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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
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Posted by corafree on February 20, 2005, at 21:27:38
In reply to Re: Buckled @ Knees Thwarted Suicide Attempt » corafree, posted by Dinah on February 18, 2005, at 19:47:37
Hey again Dinah.
Did you answer and I missed it? See I am repeating myself here and there.
The IRL team? (IRL?) You will not hurt my feelings if there is something that I am not receiving w/ my therapy, that maybe I need.
againthanks, cf
Posted by corafree on February 20, 2005, at 21:40:45
In reply to Re: (((((Corafree))))) » corafree, posted by gardenergirl on February 20, 2005, at 6:51:26
Oh gg; Sun eve and feeling bad.
My mother spoke w/ me just a minute at my call two eves back. She started to talk down to me and I hung up on her. If she says something negative about me personally, I wouldn't be able to forget it.
She owns three properties here. One was my Dad's. It is in a 55+ park, a single wide. At this particular community, when I've been there, no one even comes out of their houses!
Today, as I was listening to classic rock; I don't think I'd fit in gg!!
See, the thing is, she bought it, she didn't like it, plainly wasn't good enough for her, and then my Dad bought it from her, but of course it is hers now.
When I called her, I said pls help me w/ some security mother; crying after Raina (my daughter and sweetest supporter) had just told me 'No more!'
I/m afraid my daughter, Raina, and her husband blame me for an early miscarriage a couple mos back.
GG, believe me, I don't know why, but I don't look my age, look early 40s ... pls don't think I'm being vain ... it's just weird - maybe because I haven't laughed enough in my life!
I am scared to feel I'm being put out to pasture.
(((((((gg))))))
I know you'll forgive my verbage, punctuation, etc.
You're the best. cf
Posted by fallsfall on February 20, 2005, at 22:26:18
In reply to Re: Buckled @ Knees Thwarted Suicide Attempt » fallsfall, posted by corafree on February 20, 2005, at 16:35:54
You can call the places to find out where you can be properly taken care of. I am certainly not advocating that you get admitted somewhere and *then* find out if you can take the Percocet. Clearly any benefits for your mental health would be undermined by the physical issues if you cannot continue the Percocet. I have to believe that there are places that can help you. Perhaps if you found a Partial Hospitalization program - where you would be home in the evenings, but have support during the day - you could be in charge of your own medications but still get the emotional help you need? I don't know. But somebody does. You could call your local NAMI (National Alliance for the Mentally Ill), perhaps they would know of a resource. Certainly ask every therapist and psychiatrist you meet with.
It is so clear that you want help. Your determination will be an invaluable resource.
Hoping you can find the answer,
Falls.P.S. IRL = In Real Life - meaning real people in your life, not online people
Posted by anastasia56 on February 20, 2005, at 22:57:39
In reply to Re: (((((Corafree))))) » gardenergirl, posted by corafree on February 20, 2005, at 21:40:45
i'm so sorry you are going thru this period. i thought i had read a long time ago that you were in phoenix. if that is indeed where you are phoenix has a program called "Access' which i believe is fairly all inclusive for lower income individuals. just thought i'd throw that out there just in case you live there.
ana
Posted by corafree on February 21, 2005, at 8:00:24
In reply to Re: Buckled @ Knees Thwarted Suicide Attempt » corafree, posted by fallsfall on February 20, 2005, at 22:26:18
Great ideas/explanation.
I do know of some partial hospitalization programs, and will give NAMI a call.
As far as IRL peeps (Where have I not been?), taking time to try properly express and/or correct myself is not one of my better skills. So, not a lot of 'IRL' going on here, and that brings interpersonal effectiveness to mind.
Maybe while reviewing my people skills, I'll rely on my determination to carry me forward.
Thank you so very much, cf
Posted by corafree on February 21, 2005, at 8:49:42
In reply to Re: (((((Corafree))))), posted by anastasia56 on February 20, 2005, at 22:57:39
THANKS ... and I have been sitting here so long; it's hot in here, so I can really feel that hug! cf
Posted by Dinah on February 21, 2005, at 19:05:41
In reply to Re: Buckled @ Knees Thwarted Suicide Attempt » Dinah, posted by corafree on February 20, 2005, at 21:27:38
Sorry, I haven't been online much.
