But I do think that since I know he won't comfort me that way, I have controlled my emotions and not cried even once with him. I haven't even come close to crying. I do that alone at home so I don't feel like I need to release it in therapy, because I do that at another time. Yes, I think if I did lose it, I would like him to at least hold me while I cry, but it isn't going to happen with him. I do find a lot of comfort in his words now. I find comfort in his openess and honesty with me. I think if he did hug me I would cry, I don't why, but it would cause me to. It would break down my defenses that I had in the beggining.
I have released my anger on him though. And it wasn't transferece it was directly at him and he knows it. It was probably one of the best sessions we have ever had. I think after that session he looked like he needed a hug! LOL
I think you have been with your T long enough, why not ask him what his rules are about it. But ask him before you want a hug, so you won't be hurt too much if he says no. Good luck, let us know what he says if you ask. :)
Posted by alexandra_k on September 7, 2005, at 19:41:09
In reply to Hugs from T?, posted by luvdove on September 7, 2005, at 6:11:01
yeah i think different t's have different policies on that one...
i would never ask for one from a male t. i might want one but i don't think that any good would come of it in the long run
my current t gives me a hug at the end of most sessions
i think it is because i was having a really hard time feeling attached to her
she offered when she came to visit me in hosipital... and then maybe a month or so after that she offered again... and then i got up the courage to ask. i hate asking. i just about fall through the floor with embarrassment. and i think i'd feel mortified if i was told 'no'. its kind of becoming a routine at the end of the session. i think in this context it is okay...
i think it is...
but t's have to be careful...
it is worth asking
but that being said...
i guess i'd never ask in a million years
just in case they say 'no'
and i think... after that i'd be too embarrased to go back
and i know that is irrational
<sigh>
but there it is
Posted by fairywings on September 7, 2005, at 20:23:25
In reply to Re: Hugs from T? » luvdove, posted by alexandra_k on September 7, 2005, at 19:41:09
Posted by alexandra_k on September 7, 2005, at 20:37:26
In reply to Re: ((((hug for you Alex from fw)))) (nm) » alexandra_k, posted by fairywings on September 7, 2005, at 20:23:25
and one for (((luvdove))) too of course :-)
Posted by luvdove on September 7, 2005, at 23:16:43
In reply to Re: Hugs from T?, posted by LadyBug on September 7, 2005, at 9:29:43
Thanks for sharing ladybug, 2 hugs in over 8 years??!! What do you mean she won't give you one under any circumstance? Like why not? Have you talked about it and she's decided it's not a good idea or something? And when you say you caught her off guard do you mean that you just hugged her? What did she do? I'm so sorry if I sound nosey, I'm just trying to picture this scenario. It's annoying all the 'rules', that paradox between personal/professional can be soo dificult at times. Hope you don't mind sharing about it
luv
Posted by luvdove on September 7, 2005, at 23:21:09
In reply to Re: Hugs from T?, posted by caraher on September 7, 2005, at 11:29:55
Thats good advice caraher, thank u! Asking about her thoughts as opposed to just asking for one.. I can imagine all her questions in response to my asking that.. like what would it mean for me if we were to do that etc etc. sometimes I hate how everything is 'grist for the mill' in therapy..
luv
Posted by luvdove on September 8, 2005, at 0:19:21
In reply to Re: Hugs from T?, posted by happyflower on September 7, 2005, at 11:38:33
wow so you asked and he said no! ouch.. I can almost understand that a male T would need to put boundaries there, maybe partly out of paranoia that it might be perceived as sexual. In fact I'm surprised at how many people on here have male T's!!! I see a woman and I wouldn't want it any other way...
It's odd what your T said about it not being a 'personal' relationship cause we tell them our deepest darkest secrets/fears/feelings etc! I'm similar to you in that I don't do crying in therapy.. it's not that I don't want to or need to, they just don't come when I'm there, it's never happened. I cry when I'm by myself, and sometimes I think that if my T could personalise the whole thing just a little bit, then I might be able to reach some of those feelings when I'm with her. You said you'd cry if your T hugged you and I think I would too! Maybe thats why I want one, because I want to bring my feelings in and just don't know how.. I take my rage and let that out though, like you, but no TEARS!!!
Luv
Posted by gardenergirl on September 8, 2005, at 23:40:48
In reply to Re: Hugs from T? » happyflower, posted by luvdove on September 8, 2005, at 0:19:21
Hi,
I just expressed how I wanted to be held/hugged recently. But I definitely didn't ASK. I just know the answer would be no. I can be sad about that all by myself, without even having to hear it. :(That said, I do feel emotionally held or hugged at times. It's almost as good as I would imagine being held by someone who is so emotionally honest, open, and caring would be.
gg
Posted by fairywings on September 9, 2005, at 7:50:24
In reply to Re: Hugs from T?, posted by gardenergirl on September 8, 2005, at 23:40:48
Interesting .... SO, will you ever consider giving hugs as a T when it's you own clients? I know everyone will be different, but would it ever be appropriate?