IRL = in real life
As much as we want to help you as much as we can, in an emergency online help just isn't enough - as I'm sure you know. You need your doctor and DBT therapist on your side. If your DBT therapist doesn't allow any outside calls, she's not following DBT procedure very well. Under Linehan's model all clients need both the DBT team leader and a personal therapist for just this reason.
Your daughter loves you very much, you know. If she didn't she wouldn't be this upset.
Posted by corafree on February 21, 2005, at 19:48:37
In reply to Re: Buckled @ Knees Thwarted Suicide Attempt » corafree, posted by Dinah on February 21, 2005, at 19:05:41
Guess you saw where I posted re: my State P. He is only there to write meds, the words from the mouth of my caseworker today. I am in my 7th mo DBT, prob' missed 4 or 5 visits with T or Group in total. I did call her today. I told her that it was hindering my desire to go and learn; her constantly nagging at me about attendance and being kicked out, but told this to her answering machine. This afternoon and eve I have had a nonstop, severe, anxiety attack; hard to type. Called caseworker again. He is going to schedule an appt w/ a P, but they do not know you there, they just look at your dx and write meds. I think that I have a may have, subconsiously, an angry or fearful attitude towards these people that I need help from ... and know I'm going to be seeing both in next few days, may be causing this horrible, disabling anxiety ... I can hear and feel my heart, whole body shaking, hot, then cold, gasping for big gulps or air, and I wrap my arms around my ribcage tightly to try stop the feeling my heart will literally break out! Xanax is not working. Dang Eff-XR - don't know what it's doing. Only other thing I take during day is 75mg levothyroxine - could it be too much? Dinah - Not asking you to answer all these questions/ideas ... just needed to get out and all I can do is hypothesize. Something is so wrong. I wish I could afford to get off this State health system. Yep, pretty sure I am not very happy w/ P or T! Did not call NAMI, forgot, but will tomorrow. Tks for concern this eve, cf
Posted by fallsfall on February 21, 2005, at 20:55:39
In reply to Re: Buckled @ Knees Thwarted Suicide Attempt » Dinah, posted by corafree on February 21, 2005, at 19:48:37
It sounds like you are trying so hard!! I hope that things can get easier for you soon.
Please consider reading "Cognitive-Behavioral Treatment of Borderline Personality Disorder". You are very aware of *what* is going on with you, and this book could help you to understand *why*. Based on your posts, I don't think you would find it too hard to get through (but do feel free to skim the sections that feel over your head). Your local library isn't likely to have the book, but if you ask, they could get it through InterLibrary Loan for you.
The book explains things like why attendance is so important to DBT: The therapy can't help you if you aren't there. That's why they take such a hard line with it. I found that when I understood better *why* they were saying particular things that I fought less.
Keep in touch here, I'd like to know how things are going for you.
Posted by TammySue on February 22, 2005, at 9:55:59
In reply to Re: Buckled @ Knees Thwarted Suicide Attempt » Dinah, posted by corafree on February 21, 2005, at 19:48:37
cf,
I am new here, but I just had to write because I know the brutal feeling of being post-attempt--the depletion of body, soul and spirit--so please be gentle with yourself.I had limited experience with DBT but is a suicide attempt a "treatment-resistant behavior" that could get a person "kicked out"? I only had limited inpatient experience with DBT so I'm not sure but it seems to me that there are things about it that make it difficult to stay with it and be honest. but I might be remembering wrong . . .
I know it's far from easy but I hope that you can find people and a place to go to get real "flesh and bones" "IRL" support . . .
my prayers are with you (oops, am I allowed to say that here?!)
Tammy
Posted by Susan47 on February 22, 2005, at 10:31:44
In reply to Re: Buckled @ Knees Thwarted Suicide Attempt, posted by TammySue on February 22, 2005, at 9:55:59
...where are you sweetie? Are you okay right now? What's going on?
Posted by corafree on February 22, 2005, at 11:52:36
In reply to Corafree,, posted by Susan47 on February 22, 2005, at 10:31:44
Susan47:
Hi. I'm okay. I'm trying to find out what other resources may be available to me. I wonder if I will be dismissed from DBT today. I called to ask if I should prepare myself for that; awaiting return call.
The blazing high anxiety, think have figured out. In past, was up to 8 Xanax a day. Went to hospital and admitted myself for detox.
I think my body recognizes the Xanax and wants more, like it wants as much as it had before.
I will get an emergency P visit w/ I don't know who at this State organization.
Because my SSD benefit is $40 over poverty level, I cannot get a lot of benefits that are free to others, but I did qualify for a State health insurance that is not the one I speak of above.
I also will be calling them today to see if maybe I could squeeze out enough money to switch to their organization so that maybe could have a 'good relationship w/ a P and a T in the same organization.'
I cannot find the phone number for NAMI. I called directory assistance.
Didn't respond to earlier two posts yet, as have only one phone line.
I am concerned about Effexor-XR. I wonder what to do. I will not burden my daughter any further. I am very alone here. As I look back, when I was working, I was taking Effexor, plain Effexor. I may have been on a very low dose benzo. Situations around me brought me to seek SSD.
Do you, or anyone here, take Eff-XR, or took it? I cannot afford all the alternative drug therapy. I would 'practically' wish to be in a hospital and switch to WHAT??? WHAT would I switch to?
It seems like I am generally more anxious than I am depressed. I need to find someone who will really look at me, get to know me, and re-evaluate medication.
Today, see DBT T @ 3p mountain time. love, cf
(Oh, have decided to quit checking the 'add name of previous poster' box, as don't want peeps to feel they must respond to me. I wonder if anyone thinks that may be best, or if that has worked best for them?)
Posted by 10derHeart on February 22, 2005, at 13:34:41
In reply to Re: Buckled @ Knees Thwarted Suicide Attempt, posted by TammySue on February 22, 2005, at 9:55:59
TammySue,
Welcome to this board and Babble. I think yours is a good and caring post. And, yes, you are most certainly allowed to say you are praying for someone here.
All types of warm thoughts, positive vibes, prayers and other similar sentiments are appropriate and much appreciated, IMO.
Hope to "see" you often. - 10derHeart
Posted by 10derHeart on February 22, 2005, at 13:47:04
In reply to Re: Corafree,, posted by corafree on February 22, 2005, at 11:52:36
Cora,
I'm been unable to post (long story but okay now)but following this thread. You sound a bit better today, perhaps. Hang on, you are going to get past this hard part, I know.
From past experience, I don't think NAMI has a national number. It's all regional. I believe you said you're in the CST zone (me, too), but I don't know what state, or I'd have gotten the number. Here's a link to the map on NAMI's website.
http://www.nami.org/Template.cfm?section=your_local_NAMIClick on your state and you should get a good number for where you live. I can help more later, too. Any way I can. I am rushing off to a class now. You are in my prayers.
Posted by corafree on February 22, 2005, at 15:01:11
In reply to Re: Buckled @ Knees Thwarted Suicide Attempt » TammySue, posted by 10derHeart on February 22, 2005, at 13:34:41
I second that 10derheart! Nice to meet you TammySue.
I've never talked w/ either of you two; scared as I go out of the house to see my T (therapist), but you're all coming along w/ me in my heart.
cf
> TammySue,
>
> Welcome to this board and Babble. I think yours is a good and caring post. And, yes, you are most certainly allowed to say you are praying for someone here.
>
> All types of warm thoughts, positive vibes, prayers and other similar sentiments are appropriate and much appreciated, IMO.
>
> Hope to "see" you often. - 10derHeart
>
>
Posted by corafree on February 22, 2005, at 15:02:40
In reply to Re: Corafree, » corafree, posted by 10derHeart on February 22, 2005, at 13:47:04
Got it. TY! Mountain time down here. cf
Posted by corafree on February 22, 2005, at 20:01:24
In reply to Re: Buckled @ Knees Thwarted Suicide Attempt, posted by TammySue on February 22, 2005, at 9:55:59
Tammy:
Oh how relieved I am this eve. I did not get 'let go' from DBT. She said you must miss three appts in a row to be released from the program.