With our kids T, who also did family therapy with us, she and I hugged when she would greet us at the door, and I didn't give it a 2nd thought, it was like hugging an aunt. And I never for a second had transference of any kind, never had that with a woman T, don't know why that is. She was just delightful. But then again I wouldn't have wanted to do therapy with her, she was older and too prim and proper for my issues.
fw
Posted by gardenergirl on September 9, 2005, at 11:00:43
In reply to Re: Hugs from T? » gardenergirl, posted by fairywings on September 9, 2005, at 7:50:24
I have on rare occasions given hugs. Usually at the end of our time together (termination) or afer a particularly difficult session.
It's not the norm for me, but so far the few times have all felt like the right thing to do.
gg
Posted by Blossom on September 9, 2005, at 19:25:01
In reply to Re: Hugs from T? » fairywings, posted by gardenergirl on September 9, 2005, at 11:00:43
The first time I got a hug from my T, I stole it! I had just finished talking with him about a horrible plane crash in my small hometown, some of the victims of which I had known, and since both I and my husband are commercial pilots, it shook us both up pretty badly. Afterward, he extended his hand to shake mine (the most physically intimate gesture he had ever offered). I grabbed it, and without even thinking, pulled him toward me and gave him a hug. I bet that was a surprise. So much for the rules! He didn't chide me, however. I guess it was obvious that I wasn't trying to do anything inappropriate, and at times like that when you're especially thinking about loss, you want the people you love to know how you feel about them.
Blossom
Posted by Dinah on September 9, 2005, at 20:03:43
In reply to Hugs from T?, posted by luvdove on September 7, 2005, at 6:11:01
I often bring these things up by saying that I read an interesting discussion about, say, hugging and therapists, and that it made me wonder what his thoughts on the subject might be. Of course, I also often do that about things I have no desire to do. He's perceptive enough to understand that I could be indirectly talking about myself and my own wishes or actions, and he answers with that in mind. Sometimes it's sort of funny, because it really isn't about me. But other times, it gives me courage because I know what his policies are then.
I started asking for handshakes after eight(?) or so years of therapy. He gave them without comment, and eventually I told him what my reasons were. He had already known. :) After ten years, I asked for a hug, and he said that after ten years, asking for a hug was reason enough to give it.
That being said, I found it far less satisfying than being emotionally held.
Welcome to Babble!
Posted by fairywings on September 9, 2005, at 20:17:14
In reply to Re: Hugs from T? » fairywings, posted by gardenergirl on September 9, 2005, at 11:00:43
Posted by alexandra_k on September 10, 2005, at 15:49:38
In reply to Re: Hugs from T? » luvdove, posted by Dinah on September 9, 2005, at 20:03:43
uh. its not really okay that my t hugs me, is it?
Posted by fairywings on September 10, 2005, at 21:17:03
In reply to Re: Hugs from T?, posted by alexandra_k on September 10, 2005, at 15:49:38
> uh. its not really okay that my t hugs me, is it?
if it feels okay, then it probably is okay alex. i think there's a a hug of reassurance that can be given to some people safely, and you are probably one who can accept a hug and not blur the boundaries, and i'm sure your T knows you well enough to know you wouldn't.
fw
Posted by gardenergirl on September 10, 2005, at 22:05:08
In reply to Re: Hugs from T?, posted by fairywings on September 10, 2005, at 21:17:03
I agree, if it feels okay to you and it's not confusing, it's fine.
(((alexandra)))
Hope that's okay.
gg
Posted by Dinah on September 11, 2005, at 8:01:14
In reply to Re: Hugs from T?, posted by alexandra_k on September 10, 2005, at 15:49:38
I don't see why not, unless it feels bad to you. Therapists differ widely on this, and unfortunately are a bit scared of the litigious environment in the US. It doesn't mean it's not therapeutic to hug.
Posted by alexandra_k on September 11, 2005, at 15:21:31
In reply to Re: Hugs from T? » alexandra_k, posted by Dinah on September 11, 2005, at 8:01:14
Thanks. I was starting to worry. Yeah, I don't find it confusing - but I think I would have with some other t's who I have had.
This is the end of the thread.
Psycho-Babble Psychology | Extras | FAQ
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.org
Script revised: February 4, 2008
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/cgi-bin/pb/mget.pl
Copyright 2006-17 Robert Hsiung.
Owned and operated by Dr. Bob LLC and not the University of Chicago.