My T, a woman, was very concerned. I felt like she was even soul searching and reviewing her handling of 'attendance' reminders.
W/o your email, I don't think I would have known to ask her why she/they do this ... so thanks!
I felt, or what I heard from her, is they try to help us bring 'structure' to our lives, graduate, and then go on to whatever priority is next in our lives, while oftening a graduate group once a week. You may also request to repeat modules at the end of the four.
I was not scolded for my terrible mistake and she did not judge me. I am to fill out a 'chain of events' that 'bad eve' and find at what point I maybe could have changed my actions.
I really was prepared tks to your email. cf
Posted by Dinah on February 22, 2005, at 20:05:58
In reply to Re: Buckled @ Knees Thwarted Suicide Attempt, posted by corafree on February 22, 2005, at 20:01:24
I'm so glad it worked out better than you hoped.
So you have someone IRL on your side now. Isn't that a really good feeling?
Posted by fallsfall on February 22, 2005, at 22:08:47
In reply to Re: Buckled @ Knees Thwarted Suicide Attempt, posted by corafree on February 22, 2005, at 20:01:24
I'm so glad, Corafree.
Keep on going!
Posted by gardenergirl on February 24, 2005, at 9:01:33
In reply to Re: Buckled @ Knees Thwarted Suicide Attempt » corafree, posted by fallsfall on February 22, 2005, at 22:08:47
Hey sweetie, how are you doing today?
gg
Posted by corafree on February 25, 2005, at 14:07:14
In reply to ((((corafree)))), posted by gardenergirl on February 24, 2005, at 9:01:33
Gardender girl and anyone else I've not responded to, I apologize.
I'm fragile, but showered, had my hair washed and blown dry (it is too long and can't do w/ my back injury), packed a weekend, and am heading out east where my three children all live separately.
I've prob' lost 8lbs, making me about 100lbs, but I am 5'4". Anxiety just below the skin w/ a few strong attacks.
Unfortunately, unless I say I am suicidal, I cannot get hospitalization for a jump start. I considered Outpatient treatment and called my caseworker, but he and I agreed I probably cannot do the driving back and forth.
My insurance company cannot tell me where I could go and receive my Percocet at the same time. This, the Percocet, is another reason I don't do a lot of driving.
It's too bad that we 'must say we are suicidal', 'be suicidal', or have 'attempted suicide' to qualify for care.
I wonder, do only the rich have this luxury (as if it is a luxury!!)?
I plan to write a letter about this issue to the/my State insurance, the/my State mental health system, and send ccs to whomever it takes.
My SSD is just over poverty level, maybe I told you, so I do not qualify for 'free' care except @ State hospital. I am not bragging, believe me, but I have a high-functioning mental illness, and am sorely out of place in a this State hospital. I have seen the entry and a connected bathroom, and it is frightening and disgusting. I turned around and ran out of there.
I have the info you all have given me for resource. I did not yet contact NAMI, but will take that on very soon, a day I am feeling I can gather myself properly.
I am so glad I threw up. I think I threw up 'bad life issues', 'my tire of meds', 'grief, sadness, and anger.'
I am continuing my meds as presribed.
I would like to have more IRLs, but truly you are as close, and sometimes closer, in my life. As I write you, I am, myself, revisiting my issues and seeing myself. Sometimes talking, I do not listen to myself.
This weekend I'll try to listen to my children.
love and thanks all, cf
Posted by fallsfall on February 25, 2005, at 17:32:02
In reply to Re: Status Post Suicidal, posted by corafree on February 25, 2005, at 14:07:14
I'm glad to hear your update. You have done a lot of reaching out and considered many options - that is SO good.
I hope your visits with your children are peaceful and give you strength. I know that my children have kept me alive on my darkest days.
Let us know how you are doing.
Posted by gardenergirl on February 26, 2005, at 23:46:07
In reply to Re: Status Post Suicidal, posted by corafree on February 25, 2005, at 14:07:14
You sound like you are taking some good steps. I'm glad to hear it. And yes, the insurance system, including medicare and medicaid is sorely in need of some empathy and some cash. In equal measures, probably.
Hang in there sweetie. One step at a time.
gg
Posted by corafree on March 9, 2005, at 0:50:39
In reply to Re: Status Post Suicidal » corafree, posted by fallsfall on February 25, 2005, at 17:32:02
Hello again all. I am fine and wish all you are also.
I spent a few days at daughter's and then, all in a day, I crashed physically. I mean, I could think clearly, but could not stand easily, walked with a 'shuffle.'
I'll never again say 'think had another nervous breakdown' in jest. This was the real thing. So frightened that I could go into something deeper, I sought hospitalization. My daughter took me.
The docs there took me off my two ADs. I was so scared, but since was in a hospital, did it.
I am down to 37.5 Eff-XR from 225.
I dc'd trazodone at h.s. Now take Seroquel at h.s. and, if wish, a very small dose during high panic, during the day.
Switched from Xanax to Valium x3 a day.
Also prescribed Trileptal 2x during day & am not sure how feel about this or what it is doing.
They should have kept me a little longer to monitor me w/ these new meds and the children are a bit upset, as well as I, about this.
This is the first time I have been prescribed a mood stabilizer. Was told it is used for borderlines.
You really have to keep 'on your toes' when inpatient, despite 'staff superiority'; as many errors were made and I fortunately caught them.
It's late and just got home late this afternoon.
Oh, I put on 8 lbs just being there. I needed it. Was 101lbs, 5'5' when went in. Now will have to exercise to keep 'off waistline.'
Plan look around site for info on Trileptal.
Best wishes and feedback welcome, cf
Posted by corafree on March 9, 2005, at 10:22:36
In reply to Re: Status Post Suicidal, posted by corafree on March 9, 2005, at 0:50:39
Thought best I update where I am, as you all hung in there w/ me prior to the following:
Won't ever say 'had a nervous breakdown' in jest again.
My body simply crumbled, could barely walk and was slower than a turtle. Hyperventilated until could hardly breathe. Head fullness on top of head. Just plain 'broke' ... and I mean really broke!
Nothing in my life has ever been so frightening.
Stayed w/ daughter three days for food and company. All along, my mind was clear.
There were probably 10 incidents (one a 10yr relationship ended) which occured prior to this, but, like I said, was clear in mind and not at all suicidal. I was actually very proud of myself for having finally let go of a toxic relationship.
Got worse after 3rd day at daughters. I knew I needed doctors and nurses. Went in hospital here. Now am home from six day stay.
Some kind of separation of mind and body happened to me. Boy, our minds, our brains must be very, very strong.
I began titrating off Eff-XR @ hospital. From 225, to 150, to 75, to 37.5 currently. All this in six days at hospital.
The Effexor-XR withdrawal followed the breakdown and I thought 'if this is what can happen to me while on it, ... I've got to let it go.'
I take Valium now (instead of Xanax) since it is longer acting.
I take Seroquel now, instead of trazodone at bedtime, and can take little bits of Seroquel during the daytime if have panic attack.
I am also prescribed Trileptal 300mg 3x a day. This one, am questionable about what is my necessity for this?!
Anyway, all meds changed during this six day hospital stay.
Again, a 'zombie' feeling which I have, precipitated Effexor-XR.
I feel that either Seroquel or Trileptal are causing this 'zombie' feeling.
Anyone ever take these two meds, together, or alone, and have this 'zombie' feeling? Did it pass w/ time? Has anyone had success on Seroquel or Trileptal?
I feel pretty sure that the Seroquel is helping the Eff-XR withdrawal and my anxiety. Trileptal though, not sure.
May my dose be too high on Seroquel (30mg if needed for panic during day and 300mg for sleep) and Trileptal (300mg x2 a day)? I am 5'4" and weight 105. I do not metabolize well.
Any opinions? So appreciated.
I will cc this and post in withdawal; here somewhere.
best wishes all, cf
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